An Intimate Scene Between Strangers

[NoRule]

She came home with me
We pass through my doorway
Onto the couch.
Movie? Sure. Popcorn? Okay.
I return from the kitchen;
There’s no popcorn.
She doesn’t mind.

I prepare the film
and sit down next to her.
I feel my gut boil.
Click
The screen flickers.
Her warmth
Her smell
Arousing.

We met earlier that night
At a club.
She was dancing not too far from me.
I’m not much of a dancer, but
I wanted to dance with her.
Her essence called me
Instinctive. Primitive.
We danced.

She came home with me
and sits on my couch.
It’s cold, she says.
Our bodies meet,
My arm wrapped behind her.
She rests her head on my shoulder,
Her hand on my thigh.
She breathes on my neck, and
Like Seraph’s touch,
a divine sensation
courses from my ears
throughout my being.

My fingertips glaze her arm
With sweet affection.
I lift her shirt and continue
Across her smooth, flat stomach.
I pull her closer,
My palm over her belly-button.
Her lips reach my neck and
My skin erupts with pleasure.

Her fist clenches my thigh
As she sucks the salt from my neck.
I feel for her bra and I
set the oven to preheat.
Her chest is bare.
She turns and mounts me,
Pushing her body into mine.
She unbuttons my jeans
And my blood rushes to greet
her hand as she begins
mixing the butter and sugar.
I slide my fingers underneath
The elastic on her waist and
measure out three-cups flour.
I beat the egg into the mixture.
We roll tablespoons of cookie-dough
Onto an ungreased metal sheet.
We place the cookies in the oven
And wait to enjoy our confections.

[everyadventure]

That is one of the most bizarre metaphors I've encountered. Frankly, I'm not really sure the whole cookie thing works. Couldn't help thinking you were working towards an ending that contained a "bun in the oven."

[NoRule]

ea,
Baking the cookies is not a metaphor for sex! I wasn't sure if my readers would come to that conclusion, I guess some will.

My thought was to depict an intimate scenario then to come to an absurd conclusion. I thought food, so I incorporated cookies! I guess I could have done a better job at separating the two ideas as to make it more clear in my writing... Oh, well. It is what it is. This poem, however, is supposed to be awkward and slightly confusing, like how I imagine sex with a stranger would be (I dunno). Whenever I read the last stanza I always chuckle at how absurd it is. Also, it is supposed to leave the reader thinking "What the ****?" or something of the sort. Maybe, even, stimulate the reader's arousal and then leave the person hanging, unsure of what is going on. This was kind of like an experiment, seeing if I can toy with my reader's senses. I hope I get more input to know if I failed or not. Right now as I consider how I structured the poem, I feel like I failed, but that's ok. There's always room for improvement.
NoRule
Edit: bun in the oven... that's funny.

[hillwalker]

At first I thought your fingertips glazing her arm was a typo until I saw the extended metaphor.

The only cirticisms I would make is -

1) why have you changed tense in the opening 2 lines of verses 1 and 4? It didn't make sense.

and

2) why drag us back to the dance - then back to the couch? A baffling and unnecessary diversion.

H

[Jack of Hearts]

This reader now has a bunch of new and confused feelings about baked goods.




J

[Jerrybaldy]

Original and quirky. The sexual excitement builds and is then smothered by cookie dough. It was like watching a blue movie only to find somebody has taped a cookery show over the climax.

I loved it :D

[NoRule]

H,
"She came" is more appropriate than "She comes" because the act of her coming home with the man has already passed. And about taking the reader to the club then back to the couch again... well, I just like it that way. I think it works great.
NoRule

[hillwalker]

H, "She came" is more appropriate than "She comes" because the act of her coming home with the man has already passed.

I gathered that - but it's all about aspect. An extremely difficult concept - but whenever you decide to combine different verb tenses in the same piece the correct use of aspect is vital otherwise it will begin to sound strange.

You should perhaps have written 'she has come home with me' - past perfect tense - which then allows a smooth transition to simple present tense of what she is doing next.

'she came home with me' suggests an event that happened some time in the past - an event that is no longer necessarily significant - and one would expect the remainder of the piece to continue in simple past tense not suddenly jump into present tense as if the 'coming home' is still happening.

H