Before the Rain

[Hawkman]

The scream of swifts.
Swallows,
skimming sickles
over dense, green-silvered waves,
beneath a soaring buzzard’s
mewing call.
All adrift on shimmering air.

In town,
dead chicks upon the ground,
below the pavement trees
where concrete bakes.
And glistening lakes
in asphalt,
noise and fumes.

[Atehequa]

A very descriptive and well put together message

[hillwalker]

The opening line threw me - as if you were focussing on one set of birds then suddenly decided to let them go their own way. I'm struggling to match that to what follows.

Personally I'd have cut the swifts loose and begun the poem with Swallows. From that point on you paint a compelling picture of the vagaries of nature.

H

[Hawkman]

Thanks Athequa, glad you enjoyed it.

Hi hill, I'm not sure why you should have been thrown by the opening line. Both stanzas are effectively lists formed into impressionistic sketches. I'm sorry you don't seem to like it. A slightly different style for me I'll admit, but not without precident, although it is very much leaner than an offering you might have expected from me.

Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting.

Live and be well - H

[tailor STATELY]

Effective as an experimental piece. The contrast you wove is a distinct slap in the face.

"buzzard’s mewing call" brought me pause to reach for Webster; and I see now. "Mewling" might also work as I scan the page a bit since the buzzard is soaring.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[hallaig]

The scream of swifts.
Swallows,
skimming sickles
over dense, green-silvered waves,
.


I like it, but the first three lines overdose on the alliteration. T

[everyadventure]

An exercise in contrasts! Loved "green-silvered waves."

(PS I bet YOU know what a grackle is! I had one in a recent poem and everyone asked, "What's a grackle...?")

[hillwalker]

Hawk - it's not a case of not liking the poem. It has so much to be admired. I just felt that first line didn't quite fit... but it's your work, and I would never advocate aviacide.

H

[Hawkman]

tS, Many thanks for stopping by :) to be honest I've not been fond of the word mewling, ever since reading As You Like It. You know, Melancholy Jaques and all that, "All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players. they have there exits and their entrances an one man in his time plays many parts... First the infant, Mewling and puking in his nurse's arms..." Consequently I always associate mewling with vomit :D glad you found it effective. :)

hallaig, Thanks to you too. Now that you mention it you could be right about the alliteration. A lot easier to read than recite :D Funny, it wasn't even intentional!

Thanks ea :) Here be Grackles:

http://sdakotabirds.com/species_photos/common_grackle.htm

Thanks for that hill, but I wouldn't have been offended even if you had absolutely detested it :D each to his own and all that :) Personally I've no objection to killing a bird, so long as you are prepared to eat it afterwards :D

Live and be well - H

[doingitagain]

I love alliteration, but the first line doesn't work well with me. I'd forego the stability of a safe image for the mystery of a floating line reinforced by the second.

I do like this piece, however. The imagery is something I try to work on, but end up a bit too wordy. And there are lines that don't tell you what to think, but you get there after you do. It's engaging in the mind's eye and after a bit of mind's work as well. * clap clap *

[blank|verse]

Yes, this is a bit more terse than your usual style, Hawk, reminding me a bit of Robin Robertson in terms of form and content.

But I'm in agreement with those who think you should pick one or the other of the birds (swifts are more sickle-shaped as I'm sure you know); and the point about alliteration.

The rural / urban divide is a bit black-and-white, although there are tensions in both - the swallows are described as 'screaming'; and there are 'glistening lakes' in the urban environment, in that slightly odd finite verb-less last sentence. And I'm not really sure of the relevance of the title.

Still, interesting stuff.

[Buh4Bee]

I was thrown by the alliteration myself. I think you got very good feedback.

[kittypaws]

I had no problem with the first line...swifts ~ doesn't that mean they move quickly? They would have to if the buzzards were coming in....one thing I must say is I have never heard buzzards mewing, perhaps a cat.

I liked it. It was where you were at the time...I write like that so I can relate.
sometimes everything just runs together.

kittypaws

[kittypaws]

BTW...why is it called "before the rain"

[Hawkman]

doinitagain: Thanks for your considered response and I'm glad it works for you.

b/v: It was the swifts that were screaming :) Their calls are distinctive, and for me at least, one of the signifiers summer. They also tend to fly high up; quite often you only know they are there from their calls. The swallows, though, fly low, catching insects over fields and water. They have quite different calls. I've often seen them skimming hatching flies on rivers and lakes. Very difficult to photograph successfully with my stills camera. I got a couple of shots but not good ones.

The glistening lakes refer to the heat mirage you see on roads, of course. As I said before the poem is an impressionistic sketch. The relevance of the title? Well it's just that these impressions were of what I saw and heard during the recent heat wave which was broken by rain.

I grant that there are a lot of sibilants in S1. However, with measured reading they are not a problem. I wonder if it's just that they are so obvious on the page which catches people's eye.

Jersea: thanks for reading and commenting. See above for my thoughts on the alliteration :)

Kittypaws: I don't think you need worry about the swifts being gobbled up by buzzards :D The big hawk isn't a particularly agile hunter. The swallows disappear when there's a Merlin about though! See above for the explanation of the title.

Thanks again to you all for reading and taking the time to comment.

Live and be well - H

[blank|verse]

b/v: It was the swifts that were screaming
Yeah, my mistake. I meant swifts, of course.

The other point was that the poem seems to draw a dichotomy between the rural and urban, the latter being literally fatal to nature with the image of the 'dead chicks'. However, the 'glistening lakes' suggest the opposite - here the urban is described as something life-giving and beautifully 'rural'; and if the rural environment is more conducive to nature, why are the swifts 'screaming', which is associated with pain and horror?

So I was really just trying to make sense of these seemingly contradictory images to work out if the poem was saying anything more than the superficial impression of the rural being good for nature and the urban, bad.

[Hawkman]

I take your point b/v. In fact I've heard the scream of swifts in town as well as in the country :D Superficially and immediately, the swifts were screaming because it's what they do. In truth, towns are probably no more inimicable to life than the countryside, where nature is red in tooth and claw. In the countryside the the death and mayhem is hidden by the environment and the shyness of its creatures. In towns it is just more obvious as there is less cover. The dead chicks may have just been unlucky and fallen out, but on the pavement they are left to lie there under the trees and get squashed underfoot. Or maybe they were dropped by magpies who were raiding the nests. Lots of magpies round here.

Essentially we are sort of programmed to appreciate countryside and see the beauty in it, but it doesn't mean there aren't wonders to be seen in town. Ultimately I leave it to the reader to take what they will from the poem, whatever its merits or limitations.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

before the rain so many things come into play. I used to think it was just dry and then it was wet.

[Hawkman]

Not only, but also... :D