Log in

View Full Version : The Keymasters



NoRule
06-08-2011, 02:29 AM
I will try to post the subsequent parts daily as I write them. Enjoy!

PART ONE - THE INTRODUCTION
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overwhelmed with uncertainty, I am being led by a strange man down a corridor of a building I have no recollection of entering, not even sure of why I am following this man. Each step is marked with the jingle of keys on a keyring the man is holding – for this I decide to refer to him as the keymaster. Every couple of paces or so I pass a door on either side of me, each with a golden plaque engraved with black numbers. I suppose they are room numbers, but it is difficult to comprehend a building with billions of rooms, unless the operator of the complex prefers large numbers over common ones. Each door is similar to the rest but not quite the same – some resemble rosewood, others oak, others mahogany. Occasionally the doorways are inlaid with glorious veneers. At this point I am astounded at what I am witnessing.

We continue our pace; my footsteps are synchronized with the rhythm of the jangles. The keymaster is slightly ahead of me and his right shoulder is aligned with my left. His arms are unordinarily long, and the length is accented by his hunched posture. Studying him further I realize for the first time that both he and I are bare from head to toe – with a shot of adrenaline I feel my blood heat my ears and my palms begin to perspire. Where the **** am I? Panic ensues and my thoughts are cluttered and inebriated. Where the ****… My mind races with assumptions, imaginary situations and plans for escape. I figure I should try to converse with the keymaster. Before I speak, I test myself by quietly humming. The keymaster responds to my prudence with a chuckle and a sentence,

“It is funny how many people hum before they speak when I am guiding them to their residence.”

Dumbfounded, I halt for a moment; the keymaster continues at a steady pace. I hear another chuckle resonate from his direction.

“Come, friend, it is not much further now.”

For some reason his referring to me as “friend” calms my nerves. I walk quickly enough to catch up to him, and then follow as I was before. I feel comfortable enough to speak.

“Where am I?”

“Ah, the most frequent introductory question I am asked,” he brags. “You know… well of course you don’t know because you are not me, but the rest of the time I am either met with a threat of violence or a bribe to set the person free. I have been promised wealth ‘beyond my imagination’ and beautiful women who ‘will satisfy my wildest desires’ – as if they had just finished watching a cheap film. Those who promise me women disgust me the most, because I imagine that some of them had the resources and power to actually fulfill such a promise. Disgusting. The threats – well, I never feel threatened at all. People make threats about my murder, and sometimes the murder of my loved ones. I have been threatened with torture and castration. People are crazy, I tell you. At least it keeps my job interesting.” He pauses for a few moments. “To ease your distress, let me assure you that you are safe from harm. I certainly have no interest in harming you. As you get to know me you will find that I am as approachable as can be, unlike many of the others. I am aware that it is easier said than done, but if you simply stay calm, follow my directions, and ask questions as they come everything will fall in to place shortly. Do you have any questions?”

I open my mouth to speak and close it promptly, for so many ideas are racing through my mind that they jam when traveling to stimulate my vocal cords. As if he knows exactly what I am experiencing, the keymaster says,

“Do not worry; give yourself some time to organize your thoughts and things will gradually become easier.” He stops and turns around. I am stunned at what stands before me. The keymaster has the stature and appearance of a man long lost in time, as if he was the first human to walk the Earth. I stop, too. “We are here,” he utters.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

NoRule
06-08-2011, 04:27 PM
PART TWO – ROOM 1039882225
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The keymaster promptly picks a key from his keyring, slides it into the lock and a soft clank reaches my ears. With a slight push, he opens the door and gestures for me to enter. I feel my nerves tighten throughout my body and I stand, frozen. I consume my visual surroundings to the tune of the keymaster’s long, deep breaths; beneath my naked feet is a red carpet handsomely decorated with golden stitches. Directly across from the open doorway is yet another door labeled 1039882224. The ceiling in this corridor is about twice my height, home to magnificent candle-stick chandeliers of silver, glass, and steel. Farther down the corridor, everything is the same; carpet, doors, and chandeliers. No twists, no turns, just a seemingly endless hallway of residences.

I try to lift my leg to walk towards the keymaster but my muscles will not budge. My insides shake with nervous anticipation, eyes reaching out in every direction. Eventually I find myself staring into two dark retinas in front of me.

“Come, friend. This will begin making sense shortly.”

Again, his pleasant words soothe my nerves and I feel the stiffness leave me. Two paces forward and I am close enough to the keymaster to feel the heat radiate from his body. I turn to the right and prepare myself to enter the room.

Behind the door is an expansive, unfurnished square room; four smooth off-white walls, a blue-gray carpeted floor, and a white, textured ceiling. The room is brightly lit by three bulbs attached to a stationary fan in the center of the ceiling. Along the walls are more doors, each with the same golden plaque I became familiar with in the corridor but with different inscriptions. I hesitantly push myself forwards, unsure of what else I should do. The keymaster follows.

“This is where you will be living now.”

Each door has a unique label; Bed, Bath, Work, Social, Outdoors… Then his words made a connection in my mind. “Where I will be living?”

“Yes, you are resident number one-billion-thirty-nine-million-eight-hundred-eighty-two-thousand-two-hundred-twenty-five. I welcome you kindly.”

Panic ensues, “Am I… dead?”

“Oh, no, of course not. I believe there is another place for you to go when you die. Or, maybe not. No, friend, you are certainly alive and well.” I stand in silence thinking about what is happening. Media, Worship, Education…

“What is this place?”

“This is your home! I am sure you will find everything you need and desire here.” Store, Healthcare… “Our residents usually enjoy their lives here. Occasionally there is a rowdy individual who demands something different – something MORE. What else could someone want, I ask myself? It is beyond me.” Leisure, Intimacy… “But, you seem calm and level-minded enough, so I’m sure we will not have any such issues with you.” Dreams…
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

hillwalker
06-08-2011, 05:53 PM
There's a lot of detail to absorb right at the beginning of the story. Too much perhaps.
I can't say I was intrigued by the fabric of the different doors.

I can sense you have constructed a fantasy world in your mind and are trying to draw the reader into it - at the same time trying to tweak our curiosity. But I quickly got bored because I didn't particularly care about the narrator nor was I particularly bothered about what he was about to face next.

You need to find a better way of grabbing our attention and making us care about what happens next. Perhaps taking a step back and putting yourself directly into the narrator's shoes is the only way you can achieve this.

Would he act the way he does in this story if it was really happening? I doubt it.
Faced with an unfamiliar world why would he focus on the construction of each door? And why would it take him so long to realise he's naked?????

I would suggest a more realistic introduction to the main characer's predicament is needed. What is going through his mind? What is he afraid of? Why is he there? It's all a bit '1984-ish' but the character is yet to come to life. Keep at it though and you're certain to overcome this initial hurdle.

H

NoRule
06-11-2011, 03:44 AM
H,
Thanks for the insight, you give good advice. It has been taking a while to get to the action. I'm going to revise these first two parts then bring this story back to the boards.
NoRUle