Sam Evans

[lleewwiiss]

had to delete for personal reasons

[TheBearJew]

You have a nice style and certainly enticed me, but this isn't a finished product.

-First of all, your semi-colons and dash usage needs to be fixed. Both are great tools, but they need to be used correctly.

-Secondly, I felt that some of the word usage felt off:

A) Engrossed by nostalgia, in the second paragraph. First off, it doesn't really make sense to be engrossed by nostalgia. And, you are describing deja vu more than nostalgia. Nostalgia is a yearning for the past, and that doesn't seem to be what you're describing.

In the same paragraph, you said gave a wink, which can be simplified to winked at, encapsulated by curiosity = curious. And where had he seen this man before should be followed by a question mark or changed to He had seen this man before. It seems trivial and clear, but it can confuse the reader who sometimes glances at words rather than focusing closely.

B) Depersonalized and drunk just doesn't flow well in the second to last paragraph.

C) On it read If I've.. = It read: If I've...

-Turning to the police makes sense, but the comment about his donut just throws the reader off track.

-The story is unclear at the end. You mention that he's drunk, but put in a sentence where he drinks, as it's easy to miss that information. The ending doesn't come out clear by any means.

Overall, good first draft, but not a finished product.

[hillwalker]

One minor point before my feedback – you don’t need to apologise for sharing a second piece with us having already posted a story on here before. As long as you don’t exceed one new posting a day you’re welcome to post as much material on here as you like. Obviously, be prepared for a mass of negative criticism if you flood the site daily with nothing but rubbish!

You are obviously an accomplished writer, confident enough to display a certain style and use of language. But perhaps because of that your piece comes across as rather emotionless.

para 1 - I found this one difficult to chew on – it seemed as if you had decided to make that opening phrase as convoluted as possible.
Why begin with ‘Then’? I know it suggests something has transpired before the story begins but I don’t see the need to include it at all.
Also you are repeating yourself needlessly – the monotony of work and its effect/the anhedonia of work and its effect.
The opening paragraph is critical in any short story as it is there to build up the reader’s expectations. This did not - although it does finish with some style – you show us Sam is a drinker rather than just broadcasting the fact.

Para 2 – some plot development, but by introducing specific locational detail the reader is suddenly transported from inside the train carriage to turning the corner on 7th Street – it’s a clumsy short-cut, not a smooth enough transition which suggests you hurried writing this bit in order to get to something more meaty.

Para 4 – two ‘met’s in close proximity is unfortunate – and ‘screeching to a halt’ is a worn-out cliché. Again by the end of this paragraph there are signs again of this work being rushed.

This time the man move[d?] parallel to Sam, follow his every move from across the street.

is careless writing.

Para 5 – ‘paranoid’ and ‘paranoia’ in the same sentence (also you should really be showing us signs of Sam’s paranoia through his behaviour rather than stating the fact that he is paranoid).

Arriving at the city police station and being met by an obese cop – it’s another short-cut and doesn’t fit in particularly well with the flow of the plot. You need to consider what parts to flesh out and what parts to leave out.

Overall this entire police station incident did not strike me as realistic – and it certainly jars with the rest of the story.

It would have worked just as well to write something along the lines of –

‘[I]By the end of that afternoon Sam was so stressed by the situation that he found himself making a statement at the local police station but to no avail. The desk sergeant dismissed his complaint with a shrug of the shoulders.’

Para 9 – Sam is up on the roof, hears a door slam and ‘It was him’ (who? – the mystery man presumably but you need to be more specific) – and he was staring down? from where? the sky?

Para 10 – ‘Who are you? And what do you want?’ – hardly credible dialogue. It’s like a line from a B movie.

The ‘twist’ at the end was also rather predictable but you’re forgiven. I was, however left feeling rather dissatisfied overall. I found it impossible to engage emotionally with Sam because he was rather one-dimensional. He had no more substance than the mystery man (in fact, probably less).

So I have to agree with BJ that this is a work in progress and still needs more time to shape it into a more coherent story. There are gaping holes where you have skipped through the plot, jumping from one section you enjoyed writing to another and filling the gaps with inferior material.
Many writers struggle with writing action sequences - even something as simple as telling the reader the main character left the room and crossed the road can sound contrived or just too banal to be of interest. You need to read more widely to discover the best (and worst) ways of tackling character behaviour.

Some of your word usage shows you know your way around a thesaurus – but clarity of expression is a better tool than erudition.

This response might sound ultra-negative but your writing shows a great deal of promise. I think you need to get to know Sam better then allow him to tell you his story.
Good luck.

H

[lleewwiiss]

had to delete for personal reasons

[hillwalker]

I'm not quite sure how you managed to do this but it's 100% better.

It's very well-writtten; direct and to the point. Great stuff.

H

[TheBearJew]

Much better. You took every critique to heart, and it really came out as a good, clear story. Now I understand it, and it flows far better. Well done.