Mr Gray

[Wendy M]

He walks in darkness, by the light
On lonely paths under cloudy skies
Cruel vice and sins, merciless night
Encompassing beauty, deepest eyes

He walks alleyways, without escape
His deadly curse will never free
Shadows follow dark slender shape
Lovers unaware of their demise

[Delta40]

The Grim Reaper? The last line on S2 sticks out since it doesn't rhyme as did the rest. I'd suggest you do some line swapping to help it read smoother, such as below but I do get the impression that you may be bound to the beat and rhyme of the piece which compels you to be so economic with the words and as a result, the effect is lost. An example would be the last two lines below, which don't read quite as well.

On lonely paths under cloudy skies
He walks in darkness, by the light
Encompassing beauty, deepest eyes
Cruel vice and sins, merciless night

[hillwalker]

I agree with Delta that somewhere along the line much of the sense of the piece has been sacrificed in order to maintain some sense of rhyme. There are too many ungrammatical expressions in the second couplets of each verse to salvage it as it stands.

The way it begins one expects a regular rhythm to carry it along - but if you read this out aloud you'll see the beat stumbles after that opening line.

All in all it looks a rather hurried attempt and could do with a rethink.

H

[Wendy M]

Thank you Hillwalker and Delta....I agree with everything you both say, I just wanted to try it and get criticism to see where I went wrong, seems I should scrap the whole thing! Nevermind, all trial and error along the path of learning......thank you for your honesty, what I love about this place..straight to the point! thank you both :0

[Wendy M]

It is true though, when I try to rhyme I lose the whole structure and image.....I think I will forget rhyme just now, will take time..

[Delta40]

I seldom rhyme when writing poems Wendy if you care to look at mine. Some people on Lit-net are (I think) natural and the sort of poetry they pen benefits from rhyming but alot of pieces lose their force because of it. You have a great outlook toward learning so next foot in front of the other!

[Buh4Bee]

I think you have gotten good feedback. I read this several times and felt that it almost worked, but it was unbalanced. I think Hill and Delta expressed why quite well.

[IceM]

I think a dictionary--I always write with one--would best serve you if you're going for meter. How one pronounces words and how they're correctly pronounced are, on occasions, completely different, and the assumption that they may be similar may derail meter, as it did here on a few of your lines.

All in all, perhaps a re-writing would be better served. Seldom compromise word use for meter, as it slowly deadens the efficiency of what you wanted to say, unless a natural substitute follows.

[YesNo]

I didn't understand who Mr Gray was. Was he death or a serial killer? Also why was he specifically after "lovers"? But perhaps lovers were introduced as people opposite in character to Mr Gray.

Regarding rhyme, I think meter is more important than rhyme (or alliteration), but meaning is more important that meter, which is just one technique used to communicate the idea you want the reader to understand.

Best wishes.

[Wendy M]

Ohhhh! Yes I agree totally! thank you for taking the time to comment, all very constructive :)