Kyazi Assassin #3

[DrachenSeele]

Kyazi Assassin Part 3 (see my profile and statistics for Part 1-2)

Kyazi angled the gun lower peering through the scope. The BMW the man was in came to a stop. Kyazi put his finger on the trigger. He cursed as another man took his place in front of Kyazi's objective. Waiting for the man to move Kyazi zoomed in a bit closer. Almost as if in slow motion the man blocking his view moved out of the way. Kyazi took a deep breath and pulled the trigger. An uproar of yelling and shouting burst out as Kyazi's objective fell to the floor. Kyazi slung the gun over his back and ran for it. Before he had set up for the assassination Kyazi was sure to wipe out all the security cameras that would be in his pathways, which provided him an easy way out. Without any cameras, Kyazi was out of the building within ten minutes.

[hillwalker]

This reads as if you are making it all up as you go along and immediately putting it down on paper - reporting what happens as soon as you picture it in your head :
- the assassin taking aim - someone getting in his way - then moving out of the way - the kill - the escape - then you suddnly remember he needs to get rid of the security cameras so you tell us he already did that earlier on (doh!)

This is NOT a story (not even microfiction despite its brevity). At best it's a story board - captions that perhaps need pictures alongside them in a graphic novel for example.

If you intend writing fiction and passing it off as a short story or even a novel I suggest you read some first to get a feel for pace, character development, plotting etc. This lacks all three.

H