Bedtime

[Hawkman]

Her face, tilted slightly to the left,
is framed by hair that has
a coal seam’s oily sheen.

A half-smile plays on painted lips,
as red silk shoulders undulate in time
to every stroke from boxwood comb.

Deliberately she rakes the strands,
while heavy-lidded eyes
gaze far beyond the looking glass.

[AuntShecky]

A remarkable little word portrait. You must've been reading some of the Imagists lately.

I can almost read this as what La Giaconda did after a long session posing for Leo. Even if this piece has nothing to do with it, your verse captures a moment frozen in time, the time, of course, from the past, not the fast-paced
so-called "life style" over-committed women have now.

After coming home from a hard day's work to another full day's work cleaning, cooking, etc., few women today have
the luxury of spending much time at the vanity table, aka
the "toilette." "Bedtime" usually means just that-- at which point the woman drops in exhaustion.

Even though I don't think it reflects Life Today, your word
picture is "timeless," though.

[PrinceMyshkin]

Gentle & mysterious, lovely!

[hillwalker]

There's a very erotic undercurrent running through this - the mysteries of womanhood.

'a coal seam's oily sheen' suggests more than just the colour of her hair - it brings to mind her hidden depths and perhaps a dark past.

H

[Delta40]

I like the last verse Hawk and how her eyes are unseeing. You capture a moment there between sleep and awake.

[Wendy M]

Hawkman ...your poem is very lovely..:)

[Hawkman]

Hi Auntie. Sorry, but I've not read anything for ages and this little poem is a thing, in and of itself :) I love your analogy with Mona, but I think I've already said enough about her - lol. It has oft been said that my vision lacks focus on the present - I am adrift on the sea of time and lost in mist and fog. Only my wake will tell me where I've been, as its wrinkles mar the glassy waters. I have the memory of a more liesured age. You might be on the wrong continent for my vision though.

Still, glad you seem to have enjoyed it.

Prince: You too found it pleasing, I'm glad.

hill, you picked up on a subtle undercurrent in the piece, I'm happy to note. Hidden depths and a dark past - Yes, and would it surprise you to know that I considered Geisha for the title? I decided against it because I felt it would lay too many connotations on meaning. The boxwood comb coal black hair and red silk shoulders were sufficient, if ambiguous clues, I felt.

Delta, Thanks, and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Wendy M, Happy to provide you with a pleasing read.

Thanks again to you all for reading and commenting. Live and be well - H

[IceM]

I'm not sure how much the following comment will be of assistance to you. Beautiful. I thoroughly enjoyed it. This very much would seem like seeing someone in the window of a passing bus, then going home and writing about what they may have been feeling, except in beautiful poetry. Well done. Thank you for sharing.

Regards,
IceM

[blank|verse]

Maybe it's just me, but the archaic reference at the end to the 'looking glass' made me think of Alice in Wonderland, and therefore reassess the age of the girl who otherwise is presented quite sexually, which I found a bit disturbing. From reading your reply, I don't know if this was deliberate or not.

There are several hints to the girl's possible personality, but otherwise I felt she was presented rather two-dimensionally. And I think I've read smiles 'playing' on lips too often, so maybe that was a chance for something more original. So overall, I'm left a bit unsure about this one, I'm afraid, Hawk.

[Hawkman]

IceM: Thanks for reading and taking the time to let me know you had and enjoyed doing so.

b/v: Well, your observations on the possible connotations of "looking glass" are a little disturbing, but I can't be held responsible for the subconscious preoccupations of the reader! Certainly I intended to imply "other-worldly", but no more than by saying, "we see but through a glass darkly".

I agree there is an element of cliche in those lips though :)

Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting.

Live and be well - H

[deryk]

Her face, tilted slightly to the left,
is framed by hair that has
a coal seam’s oily sheen.


Rustic and beautiful. Perhaps suggestive of a diamond in the rough.



A half-smile plays on painted lips,
as red silk shoulders undulate in time
to every stroke from boxwood comb.


Once again, I form an image of beauty that stems from some poverty or darkness.



Deliberately she rakes the strands,
while heavy-lidded eyes
gaze far beyond the looking glass.

I like that she is subject to some pervasive longing.
I wonder what her imprisonment is. The artist perhaps?
This reminded me of how the Victorians methodically destroyed their females.
Very stunning.

[Hawkman]

Hi Deryk, I'm curious about why you might consider it "Rustic" and what indicates poverty to you? Is it the boxwood comb? I understand these are (or were) in fact high status objects in Japan, and quite expensive, though this belief is formed from literary references rather than empirical knowledge.

Funny, I never considered the subject trapped or imprisoned - but she might be lost in thought perhaps.

Nevertheless, This poem seems to have touched and pleased you, which pleases me, so thanks for reading and for sharing your thoughts.

Live and be well - H

[deryk]

Hi Deryk, I'm curious about why you might consider it "Rustic" and what indicates poverty to you?

It was the coal. As soon as I read coal, I considered the scene to be either rustic or antiquated.