hillwalker
06-13-2011, 01:37 PM
I would suggest you work on this before expecting people to pay to read it :
- there's far too much going on in that opening paragraph to focus upon. It's as if it's being filmed through the lens of a camera that's flitting from one image to the next to the next, etc. And the internalised dialogue towards the end regarding the identity of the infantryman seems a false attempt at humour.
- everyone stops, cranes their necks and stare skyward - should be stares - this is rather a basic error (or possibly just a typo) - unforgiveable in either instance if already published.
- I’m about to give them all a good piece of my mind is a meaningless cliche.
- “Ha! The Navy's guns spread black smoke everywhere the enemy planes aren't. Not one hit out of a thousand. We’d better get to the caves if we want to live." - seems one hell of a complex piece of dialogue by someone presumably under bombardment. Do soldiers actually come out with such stuff in the battlefield?
*You probably think I'm being picky. Well before spending 99p I want to be sure I'm getting value for money. On this basis I'm guessing we're not.
H
- there's far too much going on in that opening paragraph to focus upon. It's as if it's being filmed through the lens of a camera that's flitting from one image to the next to the next, etc. And the internalised dialogue towards the end regarding the identity of the infantryman seems a false attempt at humour.
- everyone stops, cranes their necks and stare skyward - should be stares - this is rather a basic error (or possibly just a typo) - unforgiveable in either instance if already published.
- I’m about to give them all a good piece of my mind is a meaningless cliche.
- “Ha! The Navy's guns spread black smoke everywhere the enemy planes aren't. Not one hit out of a thousand. We’d better get to the caves if we want to live." - seems one hell of a complex piece of dialogue by someone presumably under bombardment. Do soldiers actually come out with such stuff in the battlefield?
*You probably think I'm being picky. Well before spending 99p I want to be sure I'm getting value for money. On this basis I'm guessing we're not.
H