H

[Jerrybaldy]

Jesus Christ awaited me
at the top of Nana’s stairs,
with his thorny crown
he would scare the living crap out of me.
With all seeing eyes
I passed his likeness
On my way to have a pee.
He knew that I had sinned
and his bleeding hands
would pass me soon
to the satans on tv.
I would flee two steps at a time
his sacred stare
singeing my neck hair.
I had prayed to his father
to stop a cancer
and the fisherman now
had wine and bread
and a black hole piece of me.

[G L Wilson]

I like very much.

[hallaig]

Last 5 lines are powerful though I don't totally understand the construction, maybe it's the comma after 'now' that's confusing me. Don't know if I like 'scare the living crap' no for any puritanical reasons but bexcause it doesn't fit the rest. Don't really like 'his bleeding hands would pass me soon' either, think you might reword that. Good subject. Good poem.

[G L Wilson]

I think that the last five lines are fine as they are. My mother died of cancer, she is now with the butterflies. The death of a loved one sure leaves you empty.

[hallaig]

Yes it's an experience some of us, maybe most of us, can empathise with. Just pointing out the last 5 lines, though potentially powerful, don't make grammatical sense.

[G L Wilson]

The last five lines make perfect grammatical sense, I disagree that they don't.

[hallaig]

it makes sense if he's praying to God to stop the cancer and the fisherman, but what sense does that make? If the comma's removed however it does make grammatical sense and sense sense.

[G L Wilson]

it makes sense if he's praying to God to stop the cancer and the fisherman, but what sense does that make? If the comma's removed however it does make grammatical sense and sense sense.

He was not praying to the fisherman, he was praying towards the fisherman. In that sense, it makes perfect sense. He is a poet, one must forgive a poet's little transgressions from time to time.

[hillwalker]

He was not praying to the fisherman, he was praying towards the fisherman. In that sense, it makes perfect sense. He is a poet, one must forgive a poet's little transgressions from time to time.

... as long as they convey what he meant to say. In this case, I'm guessing it wasn't what he intended so it needed the comma.

H

[qimissung]

yeah, the comma after now probably needs to go. As for the "crap" maybe that's because that's the adult narrator talking, not the kid he's remembering himself as.

A mighty excellent poem, Jb.

[G L Wilson]

The comma is needed.

He could be Catholic, therefore his praying to the fisherman now and not towards the fisherman now would make sense.

[hillwalker]

The comma is needed.

He could be Catholic, therefore his praying to the fisherman now and not towards the fisherman now would make sense.

point being that a comma is also needed after 'cancer' for this to make sense.

H

[G L Wilson]

point being that a comma is also needed after 'cancer' for this to make sense.

H

I disagree, no comma behind cancer shows despair.

[ampoule]

Your title...Jesus' middle name?? I really liked your poem until those last few lines which seemed like a very private thing for you and not for me to understand. That's not too difficult though. ;)

[Bar22do]

I agree with ampoule, but it's a powerful poem indeed.

[_Shannon_]

I think it'd be better to rework "scared the living crap out of me". It both doesn't scan, and doesn't fit in with the language of the rest of this fine, fine poem. I remember those emotions about things on the walls and knick-knacks at my grandparent's house.

[Jerrybaldy]

Thank you G L Wilson and hallaig for posting and for your debate.

Hill, you are rarely wrong. thanks.

Thank you qimmisung. You are right about the adult narrator talking.

ampoule you are right about Jesus H Christ :)

Thank you Bar.
Thank you Shannon.

I will remove the debated comma. I prayed to the father of the fisherman. The end is not particularly personal as I suspect cancer may often be followed by ... Dear God.

[everyadventure]

Comma or not, it is another powerful piece from the all-mighty Baldy.