Thoughts...

[Wendy M]

Those days

Back in school
When life was not good

I choose to forget
And other times reflect
We become despondent, sad
But life moves on

Looking back
There were times
80’s could be a diversion
Disco’s with huge synthesizers
Punk, hard rockers
Teenagers all naive
Hopeful, of all their dreams
Of future years
Not so sure of what life
Has planned for them

There were times
Teachers, some grumpy
Some quite funny
But always serious

Mrs Summberbee she
A very eccentric lady
Lunacy of her
At times she was funny
But of course
I was always her prime target
The one to ridicule
In front of the whole class

When you are older
You find yourself reminiscing
Realise the stupidity
Of all the nonsense
Of growing up
Sufferings of school life
The absurdities

Why do we attentively
Continue to observe
Such sufferings
Our past life
Why don’t we just
Move on
Enjoy what life is left

Why do we?
Is it because our hearts
Our memories
Will not allow us to forget
All that we do in life

What Matters
Is that these memories
Are what shape us
Into the person
That we are today

Unfortunately
We cannot escape turmoil
Or past shadows
But we can stop
The hopelessness of it all
By accepting
The past is part of us
It affects all aspects of our life
So we can choose to let it
Either rule us or not

If you have faith
You can find the strength
To mold your life into
Something beautiful
If you are willing
You can use this
Strength
To help others
Give generously
Your heart

Our future
Our loves in life
Our accomplishments
Our kindness
Family and friends
Is what allows
To overcome
Such turmoil of past

Love is there for everyone
Hope keeps us alive
Life is all we have
Precious moments
Are what count.

[Delta40]

Those days

Back in school
When life was not good

I choose to forget
And other times reflect
We become despondent, sad
But life moves on

Looking back
There were times
80’s could be a diversion
Disco’s with huge synthesizers
Punk, hard rockers
Teenagers all naive
Hopeful, of all their dreams
Of future years
Not so sure of what life
Has planned for them

There were times
Teachers, some grumpy
Some quite funny
But always serious

Mrs Summberbee she
A very eccentric lady
Lunacy of her
At times she was funny
But of course
I was always her prime target
The one to ridicule
In front of the whole class

When you are older
You find yourself reminiscing
Realise the stupidity
Of all the nonsense
Of growing up
Sufferings of school life
The absurdities

Why do we attentively
Continue to observe
Such sufferings
Our past life
Why don’t we just
Move on
Enjoy what life is left

Why do we?
Is it because our hearts
Our memories
Will not allow us to forget
All that we do in life


I think with a bit of tweaking -there are some lines that seem to have words missing and the past gets mixed with present tense, this could read quite well. Frankly, I would finish on S9. I say this because as a poet, strive to allow the reader to feel/ponder the reflective thoughts of your piece and arrive at such wisdom by themselves rather than you spelling it out to them as if they had missed the point you set out to make. It detracts from the initial force of your poem IMHO

[Wendy M]

Thank you so much Delta40.....This was my reason for posting for critique, as the last two stanza I thought were not right, but I posted it anyway, needed feedback to give me an idea of where I lost it! I will take a good look at it and re-post once I have edited it and proof read it ....

so pleased for your critique, it has given me the advice I was looking for, thank's again...

[hillwalker]

I agree with Delta that this would work better if you could condense some of these thoughts into shorter, more incisive sound bites rather than full blown descriptive passages of your schooldays.

There's some good and some not so good. It was as if you were afraid to leave anything out because all your memories are obviously relevant to you. It's more a case of showing something the reader might be less familiar with -and making it familiar.

And philosophising - asking why we reminisce and the like. It's better if you leave it to the reader to come up with such questions as an after-effect of reading your poetry rather than putting the thought so directly into their heads.

I'm sensing a lot of enthusiasm and eagerness to explore life within your writing. But sometimes you need to hold back; employ a little more subtlety so the readers are given space to play their own role in the poem. If that makes sense?

Keep at it though - it can become a bumpy journey but we're all on the same road.

H

[Wendy M]

I agree totally Hillwalker, one of my reasons for posting was to receive advice and constructive critique, and thank you kindly you have given me the ideas of how to break it up and re-write it. I will work on it in the next day or so and make it less preachy, I sould like I am dictating, and unreadable! Yes I agree I was trying a little to much, need to hold back a little like you suggest, it makes perfect sense! and thank you so much for taking the time to read and construct some advice and tips for me.

I am keeping at it! Never give up!

Thank you again

WM