The First Day....

[Wendy M]

From the first day he went
School was heaven sent
Mum reclaimed some sanity
But also a slight calamity
Having him to myself, so long
Mother to son bond, strong
I found plenty to keep me going
Even though it was showing
My heart was sad and aching
In fact it felt like breaking
But I knew he was in good hands
He’d be learning new commands
From teachers all so strict
After school would see the verdict
Of his first day spent in school
Where I hope kids were not cruel
But now I can go my merry way
And enjoy the rest of my day
Look forward to this afternoon
And take him a celebration balloon
So he knows that school is good
It’s all part of his childhood.

[hillwalker]

In your favour the topic is an original one and presumably based on personal experience - but you've allowed rhyme to dominate this to such an extent that I shudder at some of the expressions used...

From the first day he went
School was heaven sent

Mum reclaimed some sanity
But also a slight calamity

But I knew he was in good hands
He’d be learning new commands

From teachers all so strict*
After school would see the verdict

But now I can go my merry way
And enjoy the rest of my day

*all so strict is particularly crigeworthy.

It's bordering on humorous, but in places one is left grimacing at the mix of jibberish and cliche-overload.

Apologies for being a tad harsh but I honestly can't see anything worth salvaging here.

H

[Wendy M]

That is your opinion Hillwalker..and there are cliches in all poetry. if you don't like what I write then do not come and look, it is plainly quite simple.....I could say the same about some of your poems....but of course, no one does.

[Delta40]

I don't particularly think the rhyme element does the beautiful, heartfelt sentiment justice, however it does come through enough to soften my aging features!

[tailor STATELY]

Ah, poetry... Such a vain mistress!

Hillwalker's comments are not overly harsh to my mind, but quite constructive. I disagree that there isn't much to be saved however; rather, one could craft a more effective poem, with your subject matter, with better use of your language and poetic skills. See also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stylistic_device

Rhyme, when done well is a delight; when dealt with arbitrarily comes off as a doggerel piece. To be tailor STATELY (as opposed to frank), many have trod the doggerel path (me,me,me!). From http://encyclopedia.thefreedictionary.com/doggerel :

Doggerel might have any or all of the following failings:
• trite, cliché, or overly sentimental content
• forced or imprecise rhymes
• faulty meter
• misordering of words to force correct meter
• trivial subject
• inept handling of subject

In general, critiques on these forums are meant to help. The worst criticism, to my mind, is to receive no comment at all (cringe).

Sincerely,
tailor STATELY

[virgo27]

I think it is hard to hear any criticism when writing about such a difficult, yet joyful time. You may have fun writing more poems about your little boy and just write freely without any structure. When the rhyme dominates the poem, you lose control of the pen. But know, no one is attaching your heart.