TheOtherSide

[Twota]

My life , has never been so quiet ,
Never seen it , in black and white ,
I hear no sound , but my voice ,
This is my life , and that's my choice..
*
Other sounds , distract your thinkin ,
You lose control , the noise you sink in ,
And all the colours , just make you blind ,
They hide the truth , you are trying to find..
*
Am I a pessimist , hell no Im not ,
Actually , I do love my life alot ,
That is after , I saw things right ,
Cuz only in the dark , you can see the light..
*
So shut your eyes , and seal your ears,
Listen to the silence , and face your fears ,
Look beyond the darkness , and see whats fake ,
Do it for me , a minute it ll take..

[Hawkman]

A bit of an overdose of inappropriate punctuation here, although you have missed some apostrophes. The overall effect of this makes it difficult to read, the words can't flow. The inversion of sintax in the final line diminishes its impact, I'm afraid.

[NoRule]

Twota,
I enjoyed this a lot. The way you rhyme "thinkin / sink in" sounds a bit forced, but overall I think the rhymes flowed nicely. I like the line "Cuz only in the dark , you can see the light.." very much but its preceding lines lessened the impact for me, I think because I do not understand the meaning behind that particular stanza as well as you do. It is a nice read, thanks for sharing.
NoRule

[Twota]

Hawkman , i am sorry about that :/ hope i improve my writing asap :]

[Twota]

NoRule , thanks , i am glad you like it ;D and i ll try to make my next ones more clear to the reader x]

[hillwalker]

I'll have to disagree with NoRule - the rhyme took over proceedings to such an extent that the content became superfluous - I was holding my breath wondering what the next end-rhyme was going to be.

And as for the content, it's mostly a series of cliches that we've all heard before unfortunately.

As Hawk says, that closing phrase - a minute it'll take - illustrates perfectly what's wrong with the poem. No one speaks or writes like this. The fact that you chose to use it anyway suggests you're a slave to "rhyme at all cost".

My suggestion, cut the chains and write the way you speak.

H

[_Shannon_]

I agree with Hillwalker...any of your own poetic voice was lost within the form. And from the content, it seems like there is probably on hell of a story.

[Twota]

I know the rhyme aint the most important but i guess it is still important , rite? :/ i mean i try to say what i feel using the most suitable rhyme or else what would make it an art , everybody can just talk but not many can express it in a rhyme , or not? :[

[hillwalker]

Rhyme is NOT important... REPEAT AFTER ME Rhyme is NOT important.

If you've got it into your head that rhyme makes art or poetry then you don't remotely 'get' what poetry is supposed to be about.

And you're right, 'not many can express it in rhyme' so what makes you think you're any different?

PLEASE read some poems - anything that's been posted on here will do - and you might be shocked to see that rhyme is not an essential part of poetry. You might also discover that one can express oneself lyrically and poetically without a single end-rhyme in sight.

H

[Twota]

Rhyme is NOT important ;D okay haha , and i ve read many on here yes and some of your own , they are pretty good and i guess i can try to do that after all it would be easier to just express without being concerned about rhyme :] theres just ONE more i wrote lately and and i guess its slightly better than the others tho it follows the same style but i ld like to know what you think abt it anyway before i start using the - Rhymes are NOT important - rule :D i really appreciate ur help , dont hate me for my sucky style please ;] i ll put that other so called poem here asap

[hillwalker]

after all it would be easier to just express without being concerned about rhyme :]:smash:

says it all. You don't 'get' poetry do you? Keep reading and hopefully things will soon click into place.

H

[virgo27]

You also need to read more poetry to understand the writing form. It's Ok to write high school introspective pieces, but better writing requires study and effort. JUST food for thought.

[Twota]

Hmhh , okai i ll read , ty ;]