Resigned To Weather

[Bar22do]

It is gusty, but the wind
only gags my mouth; unmoved
by the sweep from Montmartre,
I'm spent by the heat.

I can't rest under nearby trees,
where vortices of flies
would immediately coalesce
into my rapid breathing.

Idle, I lean on a crowd barrier,
the city looks shaved by the sun.
Only the Arch, hardly triumphal,
juts out into the blue, arrogant.

But the sky’s mouth finally closes,
chapped lips cravingly drink the night,
only to tear open and bleed out
the dawn of another hot day.

[winterroom]

I like the changes to the first stanza, but I wonder, if the staring is a contest that might be won or lost whether it might be "I strive to stare down Paris"!

The part of the poem which does not work so well for me is the last stanza. The metaphor of the 'pen' doesn't seem to fit with the metaphor of the mouth.

I have been to Paris a few times but I don't think I have been there in great heat, though oddly the most vivid memory I have of my first visit is the most delicious ice-cream I have ever tasted :drool5: bought by my grandfather while queueing to go up the Eiffel Tower.

I'm sure there are some descriptions of Paris in the heat in some of the Maigret books I have read.

[Haunted]

I never knew Paris is this hot, whew. Enjoyed the scenic built up which led to an incrediblly strong ending:


the sky’s mouth slowly closes;
chapped lips will drink the night,
then tear open again,
bleeding out dawn of another hot day.

[_Shannon_]

What does "sweating and lose" mean??

[Bar22do]

Thank you winterroom for your helpful observations. I'll save "driving to the pen" for another poem :) !
Haunted, I'm glad you liked the ending.
Thanks Shannon for reading and pointing out a confusing phrasing.
With your feedback, I further revised my effort, hopefully the revision expresses better how one feels in such a heat (which, by the way, stopped a few hours after I posted the poem! he he) in a big city.

Thanks for your reading, best from Bar

[winterroom]

I find my tidy mind likes the regular stanzas :smile5:

I wonder if the punctuation of the third stanza might be tweaked. The first line sets the viewpoint. Then, in our minds eye, we turn from 'you' leaning on the barrier to the image of the city itself. To me that change merits a full-stop and a new sentence. The third and fourth lines are develoments of the second which could be shown with a semi-colon (though I'm not so sure about that)

Thus...

Thus I lean on a crowd barrier.
The city looks shaved by the sun;
only the Arch, hardly triumphal,
juts out into the blue, arrogant.

Oddly and obliquely, every time I read that last stanza I think of a Gordon Lightfoot song:

"and if time could heal the wounds
I would tear the threads away
that I might bleed some more"

[Bar22do]

Thank you winterroom. I didn't know Gordon Lightfoot but have found and heard him on You Tubes and like his lyrics very much. Best to you, Bar

P.S. ah, and I tweaked a bit S3 punctuation, not exactly as you suggested, but hopefully still acceptable!

[AuntShecky]

Oh, what does this poorly-travelled Americaine know from
Paris?

(But I do know from heat, even in the relatively "cool" great Northeast of the U.S.A.)

Of this piece, the third stanza was definitely the best of the lot, especially phrases like "shaved by the sun" and the witty quip about the Arch not so "triumphe" today.

Thanks for posting this, and all the best.

Auntie

[Bar22do]

Thanks Auntie for having found a bit to like in this modest offering. Heat can really lead to pessimism... (though unjustified in this case, because the rain came a few hours after I posted the poem! he), best of all to you, Bar