The Girl At The Racecourse

[deguonis]

:crazy:
Her eyes, green and shiny,
Her mouth, moist and tiny
Her nose, aquiline
Her humour, asinine...

She's got a nice belly,
her hair is soft and lank,
But her feet are smelly
Last night they stank.

At the racecourse Oddysea works,
selling tickets to bettors like me;
if I get to win the prize tomorrow,
I'll invite her to get a pedicure.
:yesnod:

[hillwalker]

I can see why the smiley's eyes are boggling. Very playful is the best comment I can come up with - bordering on nonsense verse.

It's a shame that since you seem to be so determined to stick to rhyme at all costs that you changed rhyme scheme in the first two verses (aabb then cdcd) and finally gave up in that closing verse.

Verse 3 doesn't make a lot of sense as it's written anyway - even if the lady of your dreams does work at the racecourse the reader is left asking - "So what?"

H

[jajdude]

I respect hillwalker a lot as he is brilliant, but here he is being fussy I reckon.

Nice work deguonis

[hillwalker]

I respect hillwalker a lot as he is brilliant, but here he is being fussy I reckon.

I'm always 'being fussy'. I tend to leave no nit unpicked :-)

H

[deguonis]

I can see why the smiley's eyes are boggling. Very playful is the best comment I can come up with - bordering on nonsense verse.

It's a shame that since you seem to be so determined to stick to rhyme at all costs that you changed rhyme scheme in the first two verses (aabb then cdcd) and finally gave up in that closing verse.

Verse 3 doesn't make a lot of sense as it's written anyway - even if the lady of your dreams does work at the racecourse the reader is left asking - "So what?"

H

thank you for your review.

Sir. Are rhymes outdates? Should I cease resorting to rhymes?


I respect hillwalker a lot as he is brilliant, but here he is being fussy I reckon.

Nice work deguonis

thank you very much indeed for your review.

[hillwalker]

Rhymes are not outdated - but poetry is not just a series of lines that rhyme despite what many people believe. And in too many cases writers new to poetry concentrate on finding rhyming words to attach to the end of lines instead of just expressing themselves clearly.

Those first two verses, for example - it's obvious your choice of words was based purely on whether or not they rhymed rather than on their suitability. Calling this lady's nose 'aquiline' and her humour 'asinine' - is that really what struck you about her???

H

[IceM]

I do agree with hill here; too much emphasis on the rhyme, as it detracted from the possible content had rhyme scheme not been so emphasized. But I do appreciate the humor nonetheless.