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DrachenSeele
05-25-2011, 03:32 PM
Kyazi Assassin Part 2: (check my page for the first part) This is an edited piece of the original Part 2. I hope this one is better. It is an essential part of the story.
Kyazi stood by the hospital bed gazing down at her. He stroked a strand of hair away from her face.
"Standing around here staring at Lisa won't do anything you know," Kyazi looked up at Mitchell.
Mitchell leaned against the door frame.
"Why are you here?" Kyazi asked hotly.
"The same reason you are," He shrugged. "Oh, by the way, the FBI rehired me. They went over the files and realized that I had nothing to do with it. It was your entire fault. Are you doing anything to help her or are you just sulking like you had done when they let you go."
"I'm not sulking. I have something." he said tightly gripping the edge of the bed until the tips of his fingers turned white.
"What?"
Kyazi looked at Mitchell. "It doesn't matter."
Mitchell laughed. "I'll take that as you haven't done anything. You're stuck. After the FBI got rid of you you've become wreck. You don't know what to do with your life-"
"What would you know?" Kyazi barked. "You never concerned yourself with me, even back then. You were a two faced tyrant." Kyazi laughed with an edge of madness. "I saw how you did it." He gestured at Lisa. "I tried to protect her from you. But she was so deceived. I doubt you're even putting a complete effort to help her."
"You don’t know what you're talking about, Kyazi," Mitchell threateningly said shaking his head.
"Whatever. You do what you will and I'll do what I have to," Kyazi walked passed Mitchell and out into the hall.

hillwalker
05-26-2011, 07:06 AM
If this is an essential part of the story then I'm afraid you've got problems.

All I managed to get out of it was that someone called Lisa is in a hospital bed and two ex-FBI characters are having an argument (possibly about who put the girl in hospital in the first place). The dialogue was so long-winded and weak that it came across as rather pointless.

You did manage to inject a small degree of tension in the way the main character behaved, but the dialogue had the opposite effect you were looking for. Rather than sharpen my curiosity it just bored me senseless.

Characters can come alive if you get their speech patterns right and make their conversation sound true to life. However, in this instance they sounded like rejects from a 1950's gangster movie.

H