Cyber Land

[kittypaws]

Here in cyber space
You can be real or not
What goes around comes around.

We share treasures
That the real world never hears;
Our smiles, loves, joys are on display
Our sorry, sadness, grief is released.

There are no gates
To hold us apart.
We are kindred spirits
Looking to relate.
And here there is always an ear.



My question...there needs to be an acknowledgment but I don't know where it will fit in best. Does the last line of the final stanza work? It felt uncomfortable to me.

aka ~ kittypaws

[everyadventure]

I liked it all but was confused by "amanda curtis." It seemed like a signature, but you're saying it's part of the poem?

[kittypaws]

thank you everyadventure...keep me straight. Edited and removed. :)

[MystyrMystyry]

I think she was playing with you kitty

Nice poem, though to be honest, I don't really share the sentiment - being connected on-line doesn't automatically make me feel like reaching out to people in third world countries for example - I jump whenever I get an email from a Nigerian Bank, or some French lottery, and have to think how did they get this address? (But I suppose they were reaching out to me for something)

But the internet's still a boon and great tool for communicators - I left a note on zoolane's latest blog entry explaining what it was like trying to establish a writer's group in my city - briefly, it was a hassle most pure, and Litnet has effectively answered all the transport and location problems encountered

So in that regard it definitely works

Cheers Kitty

[Hawkman]

I think secrets rather than treasures. Treasure is really a visual image and you are talking about hearing them. I know its a bit confusing because you are talking about written words (unsless you are talking on skype of course.) for the last line I'd split it so:

"and here,
there is always an ear."

I think perhaps you need to decide whether the treasures are written or spoken, to make the imagery consistant.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

A fine advertisement for this forum... my only criticism was that 3rd line. A dreadful cliche, and what's it got to do with a poem about cyber-space?

H :-)

[kittypaws]

Mystry ~ thanks for the read and comment.

Hawk

I think secrets rather than treasures.

You got me thinking about what I was trying to express and I don't think it is secrets as we tell the world when we share on the internet. It's not treasures either...so I have re-written the piece and did use your sugestions for the last line.

Thank you!

Hill.....

A dreadful cliche, and what's it got to do with a poem about cyber-space?

You are absolutely right and I turned my nose up when I wrote it.

Hopefully my re-write will be better.

Thanks bunches!

[kittypaws]

Here in cyber space
You can be real or not.
The one true element
Are your thoughts.

Our smiles, loves,
joys are on display
Our sorry, sadness,
grief is released.
Proclaiming rights, disbeliefs
Tap, tap, tapping feelings.

There are no gates
To hold us apart.
We are kindred spirits
Looking to relate.
And here there is
always an ear.

kittypaws

[Delta40]

I like them both. I wonder about the rest of the world as my cheap instant coffee vibrates in time with the tapping of my keys too Kitty.