Bitter Rose

[ShadowsCool]

Tender vows having been ripped apart
As words that fell spoken in vain;
Where smiles adorned hung to dry
As portraits that never were meant to say.

Across the landscape, the frozen waste,
Smiles dot out among the pain;
As petals decayed laid shriveled on the ground
There you find the rose that was.

And the heart that is
Left tattered in pain,
Harkens back to a place and time;
Bitter, older, no wiser than before.

And these Portraits that are
Thaw out a thousandth time;
To rekindle a memory made colder each passing,
Of eyes peering back for eternity
To the self that once was.

As the stroke of midnight gathers
The dearly beloved fade into oblivion;
With petals wilted, lay shriveled on the ground,
There is little hope for peace of mind
Just bitterness at the rose they find.

[Jack of Hearts]

It's meaning is hard to trace. It seems overly complicated and confusing. Words like 'Harken' kind of suggest it's imitating high-falutin' old tyme poetry.

So this one didn't work for this reader, but he hopes you'll post more and try to go further with your poetry. A tip (if you want it) is maybe to read critiques on other people's pieces. There's a few posters on here that really have an eye for this kind of thing.






J

[hillwalker]

I also got lost in the metaphors. It sounds rather good - a number of interesting images - but it doesn't actually succeed in saying very much.

H

[IceM]

This reminds me of Blake's "The Sick Rose" in both subject and expression--both authors suggest a dying rose, whether in Blake's suggestion of sexual scandal, and Shadows's suggestion of a broken marriage. "Vows" being ripped apart is suggestive of a failed marriage.

I agree here with Hill. You have strong images. Perhaps you should re-arrange them to improve the clarity of your poem. I think you had a collection of good images and just didn't know how to arrange them, as this arrangement complicates how to interpret your poem. Revision could improve this.

Thanks for sharing.

[ShadowsCool]

Jack of hearts, Hillwalker, IceM:

Thank you much for your opinions.

I see where the poem stumbles on its own words. The hard part is always "getting it right". However, I do plan on a revision some time in the future.

Regards,

Shadows