Fml

[deryk]

F*** My Life

Once you've helped to recover
your last friend during
their hospital-stay,
and in turn to repay you,
they ignore all your calls.
all significance is slighted
like spit on a lightbulb.

[Hawkman]

Hi deryk. You seem to have a problem with expression in the first two lines:

"Once you've helped to recover"

reads as "helped to retrieve" rather than "get better", and, "...at their hospital stay..." should be "during their stay," I think.

Nevertheless, the obvious pain of the narrator at the distancing from the former friend is clearly conveyed.

Live long and prosper - H

[deryk]

Hi deryk. You seem to have a problem with expression in the first two lines:

"Once you've helped to recover"

reads as "helped to retrieve" rather than "get better", and, "...at their hospital stay..." should be "during their stay," I think.

Nevertheless, the obvious pain of the narrator at the distancing from the former friend is clearly conveyed.

Live long and prosper - H

Thanks Hawkman, I was trying to "bludgeon" the language without making it unreadable. I'll be sure to delegate correct usage next time. :)

[everyadventure]

Spit on a lightbulb! I did not expect that, and it is always a delight to read something unexpected.

Perhaps you should send that ungrateful friend BACK to the hospital ;)

[deryk]

Spit on a lightbulb! I did not expect that, and it is always a delight to read something unexpected.

Perhaps you should send that ungrateful friend BACK to the hospital ;)

Thanks EA, it will probably result in what you say followed by a series of apologies...(not from me)

[YesNo]

It seems like there was initially a singular "last friend" who was in the hospital and then a plural "they" who are now ignoring you.

Why should this lead you to word the title the way you did? There may be some misunderstanding of the situation, if this is something from your personal life.

[deryk]

It seems like there was initially a singular "last friend" who was in the hospital and then a plural "they" who are now ignoring you.


Good catch on the implicitly guarded gender neutrality. In retrospect, that was too telling of how personalized the poem is.



Why should this lead you to word the title the way you did? There may be some misunderstanding of the situation, if this is something from your personal life.

I'm sure it's partly due to misunderstanding. I don't subscribe to black and white.

[Alexander III]

I honestly found this to prosaic, I think as it is, it would work better as a pargargph than as a poem. Also the simile felt awkward for me, as in the image was not precise and did not convey any particular emotion or atmosphere, but rather an awkward jumble. But that is just me, similes are very personal things.

[deryk]

I honestly found this to prosaic, I think as it is, it would work better as a pargargph than as a poem. Also the simile felt awkward for me, as in the image was not precise and did not convey any particular emotion or atmosphere, but rather an awkward jumble. But that is just me, similes are very personal things.

I agree. I suppose it was one of those spur of the moment writings where you realize what the flaws will be in advance and write it anyway. I wanted the simile to convey an atmosphere of violent stubbornness, but as you say, I think it merely comes off as awkward. At least it dislocated some people. :)

[Delta40]

It feels like a chunk of bitterness has been torn from the bigger picture and given to us to consider. Spit on a lightbulb is good.

[Bar22do]

Angry and bitter, like sometimes life makes us... I find it effective, deryk, thanks and hope N finds good friends after all... Bar

[deryk]

Angry and bitter, like sometimes life makes us... I find it effective, deryk, thanks and hope N finds good friends after all... Bar

Thank you Bar.

Well the update is said inspiration wrote me and apologized. Apparently medical school admissions are too demanding for serious communication. I replied with angry letter. Said inspiration re-replies "chill out"...


It feels like a chunk of bitterness has been torn from the bigger picture and given to us to consider. Spit on a lightbulb is good.

Delta pegged this one better than anyone. I only gave a tiny window. The speaker of the poem has MANY personality deficits himself... *sigh*

[Delta40]

You've given me a replacement curse word Deryk. Oh fummel! Go and get fummled...lol (it's our deficits that add to our unique beauty)

[deryk]

You've given me a replacement curse word Deryk. Oh fummel! Go and get fummled...lol (it's our deficits that add to our unique beauty)

You're SO FAST! I was still editing the reply immediately after writing! Haha!

[Delta40]

touch typist. I knew it would come in use one day!

[deryk]

(it's our deficits that add to our unique beauty)

Too right. Now I just need a means of cryogenically freezing myself while I wait for my friends to reciprocate and a reverse time machine to keep up with you, Delta!

[Delta40]

Sounds like an interesting Sci-fi poem Deryk!

[AuntShecky]

"Spit on a lightbulb" is the image that should begin, not conclude this piece. Take that phrase and run with it,
deryk.

Why is the second-person pronoun there? It looks as if it's a stand-in for the speaker, or the "I" of the poem. Usually --usually--in poetry we see the second person pronoun as an apostrophe or direct address.

Speaking of pronouns, there are instances in which the pronoun"their" doesn't agree with its antecedent, "friend." Their is plural, friend is singular. Same with "they."

And the passive voice rears its head again: "significance is slighted."

Despite all that, I grant you that this is an earnest expression of pain. The form needs some considerable revision, though.

[Jerrybaldy]

spit on a lightbulb. Right or wrong its memorable Deryk and above all else this poem has pesonal written all over it which is way more interesting than its alternative. I love it for that.

[deryk]

"Spit on a lightbulb" is the image that should begin, not conclude this piece. Take that phrase and run with it,
deryk.

Why is the second-person pronoun there? It looks as if it's a stand-in for the speaker, or the "I" of the poem. Usually --usually--in poetry we see the second person pronoun as an apostrophe or direct address.

Speaking of pronouns, there are instances in which the pronoun"their" doesn't agree with its antecedent, "friend." Their is plural, friend is singular. Same with "they."

Introducing with the image... That's an interesting idea, AuntShecky. It would perhaps free me from the overbearing personal restraints.

I think the second person was modeled after the rather lame title, which is a spin on the popular website in which people post similar stories (although, I think even those people have moved on to first person, so I must confess delinquent prosody is the culprit).

"They", "their", as I have mentioned, was a vain attempt at gender neutrality.



And the passive voice rears its head again: "significance is slighted."

With all due respect, I wrote this a week before "Chess Sans Voir". So, although I totally agree, you can retract the "again".



Despite all that, I grant you that this is an earnest expression of pain. The form needs some considerable revision, though.

Gracias, mi tia querida.

[deryk]

spit on a lightbulb. Right or wrong its memorable Deryk and above all else this poem has pesonal written all over it which is way more interesting than its alternative. I love it for that.

Thanks, Jerry.

[Jack of Hearts]

There's something in there that this reader likes. Not quite sure what it is yet. Maybe you should keep posting poems, a larger sample size would be good for more thorough analysis.






J

[deryk]

There's something in there that this reader likes. Not quite sure what it is yet. Maybe you should keep posting poems, a larger sample size would be good for more thorough analysis.






J

Thanks Mr. Hyacinth House. Feel free to browse my other poems for that "sample size" anytime the mood hits you! http://www.online-literature.com/forums/search.php?do=finduser&u=76721&starteronly=1