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Jack of Hearts
05-18-2011, 02:21 PM
Chance a Camel

A Children's Story


It’s getting dark outside. Stars are beginning to shine where night time is painting over day. And like I always tell you, kiddo, every night before I tuck you in before bed: just because I’m with your mother doesn’t mean I want to be your dad.

But she came home from work in that overly festive sweater-vest again. You know, the one that she thinks is crafty and ‘fun.’ After a day of ridicule at the office, she’s sprawled out downstairs with her feet up. Blame that on the Franzia. So here I am, preparing to tell you a bedtime story so you’ll be quiet for six to eight hours and I can get back to watching The Late Show, and then The Late Late Show, and then infomercials, and then George Lopez. It’s not like I’m going to work tomorrow (liberal arts degree). If I accidentally demonstrate any knowledge of philosophy on my part, I apologize- it’s automatic. I’ve been slipping it into conversations for years now. Intellectual street cred.

Once upon a time there was a young camel named Chance. Chance lived in the desert with his mother and an adult male approximating a father figure but who in no way, shape or form embraced the legal, financial or emotional aspects of that role. Chance’s earliest memories were of his hoofs patting the sandy, bumpy ground on the outskirts of an emerald green oasis. He often bounded through the air and thrust his nose at dragon flies, their glass-like wings fluttering against the arid sky. There was an enormous desert on every side of him. Sometimes his pack wandered the dunes, always circling back to the life giving source at the oasis. And like the good camels they were, they always made it to camel church on Sunday.

And Chance never forgot what he was taught about camels. The preacher camel, shaky with grey whiskers, said as he stood upon a rock in the shade, “Brothers and sisters, the way of the Lord is righteous and difficult. We are unworthy but made worthy in the sacrifice of His only begotten Son. The old ways are gone. The kingdom of heaven is made open only to those who love and accept His Son as their Savior. Take heed! The Son knows your heart. He cares not for your outward exuberances or vanities in His name, but that you accept the ideals of brotherhood and charity and serving others. Follow the Son, love the Father and be mindful of his living word. The Father built us camels strong, that we might last through the punishment of the desert, of the world. Our bodies, designed to assume the burden of abuse, absorb it even, shall prevail in his name. Turn the other cheek to this world! Endure it! Those who defy His mercy shall find themselves living in sin and be cast into a lake of sulfure, where fire and brimstone will rain down upon their scorched bodies for all eternity. Also, it’s singles’ bingo night, so single people, we’re inviting you this evening to come on down and be social with the chance to win prizes. There’ll be snacks. Pamphlets over by the sand pile.”

As they walked home from the sermon, Chance followed behind his mother asking various questions. Her answers were articulate and complete. The exchange exhibited a thorough understanding of the religion Camelianity.

“Mom,” Chance said, “All I have to do is love Cameljesus,embrace the moral values that the Camelbible tells me about and forsake the temptations of the body, and then my immortal soul will go to Pet Heaven?”

“Yep,” his mom said.

“Whoa,” Chance said as his feet came to a halt. The horizon was hazy and multiplying. Objects that moved infront of his eyes left a trail. “I think I’m getting dizzy.”

“Well come home when you’re done,” his mom told him as she walked into the distance.

Then Chance was alone. The more he thought about Camelianity, the easier it seemed for him to be a good Camelian. He knew in his heart that he could do all those things and see all his friends in Pet Heaven one day.

“Pssst. Hey, kid…” Chance looked around. There was just the lush oasis and beyond, tiny swirling sandstorms in the dunes. “The bushes,” the voice said again. “Over here.”

Chance approached the leafy cluster, droopy eyed and slowly. His face was low to the ground and his forehead tilted foreward. “What are you?” he
whispered.

“Your worst nightmare.”

“MOM, HELP!” He screamed. “SECULAR HUMANISTS!”

But it was too late. There were already claws upon him.

Chance wasn’t sure what had happened, but when the world oriented itself to his senses, his was far from the oasis. It was just a speck in the distance. Now he was in the sandy dunes, surrounded by no less than six lions.

“What…” Chance swallowed loudly. “What are you going to do with me?”

A lion with a fiery red mane stepped forward. “We are going to tear into you…”

His voice was exactly like Liam Neeson’s but he is not a metaphor for God.

“… with logic,” the lion finished his sentence after a moment.

And so they stood around young Chance and shouted elegant logical constructions about why Camelianity raises more questions than it answers. Some of them mentioned substance dualism and asked Chance to point to his mind. Others mentioned that there was horrific historical misgivings about the actual existence of Cameljesus but a clear agenda in the Camelchurch. One really effeminate lion talked about how awful Chance’s fur looked.

“Stop, stop, stop!” Chance holllered. “My head is killing me!”

“Because we are ripping through the garbage up there,” said Liam Neeson as he circled the young camel.

“If you aren’t Camelians, what do you guys believe?”

“We all believe the same thing. Except for Nihil, over there.”

At the edge of the gathering a cross eyed lion was repeatedly shoving sand into its mouth and spitting it out again. “But never mind,” Liam Neeson said. “We’re creatures of science. We believe in evolutionary psychology. All animal behavior can be traced back to a common source, such as the need to eat, or poo or mate. It’s all explained by the construction of the brain, which is like a supercomputer. You see, dear boy, there’s no such thing as a soul.”

“No!” Chance screamed.

“Search your feelings, “ Liam Neeson told him. “You know it to be true. Also, we have pamphlets over there, next to the sand pile.”

Then a funny feeling began to come over Chance. It started off a tickle. He giggled a little bit, dopey in his smiling and stumbling movements. The pleasant, drunk feeling soon gave way to what felt like his skin ripping apart. He howled in pain and thought, perhaps, the lions had educated him and then began to feast on his flesh, just like student loans.

When he oppened his eyes again, something was different. Liam Neeson stood before him, his proud lion claws in the sand. “Welcome, brother,” he said. “You may now travel to Lionland.”

Chance had transformed into a lion. His muscles felt strong. He was agile. His claws itched from the sand and felt like they ought to be ripping into something… with logic.

So the lions began to travel out of the desert. They wandered for forty minutes and had forty fights… because with that much logic flying around, it’s just inevitable. Chance got to ask a bunch of questions about their ideology and his new body, like, for example, how to use the bathroom. And just like his conversation with his mother, this converation revealed depth and understanding of the subject at hand.

“So there is no soul or metaphysical mind or life after death? Everything is firmly rooted in biology, every thought, feeling and memory? And there are things consistent across all animal nature?”

“Yep,” Liam Neeson answered.

With Nihil the lion bringing up the rear, running circles and biting his own neck, the pride (Did You Know?: A pride is a pack of lions) soon came out of the desert and into the warm, dry grasslands of the plains. Chance had never felt grass like that before, stringy and dry and ichy, and his new footpad on the bottom of his lion’s claw made him all the more sensitive to the earth below him. Chance knew he was growing up. As they wandered out of the desert he had began listening to alternative music and read all of Les Miserables.

In the distance there was the figure of a lion. He was laying inthe shade of a lone tree, a single tower amongst the plains. “Go to him,” Liam Neeson told Chance.

As Chance left the pride to approach, he could see the old lion’s movements in the tree shade. He was laying down and flicking his tail boredly. Chance kneeled down before him and opened his mouth to speak.

But the old lion knew what he was going to say before he said it. “Yes, the lions are correct in certain ways. Young Chance, I tell you, the body and the soul are the same thing.”

“Wait!” Chance objected, the grass itching his lion elbows. “I thought there was no soul!”

“You see,” the old lion continued, “the body is composed of drives. How we express these drives, appease them even, defines our moral values. And these drives all stem from one rule across every creature with a consciousness, because we animals are not human and at this point in the story I can’t use that word in a definition.”

“Nietzsche,” Chance whispered.

“What?” the old lion said quizzically.

“Sorry,” Chance said. “This dry grass of the plains is making my knee itchy.”

“Oh. Anyways, that one rule is called ‘The Will to Power’, and it means, according to some certain textbooks, the organism’s desire to seize stimuli and transform it. Enact it’s will upon it, if you will.”

“Ok, I believe you,” Chance said. “But now what? I’m stuck out here with a bunch of lions who think we’re all biology, and I can’t go back to Camelianity. What am I supposed to do? I’ve been transformed into a lion! I feel the constant need to tear things apart… with logic. This sucks!”

“Yes,” the old lion said wisely. “We lions are so quick to tear apart the world around us. But supposing you live long enough to succeed. Supposing you tore the whole world apart. Entire worlds of values. You would still feel the need to tear with your mighty lion claws. But what would be left?”

“Just me,” Chance answered. “I… have to tear myself apart.”

The old lion nodded fondly and pointed to the pack of lions in the distance, where Nihil was doing back flips and urinating at the same time. “He was once our greatest lion but alas did not survive his own shredding. You must shred, dear Chance, and pray remember life as a creative act and you the artist, not unlike Legos ™ or lincoln logs.”

He was unsure, but Chance began to tear.

Now, the plains are wide and expansive. But if you should go there, if you should step through that dry crinkly grass so bleached from the harsh sun, you might see a lonely, tall tree spreading out across the sky. There’ll be no lions. They’ve long sinced moved on to continue their shredding. You’ll see no camels, who remain in the desert of their choosing, continuing to use their unpowerful and fortified bodies to weather the abuse of this life that they might prosper in the next. No, if you find that tree, you’ll see a child underneath it. About your age, even, six years old. He casts rocks on the grass and they fall in strange patterns. His tiny fingers lift them and move them in wonder, and he if puts one far enough to the west, the sun will set, because the sun to him is a play thing.

Now go to bed, I’m missing Letterman.

Jack of Hearts
07-28-2011, 04:19 AM
Well, bump.








J

Jack of Hearts
01-06-2012, 05:42 PM
C'mon. Read the camel story. You know you wanna.







- Jackley Parts

smerdyakov
01-07-2012, 03:35 PM
An amusing allegory, Jack. The choice of the "suffering" camel to portray the "Christian" was inspired. As was the nihilistic lion who "runs in circles and bites his own neck."

Some lines that made me laugh in a good dry way:



Chance lived in the desert with his mother and an adult male approximating a father figure but who in no way, shape or form embraced the legal, financial or emotional aspects of that role.



So the lions began to travel out of the desert. They wandered for forty minutes and had forty fights… because with that much logic flying around, it’s just inevitable.


Overall, an unusual and entertaining tonic. Thanks for sharing.

Jack of Hearts
01-07-2012, 04:09 PM
Hey thanks! This story was going to get bumped every 6 months until at least one person read it.




- Jack Go Carts

AuntShecky
01-09-2012, 07:49 PM
Oh, my Good L--, er "Camel," this is by far the best thing you've ever done.

From an aspect of parody (the lead-in to the story by the father-figure storyteller) through the bedtime story itself (told exclusively by an undoubtedly unemployed philosophy major), this is a brilliant tour de force.

I'm tempted to say "clever," but I hate that word as it always seems damning with faint praise, like something one suburban housewife might use to compliment (backhandedly)another about her crocheting skills.

There were many, many funny lines where I laughed aloud. (Not "lol"--"la".)
As they say in the late night infomercials, "there's much, much more!"

Again, this is outstanding work.


PS How in heaven's name did I miss this way, way back in May?

Jack of Hearts
01-09-2012, 08:22 PM
And when he dies, let him be remembered for his magnum opus...

Auntie, thanks a bunch for reading. It's a strange reaction- at first this reader thought it was passed over cause no one liked reading it or it was too long. But between you and smerd, that's one-annuh-half "liked it"s. That ain't bad!


And finally somebody read it. Jeeze. Thanks again you two.






J

AuntShecky
01-28-2012, 06:11 PM
Bump-Bumpety-Bump-Bump


Bump!


Bump!

Jack of Hearts
01-28-2012, 06:53 PM
This piece suffers from a few problems unfortunately, Jack.

First there's the matter of showing vs telling. At parts it's not entirely clear which of these things you're doing. Rather then 'shelling' you should be 'telling.' And once you're 'telling' you should be 'showing.' And, of course, after you 'show' you'll need a 'shower.'

Another problem is with the protagonist, Chance. Frankly his character is unbelievable. Nobody believes a camel could talk. There's a part in the story where he hesitates to scratch his knee. Nobody would ever hesitate to scratch an itchy knee.

It's clear english isn't your first language and some of the phrasing is awkward or incomprehensible. Start smaller. Also, whatever you can do to make the piece more exciting, such as inserting utter nonsense into it, then do it.

So is it salvageable, with a little elbow grease? This critique should close by saying read as much as you can. It's not too late. It's not too late to give up writing and work at something you're actually good at, like making minimum wage.

Good effort Jack, but it just didn't pay off.



- moundstroller

Charles Darnay
01-28-2012, 07:19 PM
this piece suffers from a few problems unfortunately, jack.

First there's the matter of showing vs telling. At parts it's not entirely clear which of these things you're doing. Rather then 'shelling' you should be 'telling.' and once you're 'telling' you should be 'showing.' and, of course, after you 'show' you'll need a 'shower.'

another problem is with the protagonist, chance. Frankly his character is unbelievable. Nobody believes a camel could talk. There's a part in the story where he hesitates to scratch his knee. Nobody would ever hesitate to scratch an itchy knee.

It's clear english isn't your first language and some of the phrasing is awkward or incomprehensible. Start smaller. Also, whatever you can do to make the piece more exciting, such as inserting utter nonsense into it, then do it.

So is it salvageable, with a little elbow grease? This critique should close by saying read as much as you can. It's not too late. It's not too late to give up writing and work at something you're actually good at, like making minimum wage.

Good effort jack, but it just didn't pay off.



- moundstroller

metatroll :D

Catamite
01-28-2012, 07:22 PM
This story was freakin' great! It made laugh out loud alomst through out, and like Aunt Shecky I hesitate to say it 'was clever' but, it was clever. The doppleganger style was used well to a plumb, and the blending the 'in story' abd the Dad's voice was perfect.
The allegory is especially funny because the whole 'camel through the eye of the needle' thing. Absoluteky brilliant. The best thing I've read on here, well done!

Hawkman
01-29-2012, 06:13 AM
Oh Thank you Auntie for the link!

Jack, This is absolutely wonderful. It's been lurking on the boards in obscurity for months and I never knew it was here. I suppose that will teach me to cast an eye over the general writing thread more often. What a gem!

may you forever travel in circles

H

Alexander III
01-29-2012, 11:07 AM
It took me a bit but I see what you did, and it was rather cool. The prose, or rather speech seemed a bit off for me, not true enough, but that is the hardest part. That would be the only fault I see.

cafolini
01-29-2012, 11:48 AM
You should rework the idea of reverence until the last straw breaks the camel back and he becomes a lion. The original child is reverence. The final child is one of the intellect: "A yes, a no," an overcomer of the lion. The original child's reverence is the key to the metamorphoses. The child struggles as a lion to achieve an intellect that will redeem him with new reverence whenever he pleases, when thoughtfully appropriate, and take away the destructive aspects of the lion. He must again become a child of the senses. The lion is the complete European nihilist in diapers.

Jack of Hearts
01-30-2012, 01:50 AM
cafolini-

It seems that the Unicorn of Mycenae was circumcised again on Litnet. Darkness at the break of noon shadows even the silver spoon, the hand made blade, the child's balloon eclipses both the sun and moon, to understand you know too soon there's no sense in trying. Do or do not; there is no try.







J

Jack of Hearts
01-30-2012, 02:37 AM
Ham sandwich is your midnight lover. Parallel consciousnesses.









J

BookBeauty
01-30-2012, 03:42 AM
Hey there J!

What an amusing story-within-a-story. I say that because, it's a coming of age story that we all know well, but the story of the father telling his son the story is also a story, a preparatory one. Warning his son about life.

I love how the two stories play together, weaving intricately, with a great deal of wit.

That is difficult to do with a controversial subject. We're often left groaning, and thinking, 'Not again,'. Here, however, we're able to muse and enjoy the contemplations.

I'm afraid there is one line that made me wince, however.

''He was laying down and flicking his tail boredly.''

Sadly, ''boredly'' is not a word. I've often wanted to use it, too. I would replace it in this instance with either, ''...flicking his tail, bored.'' or, simply replacing, ''boredly'' with a word like, ''restlessly''... I'd prefer the latter, for flow purposes, myself.

I'm sorry for the nitpick, but it really stuck out to me.

Anyway, this really is a wonderful piece. I quite enjoyed it, and wish I had read it sooner. :)

Jack of Hearts
02-02-2012, 05:09 PM
Oh! Thanks for reading, everyone. Sadly, not much can be done about your critiques, because this post is so old (8 months) that it can't be edited. There are definitely more than a few typos in there, but c'est la vie. C'est ma vie.








J

jajdude
02-08-2012, 09:05 PM
It's a good story Jack. It might get more attention in the short story forum. I didn't notice it either as I rarely look at this forum.

Jack of Hearts
02-08-2012, 09:19 PM
Thanks, dude.


It might get more attention in the short story forum.

Who cares, though. This poster has decided not to contribute his efforts here anymore.

Was going to try to just do critique/feedback for a while, but this reader is no critic, that's for sure, and doesn't want to be. It doesn't make sense to him to just be here for giving feedback. So that's all over.

So now it's just the odd post thrown at the wall here and there, about any topic, much like random insertions into a conversation.








J

AuntShecky
02-09-2012, 05:49 PM
This poster has decided not to contribute his efforts here anymore.


J

Say it isn't so.

BookBeauty
02-09-2012, 06:23 PM
Say it isn't so.

:iagree: