3 seconds...max

[doingitagain]

You are the one of the brightest smiles I’ve seen.

For the first time this week, after seeing your brilliant way of saying hi, my heart started beating faster.

I’m oblivious to the way I act around you, but I know I’m trying to attract your attention.

I like to pass the heat of the day by lying down in tall grass long enough to leave the imprint of my body.

I love the smell of rain in the air before it does. I like to sit in soft chairs on my balcony and watch sheet after of sheet of water fall down with focused strength as I try to follow a raindrop from the top to the bottom.

I love the full body hug you feel from a bed top comforter when you come home in the evening and give yourself up for ten minutes to absolute relaxation.

I love when after having a conversation with someone, no matter how many points you have agreed on, no matter how hard you’ve laughed or the insights they’ve lead you to, you look them in the eye and know you’ve made a friend.

I love when I’m having a ****ty day, and someone who knows nothing about it, makes you laugh.

I love when you share the things you love with someone and they know what you’re talking about or fall in love them all the same.

You’re a grown woman, so I know you’re secure with your body parts, but I would still love to take you apart. More than falling in love with a woman who loves everybody, I’m game for learning about what makes you tick as well.

I want you to be proud that you found a man who you love because you relate, but whom your family also accepts.

I want to make you sing, “I want to thank you, heavenly Father, for shining your light on me. You sent me someone who really loves me, and not just my body. He keeps me happy, so very happy and loves me; I don’t know how to be. It’s been a long time since I’ve had someone who loves me, I owe my thanks to you.”

All of this I tell you when we pass by each other in the office and I say, “Hi, Heather.”

[tailor STATELY]

An amazing 3-seconds. Very touching.

Still...

I would have preferred more poetic devices used; as a journal entry this is most apropos. Use your language skills to unfetter your passion.

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

[doingitagain]

Wow.... Thank you; you helped clarify some confusion I've been having. I write work like the one above because I didn't feel like writing a piece of prose, but I never knew what it was I was actually creating.

You helped me see that this is similar to a journal entry. The length of the work made me call it poetry (I do not know what true poetry is). Thanks.

Now, would you say I need to establish a rhythm for this to transition more into poetry?

[hillwalker]

Now, would you say I need to establish a rhythm for this to transition more into poetry?

I'd recommend you read some poetry to get a feel for it. It's not just about rhythm and not just about paring it down and making the right word choice.

You can't go far wrong by reading some of the fine pieces already posted on here - the critiques are usually a good pointer to which poems are worth exploring and which are not.

There are some poetic moments in your piece but as TS says it's more of a journal entry or blog than a poem.

H

[doingitagain]

I guess I thought it was poetry since I just sat down and expressed what I felt, but it is a journal/blog entry.

What would you say are the quasi-poetic elements in the above work?

[Buh4Bee]

read a little more, post later, keep reading...

[Hawkman]

I really like the pay off , but this is just too long and prosey. Try to distill it down to refined impressions. for example, you don't need, "for the first time this week."

"Yours is the brightest smile I've seen.
When you say Hi, my heart drums
as I catch your eye... etc."

a bit simplistic perhaps, but you get the idea.

Best, H

[hillwalker]

What would you say are the quasi-poetic elements in the above work?

Here's one :

I like to pass the heat of the day by lying down in tall grass long enough to leave the imprint of my body.

The reader can picture this and share an original experience thanks to you.

H