Social Networking!

[Wendy M]

Facebook
It is like a dramatic
Collision
Of online life,
Like
Tectonic plates,
Smashing together
Causing

Earthquakes!

Facebook
It is like a succession
Of multiple
Echoes,
Reflecting
Back and forth,
Repetitive

Brain absorbed!

Facebook
The social utility to
Connect us,
Interactions
Without depth,
Unoriginal,
An addiction

Internet stress!

[hillwalker]

I like where this is heading - and the pared back style could actually be trimmed some more to sharpen the reader's focus - something along the lines of

Facebook :
a dramatic collision
of online life.
Tectonic plates
smashing together
causing
Earthquakes!

I'm not suggesting you use my revision - I'm not convinced 'smashing' is the most effective word in the context, or even 'causing earthquakes' come to that. The metaphor of social upheaval reflecting seismic activity is a good one but perhaps you need to avoid the more obvious comparisons and look a little further into your original idea's potential.

But you get the message regarding the form of the piece, and as a template for a more concise poem I think it might work better if you cut this down to the bare bone.

I also read somewhere that exclamation marks should be used sparingly - let the choice of words shock the reader not the punctuation!!!!!

H :-)

[Wendy M]

I like where this is heading - and the pared back style could actually be trimmed some more to sharpen the reader's focus - something along the lines of

Facebook :
a dramatic collision
of online life.
Tectonic plates
smashing together
causing
Earthquakes!

I'm not suggesting you use my revision - I'm not convinced 'smashing' is the most effective word in the context, or even 'causing earthquakes' come to that. The metaphor of social upheaval reflecting seismic activity is a good one but perhaps you need to avoid the more obvious comparisons and look a little further into your original idea's potential.

But you get the message regarding the form of the piece, and as a template for a more concise poem I think it might work better if you cut this down to the bare bone.

I also read somewhere that exclamation marks should be used sparingly - let the choice of words shock the reader not the punctuation!!!!!

H :-)




Evening Hillwalker

I couldn't help myself with regard to Tectonic plates and Earthquakes! just a thought or two this morning, apart from using explosives, this is the idea I came up with!!

I take your Tips and advice and will also get out of the habit of using exclamation marks, force of habit'!'

I could take it down a bit, good idea actually, I am so glad I never posted it on facebook, I think I would of been banned for life!

I will also have to stop watching documentarys on Iceland, then my I will not come up with ideas like this!

Thank's again for your very fine constructive critique, it is always helpful in my learning....

Wendy :-)

[Pensive]

Internet stress!
the best part of your poem imo! :)

[Delta40]

I think this is your best poem yet Wendy!

[Hawkman]

I'm with hill on this one Wendy M. A good idea but a little rambling and incoherent in execution for my taste. As it stands it's too jerky a read. Trimmed back a little and smoothed over, it will be far more effective. Good effort though.

Live long and prosper - H

[IceM]

I, too, appreciate the metaphor, but I don't feel as enthusiastic as the other readers about this work.

I get the same depthless sensation using Facebook--that there lies no context to interactions able to be erased instantly--, but the structure of the poem was off-putting. The line-breaks were very awkward. Instead of having some of the one-word clauses, why not just combine them with the above sentence? For example:

Facebook
It is like a dramatic collision
of online life,
like tectonic plates smashing together,
causing earthquakes!

Something along those accords allows your poem to read more smoothly. In this case, I don't get a sense of rushing forward with your use of enjambment.

I might also recommend trimming off the additional uses of "Facebook" in the 3rd and 5th stanzas. By this point, we know what you're discussing.

I do agree, the idea is there, and in poetry, at least in my books, the idea is the most pertinent aspects. There are millions of ways to express the idea. With some revision and fine-tuning with the structure--and here I do agree with the other readers--your poem will be much better.

[Buh4Bee]

Some good advice given.