Done

[everyadventure]

When he doesn't come,
I rise from the bank brush
and wrap myself in the patched picnic blanket
against the seeping cold.

A grackle lands deliberately on the aspen's branches.
He tilts his glossy black head,
asking…

A leaf falls, sharp yellow.
It floats, swirls in the dam's spiraling eddy.
I stroke a burr caught on my sweatered elbow,
and listen for his cycle's distant thrum.

The grackle ruffles impatient feathers
and eyes me knowingly
as I watch the water gulp and swallow.

I do not remove my shoes.
The river bites my ankles
and tugs at the blanket.

Spooked, the grackle rises,
wings thrashing against the branches.
The aspen quivers with anticipation,
but I...

I am done waiting.

[Hawkman]

Rather a sad poem, ea, but very atmospheric. These days I only feel like that when camped out in a hide waiting for wildlife that refuses to show up! Almost as great a tradgedy as an empty inbox :D

Live and be well - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

So sharply observed and noted all the way through that I positively rebel against the implication of the ending! If you will insist on so downbeat an ending, surely there ought to be a bit of foreshadowing of it? Yes, one is aware that she (I assume) has staked a lot on what she's waiting for but I for one am not ready to believe that "a lot" = all in the life of a person as acute as your narrator.

[hallaig]

Well observed, like the sparsity. The bit 'the grackle ruffles....knowingly' seems a wee bit clumsier in construction than the rest. Like it though. Well done.

[Bar22do]

I enjoyed your poem completely, or rather, not yet enough. Its delicate tone, its simplicity and I rather love the cutting ending. Lovely poem, I'll come back to read it again, ea.

"I stroke a burr caught on my sweatered elbow"

tells a lot for a tiny detail like this...

best of all, Bar

[hillwalker]

I'll have to disagree with Prince ref the lack of foreshadowing - there were enough clues for me to suggest this wasn't going to be a 'happy ever after' moment :

asking... / sharp yellow / knowingly / gulp and swallow

it all suggests a gradual build-up to some pivotal moment and I felt it was handled with a high degree of skill.

And the ruffling grackle - the two lines upset the rhythm of the piece but perhaps that was also a deliberate touch to inject some unease into what is otherwise a quite tender poem.

H

[Delta40]

I think you set the atmosphere in the first stanza. The stillness and coolness of night. The wrapped blanket. I adored your eye for detail right down to the burr on your sweater.

One of your best EA

[IceM]

I think the greatest clue to the somber ending was the "aspen quivers with anticipation." The seeping cold tipped off a discontent and the impatience of the bird, who is already "knowing" of the speaker, tipped off the impatience of the speaker. I found the ending well-done, as well.

This poem still creates in me a feeling of incompleteness. The ellipsis after "asking" creates anticipation, as does the reason why the speaker had originally been waiting. But a well done poem indeed!

[Delta40]

I think with all the detail, we could have spent the night observing the movements of the river, trees birds but this poet said abruptly, she was done waiting and that capped it off beautifully for me.

[everyadventure]

Thanks all, for your comments. I hadn't realized that line about the grackle...ruffled interrupted the rhythm, but you all noticed it so you must be right! Is it too long? Wordy?

[Delta40]

Seeing as I have no idea what a grackle is, it sounded wonderfully interesting to me....

[deryk]

It's a nice illustration of expectation met with absence. I most enjoyed the way you personified the surroundings with the emotions of the speaker.

[blank|verse]

A well achieved, darkly-toned poem, ea, a tone which is maintained well throughout, although some of the lines could do with being tighter.

I had to Google the grackle, but it's such a characterful bird looking at some photos - the closest similarity I can draw to birds in the UK is somewhere between a starling and a magpie. It's well chosen, and brings Poe's 'Raven' to mind, of course.

I thought the 'grackle ruffles' line was one of the stronger of the poem, nicely half-rhymed rhythmic trochees; although I was a little unsure about 'impatient', which veers into pathetic fallacy a bit too much. I enjoyed the pairing of 'thrashing' and 'branches' in this line:

wings thrashing against the branches.
But I thought this line too long:

A grackle lands deliberately on the aspen's branches.
and 'deliberately' the wrong word.

The delayed ending with the ellipsis is a bit amateurish and melodramatic to be honest, and should be avoided. Just let the sentence carry its own weight, without the cheap trick. If you want to slow the reader, just put a full stop after 'anticipation'.

So even though a disturbing topic, an enjoyable piece.

[everyadventure]

@B|V, yes, I thought it was a bit melodramatic myself... actually the entire ending is, not just the ellipsis! Thanks for your input.

[blank|verse]

@B|V, yes, I thought it was a bit melodramatic myself... actually the entire ending is, not just the ellipsis!
Forgivably so, though, so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. The poem reminded me of one I've mentioned before called 'The baker's daughter' by a young poet called Annie Katchinska. (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Faber-New-Poets-Annie-Katchinska/dp/product-description/0571250009) (I'm afraid this is the best link I can find. You can read an unlineated version of the poem under the 'Book Description' section if you scroll down the page a bit. Let me know if you want the real thing.)

[Jerrybaldy]

I am also unaware of the grackle but it is a bird built for poetry and I loved your poem Miss for all its mystery myth and romance.