Want vs Need

[doingitagain]

I am looking for serious feedback as to my language and image creation. Thank you for your consideration and time. Everything will be appreciated.

Johnny awoke with a start! “…What a dream,” he thought. The circumstances surrounding his life were simple to understand, yet complex in their effects, and his fragile mindset was fertile ground for ayahuasca, but he relinquished it to C2H5OH. Eighty-four ounces of beer filled his belly, and at the beginning of his 49th he was ready to accept the truths his psyche had found too dangerous to soberly accept. We find Johnny in the middle of a probation term (1 yr), and on the verge of another court case with a similar charge, drugs; the fear of being taken away from everything he loves began to transform him into an awkward mix of appreciation of freedom and disabling depression. To pass the time in a constructive manner, he read literary classics from Dostoevsky to Kerouac, and the latter struck a chord with this Free Bird’s thoughts, “Why shouldn’t we let go of a piece of our normality for a glimpse into another lifestyle?” Music, not the kind that keeps you grinding against a pussy or ****, but the kind that makes you raise a fist in solidarity, was his escape from inevitable judgment. While he was sleeping he was slave to his emotions and drunkenness.

[Mariner]

Quick flashes of images, like you're holding up pictures of Johnny in different situations and thing rapidly switching to the next. Nice, realistic situation, but to fast for me.

Here's some quick feedback for your quick story =] :

Did not understand certain words or abbreviations like "ayahuasca" and "C2H5OH." I'm not a science guy. I don't want to have to stop in the middle of your story to look these up. Simplify or define to not confuse readers.

Do not change narrative modes. You start off in the third-person but in the third sentence you're using second-person. Keep a consistant narrative throughout otherwise it's confusing and unclear who's talking.

You write with energy and verve and your sentence construction is good. Just try not to make us guess to much as to what's going on.

[doingitagain]

Mariner, thank you for your feedback. Until I read your reply, I had never researched the 2nd person. I'm impressed that you were able to understand where the change took place and how. Would you say the use of "we' contributes to it?

Thank you for your compliment on my use of energy. One of my problems is that I get too caught up in enticing the reader in that I forget to expand upon my "plot points" or simply explaining what I'm talking about.

For my next passage (idk what it's going to be called) I will have your compliments in mind.

I like your sig.

[AuntShecky]

You asked for comments and by way of a reply I'm afraid to say that this initial posting does not read like a short story but rather a précis or summary of one; it's almost like a excerpt of a police blotter or a case study.

Even if this was intended as the initial passage of a longer work, in its present form it doesn't seem to be, I'm sorry to say, dynamic enough to open a short story or a creative work.

The subject matter --again seems --to be one that has been around the block several times, the new (to me) term for the psychedelic substance -ayuwhatsis--not withstanding.

So my general advice is send this back to the proverbial
drawing board for another go-around.
Meanwhile, for non-specific, highly opinionated "advice," there's this.
(http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=41000)

I'll take another look at this if and when you decide to do an overhaul. Best of luck to you.

[hillwalker]

I agree that you are doing nothing more than setting a scene - and not doing it particularly coherently.

Why do we jump so abruptly from Johnny waking from a dream to some philosophical consideration of his mindset? Was there a reason for having him asleep in the first place? And do we need to hear him thinking 'What a dream' if doing so serves no purpose?

It's a mish-mash of perspectives - first the narrator describes Johnny's situation then suddenly 'we' have become part of the story - and the tense changes rather randomly as well:

'We find Johnny in the middle of a probation term... the fear of being taken away from everything he loves began to transform him ...'

It bears the hallmarks of something scribbled on the back of a menu or a cigarette pack. If you are intending expanding it into a story it needs a radical rethink as well as some research into the dynamics of story-telling.

H