A Poem

[janardhan-Ann]

Kiss me



Kiss me,
not with thy lips
Embrace me with luv,

Hold me tight in dark of night
Brush thy skin against mine,
Before it looses warmth & shine,

Let me smell your sweat,
Listen your breast,
Re-discover you in folds of your skin.

Touching my heart,
Hear what is in
You are the one causing stampede there.



Come little further
I should feel your gasp
That rhythmic sound of joy profound.

Step with me,
Let us disappear in luv,
Don’t be tired we are nearing it now,

Keep it going a little further more
Heavens lie beyond
That boundary far there.

We shall live for
Hunger & thirst
Then peacefully sleep in death,

please do comment on this.....................,

[hillwalker]

I'm not sure what to make of this. It obviously started off as a love poem, and you have attempted to inject some originality into a topic that's been around since Homer was a toddler.

But some of it doesn't come across particularly well.

To begin with, using words like 'thy' and 'luv' in the same poem are confusing - are you aiming for a classical style of verse or something contemporary? Personally I would do away with 'thy' as it sounds terribly false - no one uses such language nowadays.

And what made you come up with this line? :

Let me smell your sweat,

It would have most ladies reaching for their can of 'Impulse' or whatever in embarrassment rather than swooning in delight.

Touching my heart,
Hear what is in
You are the one causing stampede there

here the syntax is just wrong - in fact there are quite a few grammatical flaws scattered through the piece that detract from the message - and the 'stampede' metaphor is a little laboured.

But then by the end I was actually wondering whether this poem is describing the sex act rather than luv...

That rhythmic sound of joy profound

Don’t be tired we are nearing it now

Keep it going a little further more
Heavens lie beyond
That boundary far there.

Then peacefully sleep in death,

If I've got it wrong, apologies, but I don't know what else you could be referring to.

H