Diamonds in the Sky (400 words)

[drpepper96]

Hey, i just hastily wrote this for my english 12 class and wanted a second opinion, and maybe a better idea for a title. Tell me what you think.

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Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide,

No escape from reality

I didn’t realize how hard it was. To get those three little words out of my head, and into his ear.
“I miss you.”
At the same time, I didn’t realize how easy it was. To sum up five years of loneliness. Five years of pretending this foreign man was him. Five years of hating him, wishing I could just forget him. Five years of avoiding his name. Avoiding his calls. Avoiding the memories of belting out what I thought were the words to Freddie Mercury. To try and stuff such a wide arrange of emotions into three words, three meaningless words was terrifying.
“I miss you too, son.”
The sudden interruption of the silence of my thoughts surprises me. Even in the dim light of the kitchen, I could clearly make out the tell-tale hint of grey in his beard. This man was much older than the one I remember, the one who drank himself out of existence. The man who taught me how to fish, how to ride my bike. The man who taught me how to blame the refs, and how to hate the Leafs. I’m not entirely sure if he even knows what unforgivable grudge this entire province holds against those blue tyrants of the frozen pond, but I do know that my sons will carry this vendetta as well.
His deep blue eyes shone out from behind his glasses, like diamonds in the sky. When I look into them, I don’t see my ceiling, lying alone in bed, staring up while a verbal war rages on the other side of my wall. I see the night sky, illuminated by shooting stars, while he points out constellations. If only the zodiacs could have predicted the night that my world fell apart. The night that I received the news, sending me toppling out of the safety of my predictable world, sending my house of cards tumbling down.
I wouldn’t have believed it. I still don’t believe it. I blink, and then he is gone. Safely tucked away in the back of my mind until the next lonely night, when I sing out every word of Bohemian Rhapsody.

Nothing really matters, anyone can see,

Nothing really matters,

Nothing really matters to me

Any way the wind blows

[hillwalker]

It's a well-written piece - some nice touches.

One thing that tends to become a little repetitive though is the way you repeat certain words or phrases for emphasis :

e.g.

To sum up five years of loneliness. Five years of pretending this foreign man was him. Five years of hating him, wishing I could just forget him. Five years of avoiding his name

or

To try and stuff such a wide arrange of emotions into three words, three meaningless words

Used sparingly it's effective, but used almost constantly dilutes any impact you were trying to create.

There's also an awkward change of tense half way through this :

The sudden interruption of the silence of my thoughts surprises me

- the only sentence written in the present tense.

As for a title - something along the lines of 'Missing' ?

H