Returning

[Haunted]

returning


ocean blue sky
a taste of sea change
this second day of June
is a gift

it’s also time
to go home

a helicopter tears a hole
in the cobalt wrapping
and lands 50 yards
from the convertible

but that’s actually
a sweet sized sedan
until it pirouettes
as a free spirit would
into the overprotective
steel guard rail

there’s a paradox
somewhere between
the mighty Jaws of Life
and a black body bag

but analyzing it
would take an eternity

meanwhile 2 hours passed
the body’s still warm
and the head still
missing

[Hawkman]

Hi Haunted. I like this one but keep an eye on your tenses, there is a bit of an oscillation going on between present and past which begins with 'landed'. Also I think elapsed, rather than lapsed and have rather has.

Still, it's an evocative, thoughtful piece.

Live and be well. H

[Haunted]

Thanks Hawk for the corrections and your kind words, as always.

I want to cut down on the syllables, I dropped lapsed and changed it slightly.

[Bar22do]

This, oh haunted, is certainly causing anxiety, to say the least. I'm not sure about the mirrored phrases at the beginning, think that simple "ocean blue sky/wind in the hair/this second day of June/is flawless" would work even better, but perhaps I'm the only one to think so.
In any case, a well achieved poem indeed.

[Maryd.]

Another Haunted one indeed!
Love the ending.

[hillwalker]

Some memorable images here - wow, a powerful return to the forum and to form.

H

[Doralace]

Am not a good critic, but this poem's imagery strongly speaks to me.

[Jerrybaldy]

but analyzing it
would take an eternity

Indeed haunted.But you are worth it.

Welcome back :D

:party: :party: :party:

[Haunted]

Thank you so much everyone!!!

Bar, sorry if it rattled you, you know me, can't help fleshing out a gruesome piece when the idea presents itself. I was there just after it happened. When I saw the chopper I knew it's very bad. They don't bring in air rescue and fire engines for no reason. I did the mirror thing because it felt complete, as that day was, so beautiful. But it also goes with the theme of returning, a circular trip back to the Maker.

Mary, thanks! Thrilled that you "love" the ending, that is a tough one.

Hill, it's indeed a return in several different contexts. What's a better return trip than getting a "powerful" comment from you. Thanks!

Doralace, thanks for the read, you are a good critic whether you know it or not. I like to hear criticisms as well, so don't hold back. I usually post to a long running thread called A Short Collection of Trashy Poems (http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=53888). Hope to see you there next time. BTW welcome to Litnet!

Jerry, O boy O boy, a welcome back party. Here I come! x

[Maryd.]

Hey did someone mention party. I'm in for that.

[Haunted]

Sure did. A bloody mary for a bloody sweet Mary!

[Maryd.]

Haha... Cheers... :cheers2:

[Haunted]

cheers my favorite drinking buddy :D

[hallaig]

Like it a lot, but you should ditch the inversions in the first four lines, they are distracting. Like the terse and spare language.

[Haunted]

hallaig, many thanks for your comment. You are the second person to trip over the inversions and I don't love it, so I revised it out. Welcome, I'll see you around.

[PrinceMyshkin]

returning


ocean blue sky
a taste of sea change
this second day of June
is a gift

it’s also time
to go home

a helicopter tears a hole
in the cobalt wrapping
and lands 50 yards
from the convertible

but that’s actually
a sweet sized sedan
until it pirouettes
as a free spirit would
into the overprotective
steel guard rail

there’s a paradox
somewhere between
the mighty Jaws of Life
and a black body bag

but analyzing it
would take an eternity

meanwhile 2 hours passed
the body’s still warm
and the head still
missing




Extraordinarily succinct and graphic!