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Steven Hunley
05-10-2011, 09:23 PM
http://youtu.be/ykU8iSKkJR0

To Love Somebody
by
Steven Hunley

They looked like two friends walking through the park. They walked side by side, yet apart. She was looking away at the ducks on the pond. He was looking at her. The tops of the trees swayed back and forth in the breeze; a small boy flew a metallic kite with a red streaming tale.

On her left hand, on the third finger, a gold ring. The wife of a best friend.
He felt “that way” about her for months now, but hadn’t said a thing. He knew she didn’t feel the same. The walk-way was dappled with sunlight and shade, as if touched by a painter’s brush.

The pond was a Monet of water lilies.

All he noticed were the shadows.

A light, a certain kind of light, you know the kind I mean, had never shone on him. He lived his life in darkness, in obscurity, in silence. His feelings remained unspoken, his desires, unfulfilled. Love hurts when only one’s in love.

She didn’t see him as a man, but as a companion, at times a confidant, or a play-mate. Always a good friend, nothing more.

He wanted her eyes to see him as a lover, or a paramour at the least, or perhaps, with luck, her knight in shining armor.

She preached spirituality. He spoke only of the flesh. Their two worlds were never to meet.

They stopped. She dipped her hand into the water. Rivulets escaped her palm and ran between her fingers. He watched the back of her head. Her hair was up, but where it met her shoulders, soft delicate curls wound down her pale neck. His consciousness- lost in the loops of her hair.

When she turned around she was crying.

“What’s wrong, Michelle?”

“It’s not working out,” she sobbed. “It hasn’t been working out for some time.”

Suddenly she put her right hand to her left, pulling off the ring, casting it into the water.

He took out his handkerchief and dried her tears, then gave her the handkerchief to hold.

“Let’s go back. We can talk over coffee.”

The walk back was spectacular. He noticed the smell of the freshly mown lawn. The sun streamed through the rustling leaves and surrounded them with a cathedral of light. The day was new, fresh, inexplicably changed.

And if you had been there as I was, if you had seen them as I did, you’d notice she was holding his hand.

I was the boy with the kite.

Delta40
05-10-2011, 09:28 PM
I think the last line needs expansion. The little boy goes home, he's asked what he got up to and blah blah. It's too abrupt. On the other hand I like how you use the setting and the elements to reflect the inner conflict of his heart.

I would change Love hurts when only one’s in love to Love only hurts when one is in love.

Great piece Steve.

Buh4Bee
05-10-2011, 10:03 PM
These are great lines:
She didn’t see him as a man, but as a companion, at times a confidant, or a play-mate. Always a good friend, nothing more.

She preached spirituality. He spoke only of the flesh. Their two worlds were doomed never to meet.

Her hair was up, but where it met her shoulders, soft delicate curls wound down her pale neck. His consciousness; lost in the loops of her hair.

If you could write at this level more consistently, the piece would be great. I like the concept of the scene and the easiness of the flow that makes your writing so easy to love to read. I agree with Delta about the ending. It's cute, but it needs to be crafted better.

Buh4Bee
05-10-2011, 10:04 PM
These are great lines:
She didn’t see him as a man, but as a companion, at times a confidant, or a play-mate. Always a good friend, nothing more.

She preached spirituality. He spoke only of the flesh. Their two worlds were doomed never to meet.

Her hair was up, but where it met her shoulders, soft delicate curls wound down her pale neck. His consciousness; lost in the loops of her hair.

If you could write at this level more consistently, the piece would be great. I like the concept of the scene and the easiness of the flow that makes your writing so easy to love to read. I agree with Delta about the ending. It's cute, but it needs to be crafted better.

hillwalker
05-11-2011, 05:55 AM
I loved the descriptive passages and the subtle contrast between the two lives.

The last line was a bit too smart - it left me doubting that a young boy (who is suddenly revealed as the narrator) would tell his tale so well. An interesting switch of perspective that doesn't work as well as it might.

H

Steven Hunley
05-11-2011, 09:02 PM
Gee, I wish I could write at this level consistantly! Maybe it was just a flash in the pan anyway. But to address the two issues made:

1. He was a boy when it happened, but he's writing it when he's a man!

2. I've tossed an turned over the phrasing of "Love hurts when only one's in love" really I have. For two nights now! Really! But I got a problem here.

They're not actually my words. No they're aren't! They're Rick Springfield's words. (Sorry Rick, had to tell!)

They're from his song "Don't talk to Strangers."


And on accounta respect for Rick, understand this is a "RESPECT" issue between two men, I have to leave them absolutely the same. I can't rearrange them! No I can't.

Thought I get back to you on these two issues.