frayed

[Jaked]

[frayed]

Frayed, ash colored path
unwinds before the summit,
always just beyond
the next rise until: surprise!
There's no place to go but down.
We smile, hug, take pictures, bask
in the joy of our labor;
past garnet cheeks fade
to rose colored glass
before we have set
foot to the second half of the
frayed, ash colored path.


[Context: this poem was inspired by a game a friend and I used to play to help inspire each other. The object was to start a poem with a line that we liked from a poem the other had written. Thus, "frayed, ash colored path" was a line in one of her poems that jumped out at me. So I started a poem with it and took it where it led. Enjoy!]

jake

[hillwalker]

I enjoyed this - the pleasure you feel when reaching the end of an arduous, uphill path.

You might reconsider the line

There's no place to go but down.

because it seems to convey a negative emotion when we both know it's not meant to.

But it's a fair effort.

H

[Delta40]

I didn't find anything negative especially as I'm approaching the crest (or am I going down now but am too joyous still to notice? Omg! You've got me thinking now....) Anyway, I liked it this context very much.

[IceM]

Nor did I find anything negative in the descent. The line was okay in capturing the thrill of that moment, but I'd challenge you to find something more fitting for that moment.

Similarly, I didn't feel you captured the satisfaction of reaching the summit enough. The thrill almost feels short-lived. Beyond that, it's a decent poem, one whose celebrations probably deserve an extension of detail.