Sometime, You Drank a Cup of Blue

[Jack of Hearts]

Sometime, you drank a cup of blue
and it filled and filled and filled
to become the all of you.

A starving plant who's roots
sprawl out but find no ground
sits wasted in the soil,
dried up and never grown.

The patients lying in their beds,
each dying of their own disease;
the lonely man inside his head,
the man imploring God's reprieve,
each dying of their own disease.

You drank a cup of blue.
Of all the poison you could choose,
you closed your eyes and swallowed blue.

There'll be those who die of bullet wounds,
or ride a bottle out too soon;
and those who suffer heart failure.

And other souls who count the years,
watch all time disappear
into the mouth of their own disease.

Arm in arm, they stand in place,
with drunken songs mock death's embrace,
eventual embrace.

But not you, my friend, not you.

Somewhere far away,
in an alley,
on your side,
stomach full of blue,
the world turning blue.

[Hawkman]

A powerful poem, Jack. It's lyrical enough to be a song and the reflective refrains reinforce it's song-like qualities. A truely terminal case of the blues for someone.

There is only one place where the rhythm stumbles a bit.

"and those who suffer heart failure"

The stresses in the line combine with the lack of rhyme (or at least assonance) to bring this stanza up to an uncofortable stop in comparison with the rest of the poem. I'm not sure about:

"...death's embrace/eventual embrace."

as I feel that 'death's eventual embrace' would read better, but this is just a subjective opinion.

It's a very good poem though.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

JofH, a sad thing to read, but engaging and has some original takes (drinking the blue). I think the strength of your poem would be better felt if you trimmed it here and there (for instance, S1 could be reduced to: "Sometime, you drank a cup of blue/and it filled to become all you." or sth like that).
By the way, it seems to me that in S2, L1 should be "whose" not "who's", but it's a detail.
Some of the punctuation could be mended too (like for instance in: A starving plant who's roots/sprawl out, but find no ground,/sits wasted in the soil,/dried up and never grown.)
In S3 L4 "the man" could be lost as could be the repetition, imo (only imo!)
I'd make one S of "But not you my friend, not you/Somewhere far away/in an alley on your side/(your) stomach (is) full of blue.
(I think this would end your poem better).
Of course, if you don't feel the above echoes with you, just disregard! And in any case, it was a pleasure to read your offering.
Best of all, Bar

[hillwalker]

I liked this - and for some reason equated 'filling up with blue' with perhaps a writer, either loading up on sadness or just filling his pen ready for the onslaught.

I'm with Hawk on encountering a number of metrical speed bumps along the way :

There'll be those who die of bullet wounds,
or ride a bottle out too soon;
and those who suffer heart failure - needs to be -/ not /- (possibly collapse) if you are wanting consistency.

Similarly :

And other souls who count the years,
watch all time disappear - needs an extra -/ before it (perhaps somehow disappear?)

But an interesting piece as always.

H

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks to the three of you- the writer thinks your critiques are on the money. Seems like there's need for a bit more polish. Not that it's any excuse, but this poem came quickly and in the middle of the night. It's probably a thing of experience, learning to put the brakes on a bit and spend some more time consciously shaping the verse.

But the spots the three of you have pointed out are things the writer sees as well.





J

[NoRule]

Jack of Hearts
I enjoyed this poem a lot; it is very intuitive and has a nice rhythm to it. Good stuff
NoRule