This Is My Life—

[Pendragon]

This Is My Life—

This is my life—
The morning dawns and I wake up to another lonely, dreary day
I occupy a permanent table inside the Sad Café
Always seems there is no one there to catch me when I fall
Things in my life change very slowly, or do they ever change at all?

This is my life—
I guess I’ll never really understand why things turned out this way
Was it just the “Hand of Fate”; was it the choices I have made?
Am I still going crazy or am I already insane?
Somewhere a granite tombstone is just waiting on my name

This is my life—
I don’t know how to face my daemons any more
Every day the restless tides roll in and flood my foggy shore
Trapped in an invisible box, I can't find my way out
I’ve even forgotten now what a “friend” is all about

This is my life—


Pendragon
© Saturday, May 28, 2011


(Note: The first line of each stanza are bass notes on guitar or paino, (da-da-dum-da), the remainder like a soft rock ballad). Much of the wording was inspired by favorite sad songs, with all due credit to their writers.

Pen

[PrinceMyshkin]

I wish you'd consider deleting that three line last verse: it's such an overt play for pity that it's likely to have the opposite effect, and it betrays the more restrained expression of the previous verses.

[Pendragon]

I wish you'd consider deleting that three line last verse: it's such an overt play for pity that it's likely to have the opposite effect, and it betrays the more restrained expression of the previous verses.

Compromise: last two gone. I'm not trolling for sympathy, just helps to write these things sometimes...

[PrinceMyshkin]

Compromise: last two gone. I'm not trolling for sympathy, just helps to write these things sometimes...

I think your compromise is better than what I had suggested, because the final iteration of that short line ends the poem on a poignantly helpless note, without complaint against or celebration of your life. It just is and in leaving it at that you permit or indeed invite us to draw our own conclusions. Bravo!

[Delta40]

I think you have just the right measure of observed self-pity. Any thicker and it would change.

I like the lines

I don’t know how to face my daemons any more
Every day the restless tides roll in and flood my foggy shore


I mostly read 'it is what it is' in the poem

[MystyrMystyry]

Sad!


Sad!!


Sad!!!

[IceM]

This Is My Life—

This is my life—
The morning dawns and I wake up to another lonely, dreary day
I occupy a permanent table inside the Sad CaféAlways seems there is no one there to catch me when I fall
Things in my life change very slowly, or do they ever change at all?

This is my life—
I guess I’ll never really understand why things turned out this way
Was it just the “Hand of Fate”; was it the choices I have made?
Am I still going crazy or am I already insane?
Somewhere a granite tombstone is just waiting on my name

This is my life—
I don’t know how to face my daemons any more
Every day the restless tides roll in and flood my foggy shoreTrapped in an invisible box, I can't find my way out
I’ve even forgotten now what a “friend” is all about
This is my life—


Pendragon
© Saturday, May 28, 2011


(Note: The first line of each stanza are bass notes on guitar or paino, (da-da-dum-da), the remainder like a soft rock ballad). Much of the wording was inspired by favorite sad songs, with all due credit to their writers.

Pen

To the first bold, it seemed corny. I couldn't find much to sympathize with in those lines, because I couldn't possibly imagine a "Sad Cafe."

Stanza 2, line 5 should have "with my name" rather than "on my name" in referring to the tombstone.

To the final bolds, the last two lines have a degree too much of self-pity, while I feel the third to last line has perhaps one too many descriptors.

I will say, the sentiment is there. I feel your pain, albeit not as powerfully as you perhaps intend. Perhaps your appeal to pathos is a bit overwhelming.

[tailor STATELY]

Poetry aside - best wishes (and a prayer).

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

[Pendragon]

I couldn't possibly imagine a "Sad Cafe."

Song by the Eagles The Sad Cafe


Stanza 2, line 5 should have "with my name" rather than "on my name" in referring to the tombstone.

Actually "waiting for" indicates a time when this will have to take place. "Waiting with" I feel would indicate that I felt life so hopeless I was contemplating suicide, which I am not.


To the final bolds, the last two lines have a degree too much of self-pity, while I feel the third to last line has perhaps one too many descriptors.

I will say, the sentiment is there. I feel your pain, albeit not as powerfully as you perhaps intend. Perhaps your appeal to pathos is a bit overwhelming.

Ah, there you must exercise your divine right to your own opinion, a choice I freely give you! I chose my words carefully, and it works for me!