Unspoken

[Vignette]

As we meet in the kitchen, I see
the smirk on your harsh face,
the tightness of your lips,
the deep crevices at the corners of your mouth,
made permanent in your sun-worn skin.

The squint of your eye,
behind scuffed bi-focals, emphasizes
the crows feet etched into your temples.
Coarse lashes blink slowly over
hardened orbs of faded blue
veined in red.

The frigid stare,
the subtle dismissive toss
of your tousled gray head
as you bristle past,
with purposeful abrasiveness.

Your hand swishes in the air
as if to swat a fly.
In your regal way
you dismiss my presence
as you wrap your stiff, arthritic hands
around your coffee cup
to embrace the only warmth you know.

[everyadventure]

Ooo, what a wonderful character sketch. The third stanza was particularly telling. Well done.

[IceM]

I want to sympathize with the cold, alone figure your subject seems to be. Sure, he? seems abrasive, but the sheer emotional isolation present in your final stanza (which is beautiful, especially the concluding three lines) implores me to sympathize with them.

You have some fluff that could be shaved. Perhaps shave off "scrunched up" when describing tightness of the lips. Critical didn't enhance the "squint" behind the bi-focals. Other than that, I have no further suggestions.

Excellent posting.

[Vignette]

EA - Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm fairly new to this, so I appreciate all the feedback I can get. :-)

IceM - I also sympathize with that lonely and callous man. Regardless of how he arrived to that condition, it is a sad state indeed for any human being to live that way.

You're right, when I removed the words you suggested, it does read better. Thank you!! :-) I'm going to try to edit it and repost.

[Buh4Bee]

I was going to say exactly what EA said already. It's wonderful.

That is the stare a teacher gives her students when their are acting like little bleeps!

[Vignette]

Jersea - thank you for reading and commenting. :-)

I had to chuckle at what you said about the stare. I remember that look on some teachers' faces, as a result of us acting like little bleeps! I think it's part of their training to develop that stare. ;-D

[Jerrybaldy]

The character deserves no sympathy I can see. I didnt get the impression you had sympathy for him or that you should have. Just being human is not reason enough. screw 'em :D

[winterroom]

Can you have both a smirk and a frigid stare!?

winterroom

[Vignette]

The character deserves no sympathy I can see. I didnt get the impression you had sympathy for him or that you should have. Just being human is not reason enough. screw 'em :D

Hi Jerry - Thanks for the chuckle! The reason I can have sympathy for him is because he's a fictional character. Plus at the core of this type of person is usually a lot of pain, so from that angle, it's very sad.

Had he been my spouse (more like louse!) the sympathy would have gone flying out the window - along with his personal effects to get the hell out. I try to be compassionate, but I do have my limits! ;-D

[Vignette]

Can you have both a smirk and a frigid stare!?

winterroom

Hi Winterroom - Hmm, I had not considered such attention to detail, but I can now see that I do need to be more careful in the writing of them. I can't assume the reader sees the scene unfold as I do in my mind.

In short, no, I don't think one can have both a smirk and a frigid stare simultaneously. That would be some mighty fine multi-tasking in that event! :-D

In this particular case, by S3 he is now walking past me and as he does, his initial smirk (when he first saw me in S1) changes to a frigid stare.

[_Shannon_]

Can you have both a smirk and a frigid stare!?

winterroom

yes, believe me you can...
holy crap! Have you been spying on my kitchen?? This sounds like someone I know so well...it kinda broke me to read

[Vignette]

yes, believe me you can...
holy crap! Have you been spying on my kitchen?? This sounds like someone I know so well...it kinda broke me to read

Hi Shannon - I stand corrected. Sounds like you have seen the proof first-hand for the simultaneous smirk/frigid stare combination. You have my condolences. That has to be very unpleasant. :-( I hope it didn't make you sad for long.

[winterroom]

OK I've got the smirk/frigid stare bit :smile5:

One other detail (working on the principle that every word has to earn its place in a poem)...

I thought that the hand swishing in the air was the 'dismissal'. But the word 'as' links the dismissal to the hands wrapping round the cup. Maybe rather than 'as' it could be 'before' or 'and then' or some other word showing a succession of events.

Be in no doubt, despite my questions I love the poem! The description of the skin brings to mind a famous photograph of WH Auden.

[Buh4Bee]

I had to chuckle at what you said about the stare. I remember that look on some teachers' faces, as a result of us acting like little bleeps! I think it's part of their training to develop that stare. ;-D

Actually, it is a result of a repressed yell. We are yelling with our eyes.:p

[Vignette]

I like that, Jersea. :-) Yelling eyes with the precision of laser beams. There were some teachers you just knew if you got that look, you were in b-i-g trouble! ;-0

[Vignette]

OK I've got the smirk/frigid stare bit :smile5:

One other detail (working on the principle that every word has to earn its place in a poem)...

I thought that the hand swishing in the air was the 'dismissal'. But the word 'as' links the dismissal to the hands wrapping round the cup. Maybe rather than 'as' it could be 'before' or 'and then' or some other word showing a succession of events.

Be in no doubt, despite my questions I love the poem! The description of the skin brings to mind a famous photograph of WH Auden.

Winterroom - I was thinking the same thing - wondering if I should have used a different word to explain that first he swished his hand in the air, and then he cupped his hands around his coffee cup. But then I thought maybe I was over thinking it and should leave it as is.

Does this read better?

"...you dismiss my presence
then wrap your stiff, arthritic hands..."

Something else I thought of after the fact, was that "stiff" and "arthritic" are really almost the same thing and are redundant. I was thinking instead of changing it to: "...wrap your cold, arthritic hands..." I think by using the word cold, it helps to further show what an unfeeling person he is.

Thank you for your thoughts and for helping me to get more into the details. I need to do that more! :-)