The Iron Bridge

[_Paul]

This is a poem I wrote whilst sat in one of my favourite haunts; the iron bridge in Liverpool. It is a spot on Sefton Park of great beauty, with a pond and beautiful surrounding trees/flowers/general greenery. It is also a famous courting place in the 1800's and has a beautiful ghost story attached to it.

I love the leaves that fall from trees
They lay so pretty on the ground
Tread on by feet each as unique
As the feet that tread before

I love the winds that blow my sins
To other lands I do not know
Everything’s different so all is well
The wind should blow here more

I love the flowers that pass hours
Aesthetic pleasure is the best
Kind not cruel unlike loves rule
I could lie amongst them all day

I love the rain that cools the pain
Of the fires raging in my head
It comes from the ground via the skies
Washing the dirt away

I love the couple walking bent-double
Side by side for all of the years
That have gone and are yet to come
Eternal means only a kiss

[Delta40]

Paul that was beautiful. I think linking the sturdy iron bridge to the elderly couple at the end, gave it a timeless sense of endurance. I want to go there and see it.

[Buh4Bee]

I also like the sentiment expressed here and many of the images are lovely. I think the rhyme may have worked a bit against the poem though, although I like the simplicity of the repetition of the opening line of each stanza. Inspiration from the setting that the poem was written in is evident.
Sometimes I felt the language was too simple:
all is well
is the best

This is one great line:
I love the winds that blow my sins
To other lands I do not know

I say it almost works, but just falls short of getting the cigar.

[yuka]

Beautiful and elegant, Paul, you got very sensitive touch for poetry

[_Paul]

I also like the sentiment expressed here and many of the images are lovely. I think the rhyme may have worked a bit against the poem though, although I like the simplicity of the repetition of the opening line of each stanza. Inspiration from the setting that the poem was written in is evident.
Sometimes I felt the language was too simple:
all is well
is the best

This is one great line:
I love the winds that blow my sins
To other lands I do not know

I say it almost works, but just falls short of getting the cigar.
I felt that rhyme was an important factor of the poem as the eloquent sound of rhyme emphasized the aesthetic beauty of the place. I also have no problem using simple language, I've always felt overwritten poems appear forced and thus lack authenticity.


Beautiful and elegant, Paul, you got very sensitive touch for poetry
Thank you very much!

[IceM]

I love the leaves that fall from trees,
They lay so pretty on the ground,
Tread on by feet, each as unique,
As the feet that tread before

I love the winds that blow my sins
To other lands I do not know.
Everything’s different so all is well,
The wind should blow here more Feels like you're missing a word here.

I love the flowers that pass the hours,
Aesthetic pleasure is the best, "Is the best" detracts from word quality.
Kind, not cruel, unlike Love's rule,
I could lie amongst them all day

I love the rain that cools the pain
Of the fires raging in my head.
It comes from the ground via the skies "Via the skies" feels clumpy.
Washing the dirt away

I love the couple walking bent-double,
Side by side for all of the years
That have gone and are yet to come.
Eternal means only a kiss

My recommended changes are revealed in the quote. Beautiful job though.

[_Paul]

Thanks a lot for the feedback IceM, I will touch up the poem and post it later on in this thread. From now on I am going to use this thread to post all my poems in. This is another poem I have recently completed; it is again written it in my favourite haunt of the Iron Bridge however the content is entirely different:

Through the eye of a peephole
My life ebbs away
I smile at my neighbour twice
She returns it once
For tomorrow is there today

We glance from across the room
Our words in the air
They hang but never meet
Bonds of silence, and
Shyness rule this torrid affair

People’s past shapes the future
So I’m always told
Pasts entwine to future coils
Coils entwine again
Then lost in time we never unfold

Three roads meet in just one place
Two from sun, one rain
Yet all roads can meet true but
Travel the roads wise
For roads beyond don’t meet again

These words of wisdom echo now
And that’s all we have
Echoes of love, loss and lust
Kept only in mind
For only there can truth be had