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Revolte
05-18-2011, 07:31 AM
Sheets of the dirt's dust picked up like tan clouds. Forcing floating shards of forgotten glass to flicker like candles under the full orange moon. The air was warm and the sea, bluer then on the brightest day, slammed the cliff bottom in sacrificial roar. A man stood at the ledge listening to the calm of natures symphony. With eyes locked to nowhere and mind bargaining with itself, he stepped closer to the sea.

“Give proof to nature's lore, let her beauty claim her bounty. Become hers once more.” He whispered, repeating the line louder with each new step.

Arms open like an eagle he began to lean off the edge. When from behind came a rustle–braking the moon's spell. He turned to find a sight as beautiful as the night. She was tall, her hair was white, but she was young and it must have been dyed that way. She wore a sleeveless red dress, caressing her slender body. The V of it's chest flaunted her breasts. She was barefoot, walking slowly towards the man. She seemed to float as if there was no ground. Beside the man she looked to his eyes. Hers were of such a light shade of blue they almost seemed colorless, showing full reflection of the stars like cutout diamonds placed perfect beside her pupils.

Neither of the two spoke. They only stared at one another, lost in each others gaze. She reached out her arm, motioning with her head to follow. He grabbed her hand and she led him back through the surrounding woods to a patch of grass and laid him down. In shock the man opened his mouth to speak but was lovingly stopped by the touch of her finger.

She sat on top of him, angelically lifting the red dress off her body and setting it on the grass beside them. Mesmerized the man took of his shirt and placed it over her dress. The earth rattled by the beating of his heart while she stripped the rest of him.

They laid upon each other naked, warmed by only their skin and rushing blood. She took him and placed him within. Two as one their bodies danced, covered in sweat. Switching roles and position in a hectic sort of beauty. The trees around them seemed to shiver in their presence, as if they where watching the entire event. Howling wolves sang songs while crickets played violent and the couple's hearts played bass, giving rhythm to the orchestra.

Their scent swept away with the wind along with their moans and grunts. It was as if there was nothing but music and dew filled grass. A large gusting roar howled around them as they finished. Now simply laying, skin against skin, bodies entwined and hearts still pacing every so rapid.

Upon reclothing they stood and walked silent back to the ledge, gazing into the night.

The man looked to the women “what is your name?” he asked. “Lilly” she replied. “Lilly.” Repeated the man. “Jude.”

The two smiled at each other, held hands and regained gaze to the open. In smile they lifted their arms and together they fell.


Give proof to nature's lore, let her beauty claim her bounty.
Become hers once more.

hillwalker
05-18-2011, 09:11 AM
Check out my short story about suicide on...If you like it then check out my blog for more short stories...

I'm not sure I approve of you taking a free ride on the back of someone else's work to advertise your own. Discourteous considering you did not even have the manners to leave comment.

As for Revolte's piece - it's a little too good to be true is it not? And we never get to discover the reason for the main character's death wish.

However, there are some fine descriptive passages (although the opening is a little too heavy on alliteration - 'dirt's dust' and all those F's in the ffollowing sentence.

There are also a number of typos - 'Memorized' should presumably be 'Mesmerised' and there's the predictable misuse of 'lie' and 'lay' (peculiar to most American writers for some strange reason).

But I enjoyed reading it - and I'm guessing the lady in question was a figment of his departing imagination anyway.

H

YesNo
05-18-2011, 09:45 AM
I agree with hillwalker that I could not see a reason for the suicide. For me, this was the main problem with the story.

The female or angel provided a justification for the suicide which made me wonder all the more why he was doing it and suspicious that there might be no reason at all especially with the word "art" in the title.

Revolte
05-18-2011, 04:58 PM
I would tell yah why he did it, but that would just take all the fun away :)

@hill my spell checked corrected it as memorized and I didn't think to question it just clicked and clocked.

TheBearJew
05-18-2011, 06:31 PM
It was well written and a good read, but I felt like it would have more substance. I don't see much meaning or plot. It needs more substance, as far as I see it.

The title draws you in, but "The Art of"? How so?

You write well, and thusly I critique harshly. This needs more to it, though.

Buh4Bee
05-18-2011, 09:10 PM
I thought of it as a writing exercise rather than a polished piece. From that perspective, I think there are some very good lines as well as a decent love scene. Because it is such a short piece, I found it easier to accept not understanding the reason for the suicide.

Revolte
05-19-2011, 11:07 PM
Okay fine. I wrote this about the way I'm feeling, I'm going through a lot of crap constantly lately including going back to jail for pretty much trying to save my friend and is life, needless to say im losing it.

SO

this little piece is just my interpretation of what I want, make sense? It's also everything I can't seem to have, freedom, love, romance, companionship, nature, beauty. It's an expression of my desire, not some completely fictional crap I through together for so I wouldn't be bored.

The man in the story is me, the women is my desire, and the jump is my wish.

There is nothing more to even be explained.

hillwalker
05-20-2011, 04:42 AM
this little piece is just my interpretation of what I want, make sense?

Absolutely - not that any writer is ever required to explain him/herself. It's for the readers to make their own interpretations and those can often differ from the writer's own intention - but that doesn't mean the writing was any less effective.

It was a worthwhile read - and I trust you get through this difficult period in your life as unscathed as possible.

H

Buh4Bee
05-20-2011, 07:19 PM
Thanks for sharing and my thoughts to you in this incredibly difficult time.