Kyazi Assassin #2

[DrachenSeele]

Kyazi Assassin Part 2: (check my page for the first part)
Xalim took a pile of papers from his drawer and placed them in front of Kyazi. "Sign these and it will be official," Xilam said. He was a tall man in his mid thirties. He had brown hair gelled back, dark brown eyes and a broad mouth.
Kyazi scanned over the contract. He grabbed the pen from his pocket and signed the papers. As he stroked the pen across the papers it was as though he was signing himself away to these people. He was selling himself. Was it worth it? He wondered just before lifting the pen. "Yes." he whispered to himself. Xalim glanced at him. Kyazi handed the papers back to him. Xalim grabbed the papers and dropped them in the drawer opposite the one he took out.
"Then it's official," Xilam grinned. His white teeth shining like pearls. "Welcome, Kyazi."
___
I'll post more later

[hillwalker]

I'm not sure why you suddenly decided to describe Xilam in detail after he took the papers out of the drawer. It just seemed odd - and does it matter what Xilam looks like anyway? I rather doubt it.

Also the phrase 'the papers' appears 5 times in a very short piece. This needs editing - cut back as much as you can. All the reader needs to know is that Kyazi has signed a contract to become an assassin. Stretching the entire episode out the way you have here doesn't bode well for what is supposedly going to be an action story. Ask yourself the question 'Does any of this matter to the plot? And is this the most exciting way to begin a thriller?'

H

[Hawkman]

To be honest, it is unlikely that an assasin, assuming he wishes to remain extant, would be leaving any kind of paper trail in his wake. In fact, it is probably unlikely that a professional killer would ever actually meet the people who hired him. Distance and anonymity would seem prudent. The term, "Contract", referring to a specific killing for pay, is something of a euphemism. In these instances, money tends to change hands through electronic bank transfers to dummy holding companies in off-shore accounts, where the prying of international police and security agencies is discouraged. The thing about being an assasin is to be a ghost.

It is possible that your protagonist is "signing up" to be trained, however, He still wouldn't actually put his name to a piece of paper. Taken in hand and shown the ropes, it would be made clear verbally that the consequences of messing up would be fatal. At least, I would have thought so!

H

[DrachenSeele]

So are you suggesting I take out the whole scene then?

[DrachenSeele]

Since this is going to be a short story should I bother describing there looks? I did notice that I mentioned 'the papers' continuously. But I was on my way out the door and didn't fix it. Thank you though. I will keep working on my writings to make them better.

[hillwalker]

Unless the 'looks' of the characters are essential to the plot there's no point describing them - especially in a short story.

You can add a few touches to bring a character to life - the way he slams a fist into the palm of his hand when he's feeling impatient perhaps would be an example of detail that adds something to the story. But listing unimportant stuff like height, clothing and hairstyle is wasting the reader's precious time and the sign of a writer looking for material to fill a blank page at all costs.

Similarly - if the story is about an assassination does it matter how the killer was recruited? Only you can answer that. If the answer's 'no' why bother telling the reader something so irrelevant?

H