Old Ground

[hallaig]

On Old Ground


Here, where the reeds meet
the loch darned in light,
moss has taken over,
though a ruined garden seat
juts from the grass like a limb.
Anemones are everywhere,
daughters of the wind,
white bladed stars badged on green
like the sky fallen and drowned
in dew. This is a silent place,
it has sloughed its humans,
though in the play of sun and shade,
it is hard not to think of them,
the children calling from islands,
the hats, the parasols and skiffs,
lovers by the water’s edge,
and their last kiss.

[Hawkman]

Outstanding! Welcome to lit net...

Live and be well - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I don't know what to make of that "last kiss". Of course it may mean the most recent, the last thus far, but it feels more like the last ever; in which case retrospectively the "old ground" becomes a cemetery? But you use language throughout as if the things themselves were giving birth to their names before our very eyes. An astonishingly vivid, moving poem.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Surely this deserves more responses than it has had?

[Delta40]

It does! I shiver as I am transported to this little patch of home ground. Great piece and welcome to Lit-Net!

[Jerrybaldy]

made me think of a cemetery too and well done!

[tailor STATELY]

Welcome to litnet.

Hauntingly beautiful.

I especially loved
Anemones are everywhere,
daughters of the wind,

Not a critique, but I am curious to the mechanics of
like the sky fallen and drowned
in dew. This is a silent place, where "in dew." begins the next line rather than end the line with its line-mates.
Balance ? Aesthetics ? Style ? Other ?
Just curious as I said before.

Ever learning,
tailor STATELY

[Bar22do]

This is a noticeable poem! I read it over a few times, savouring. Thanks for sharing it. I'm with tStately regarding the line. Thought his suggestion was good.
Welcome to Litnet, hallaig, what a wonderful start! Best regards, Bar

[hallaig]

attempt at ghostly word chimes at line ends I suppose is the reason why dew appears where it does. Don't know if that works, though. Thanks for comments. The scene wasn't a cemetery but the grounds of an old mansion gone to seed and deserted.

[yuka]

If not depending on the dictionary, I would not be so clear about some images, but the atmosphere you created here let me read and read, yes, I love the atmosphere, I love the nostalgic feeling, a good opening ,a good ending too, and the good control of the flow. wonderful piece. Thank you for sharing

[hillwalker]

A subtly haunting piece - one worth reading over and over again to savour each moment.

H

[blank|verse]

Yeah, a nice poem, hallaig, that reminds me of Robin Robertson, whose work you may have read. There's an interesting tension between man and nature in the poem, that comes across most vividly with the stand-out line:

This is a silent place,
it has sloughed its humans,
The seat 'jutting like a limb' is also quite gruesome; and even the flowers are 'drowned'.

So I was disappointed that the poem had such a happy ending. The last image in particular is a cliche and the poem deserves better. (And I wasn't sure about 'skiffs' which seems to have been included just to give a half-rhyme with 'kiss'. And 'parasols'? In Scotland?! :))

But overall I thought the lines were well controlled and it's a great first post, so I look forward to reading more of your poems.

[Alexander III]

I liked the poem, especially the last lines those were excellent and really gave a powerful ending. However I found the poem a bit to slow, it lacked flow so to say, reading down was more a crawl than an effortless dance. I also was not too keen on this line "white bladed stars", the description doesn't seem to fit the general mood and atmosphere.

[everyadventure]

I didn't think the poem had a "happy ending," really. It's a poem about a place lost in time, that holds nothing but the echo of memory. This was a good poem, I could actually SMELL it.

[firefangled]

On Old Ground


Here, where the reeds meet
the loch darned in light,
moss has taken over,
though a ruined garden seat
juts from the grass like a limb.
Anemones are everywhere,
daughters of the wind,
white bladed stars badged on green
like the sky fallen and drowned
in dew. This is a silent place,
it has sloughed its humans,
though in the play of sun and shade,
it is hard not to think of them,
the children calling from islands,
the hats, the parasols and skiffs,
lovers by the water’s edge,
and their last kiss.

This is very evocative, a nice balance between theme and pace. it reminds me of the the chapter "Time Passes" in To the Lighthouse, where darkness and the airs of an empty house are coupled to evoke time passing through the rooms.

I agree with BV about the tension between nature and humans you have created.

I would consider making some minor changes:

- the loch darned "with" light
- pale broken stars badged on green

I love the idea behind the last kiss (didn't get happy at all). Skiffs is fine also, but to avoid forcing an end rhyme, I would remove it and end with:

the hats, the parasols and skiffs,
a last kiss by the water's edge.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I love the idea behind the last kiss (didn't get happy at all). Skiffs is fine also, but to avoid forcing an end rhyme, I would remove it and end with:

the hats, the parasols and skiffs,
a last kiss by the water's edge.

Nor do I get happy and if the last line had read originally as you have it here, I might have gladly accepted it, but the one I did read is the one that impressed me, and I much prefer it to your change, where there is somewhat overt melodrama, almost as if the lovers are aware of the finality of the kiss,

whereas I think the subtext of the poem is that the landscape is the aftermath of an earthquake, as witness among other things:


a ruined garden seat
juts from the grass like a limb

Otherwise what explanation can there be for the apparent death not only of the love affair but of the lovers themselves?

[everyadventure]

Earthquake? Um. I think it's merely the passage of time, here. I don't think that anyone died abruptly... it's just a place that's been forgotten.

Congrats on making it to page 2, H!

[Bar22do]

It was exactly what I was about to say - just a place long ago forsaken. Prince, it's not earthquake. If you re-read the poem carefully, you'll see it's a quiet and men abandoned area. Best, Bar

[PrinceMyshkin]

EveryA & Bar: I should have made it clear that the earthquake took place some time - perhaps years - before the present of the poem. Otherwise, what accounts for the finality of the lovers' last kiss? There's no earlier hint of any shadow lurking over these lovers, at least not that I discerned.

[deryk]

Delightful evocation of a scene.
My only gripe begins with "Anemones are everywhere". It's a very intense contrast between the rest of the images. And although it invites the senses by itself, I feel it fails to breech a tangent with the rest of the poem.

[IceM]

Jutting like a limb was such a powerful image.

I, too, don't think the poem had a happy ending, though had it continued in the chilling, isolationist imagery rather than the reflective memories, it perhaps would have been stronger.

[hallaig]

no eathquakes, troops. Just a country estate deserted by its people and left only with memories. Last Kiss as in final kiss. Thanks very much for all your comments

[ampoule]

I am sitting somewhere off to the side, a breeze against my face. I close my eyes and see the house. I open them and see all of the action, the children, the lovers, there are others there also. It is sunny. It is summer. I close my eyes and open them again. There is a slight chill in the air as I look for the children.....I hear a gull mocking the dead scene.
I could go on and on but hopefully you get the 'picture'. This poem was/is very alive for me.
Thank you!

[_Shannon_]

love, love, LOVE "sloughed its humans". Agree with the change: darned "with" light.

I really like the ethereal quality evoked here. It kinda broke my heart, reading it. Well done!