untitled

[everyadventure]

My spirit-- jilted specter--
follows wretchedly behind
as you floss your teeth,
tip the waitress,
collect the mail.

Love!
So excessive and sloppy
with its secretions of tears
and sweat
and lust.
Terrible, barren yearning:
I'd like to be free of it, of you,
but still

you tug at the thread
knotted round my heart,
stringing me ruthlessly/relentlessly/along.

[IceM]

Along works better as the closing word.

The poem works well. Heart thread in the third stanza is cliche, and I think the beginning works better without jilted specter. I see the purpose, but perhaps jilted spirit works better, because the inclusion of jilted specter slows down the reading.

Other than these small suggestions, the poem worked well. It read well, felt tangible, and the sentiment was there. Thank you for sharing!

[Buh4Bee]

A sad sweetness and tender vulnerability found in these words.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I don't know how this eluded me when it was first posted but it's a fine example of seeming effortless, spontaneous uttering. I thought the very mundane details of flossing, tipping a waitress, collecting the mail did a wonderful job of establishing the very grounded reality in which the poem would operate. And the back-slashes in the end line do a great job of communicating the speaker's exhausted helplessness,

[Hawkman]

Is it love or merely habit? Certainly the implied resentment and the acknowledged status of, 'jilted spectre' coupled with the expressed desire, "...to be free of it, of you," speak more of fear of the unknown, of change, than love. The narrator seems to be trying to convince themselves that what they feel is love, when it isn't, unless love is slavery...

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

Another fine slice of life - and I thought 'jilted spectre...'/'...wretchedly behind ' worked well as an alliterative show of despair.

H

[Bar22do]

This - so very human! a finely described inner conflict; best from Bar