Goodbye Pink and Baby Blues

[Jack of Hearts]

Someone stole the flower girl,
eloped decanter with the scotch;
sweet nothings, what he whispered,
sweet nothings, what he wants.

Purple, pink and baby blue,
the sky is sprawling bright, pale moon-
the leaping cow, the dish, the spoon,
then slinks a silhouette she knew;
Goodbye pink and baby blues.

Tears upon her father's eyes,
her bed is empty, his scotch glass dry;
the covers miss her maison warmth.
All rhymes and fairytales no more.

All the king's horses, all confused men
can only poke at souls with sticks.

The outside's easy,

inside's the trick.

[Hawkman]

Hi jack,
well, you always give one something to think about. I have read this several times and it's meaning is a little ambiguous. I have come up with interpretations ranging from empty nest syndrome to the death of child, stopping off at a runaway from parental abuse, on the way. I like the nursery rhyme references which I think you have used well.

Line 2 is a little difficult to fathom though, as I wonder if there shouldn't be a comma after eloped. S2 Line 2 also might benefit from another hyphen after sprawling, which I feel would assist the reader. In S3 I find the extraneous beat sticks out a bit and I think if you dropped scotch, which you have already used in S1, it might improve the rhythm.

In line 3 I was surprised by the use of maison. I just thought house and "the covers miss her house warmth," although striking, is a fairly awkward image. I also regret the break in the rhyme scheme in line 4 of this stanza. The tone and message of the last stanza are well delivered.

It's a cracking poem, Jack, but it might benefit from a couple of miniscule tweaks.

Thanks for sharing - live and be well - H

[Jack of Hearts]

Hawk,

It's immensely flattering to see you engaging yourself with and handling these poems. The writer only hopes they're genuinely worthy of the attention, because there's no finer compliment.

As usual, the writer sees the things you've mentioned and feels you're correct. Hopefully, with a little more experience, these rough spots will be more apparent in the actual creative process- nipped in the bud, as it were.

Thank you kindly for the feedback.



J

[jajdude]

I like the flow in this one J, a bit enigmatic perhaps, but that's fine.

[hillwalker]

This also made me think - I've read it a number of times and although I can feel myself getting closer to fathoming it out there's really no need to reach a definite interpretation. There are elements of an abusive home environment and a tiny child. You allow the reader to fill in the blanks for themselves and we thank you for trusting us enough to do so.

That 4th stanza is rather disruptive metrically but maybe that was intended. Enjoyable as ever.

H

[everyadventure]

Mmm, mysterious indeed. If I had to venture a guess, I would say this girl ran away from her abusive father, taking his alcohol with her... am I right? Huh, huh?

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks, jajdude

Hill, you were right. Thanks for sticking with this writer for so long.

ea, nice to see you again. Thanks for reading.






J

[Delta40]

I'm just humming 'it's all over now baby blue'

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks Queen LitNut for a favorable (and unintended) comparison.





J

[jajdude]

Just saying, the 'It's all over now baby blue' reference made me laugh.

[virgo27]

Thought the daughter got married and dad is full of sorrow. I am always a huge fan of nursery rhymes. They can be so eery, but also so innocent- depending on the context.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks for reading 27 year old virgin.






J