Memory: The Two Edged Sword

[Pendragon]

Deleted: I saved no copy of this poem so it is really and truly gone...

[Jack of Hearts]

The poem suffers from an unkind and forced rhyme scheme which at parts comes at the expense of content. The content itself was a bit superficial which blends poorly with the manner presented that suggests the work takes itself too seriously.

There was a sense of fleetness, a rapidity to the reading that you may have been trying for.





J

[Pendragon]

Deleted

[Cunninglinguist]

The poem seems at least initially inspired by Dante's journey through the Earthly Paradise in Purgatorio. Or was the the tradition that the waters of Lethe made one forget one's past sins installed prior to Dante? Moreover, "freeze dry" also seems like an allusion to Dante's Purgatorio, and perhaps the title to the sword of Beatrice (and, by association, Jesus). There's at least one allusion to the Gospel According to Mathew, too ... Mathew 26:41 ... I can't tell if it's intentional or not.

I agree with Jack here, though. The rhyme and (more importantly) the rhythm* are lazy; to this reader it's sloven to the point of distracting.

*edited

[Sano]

The poem seems at least initially inspired by Dante's journey through the Earthly Paradise in Purgatorio. Or was the the tradition that the waters of Lethe made one forget one's past sins installed prior to Dante?

It comes from Ancient Greece.

As for the poem itself... I think the beginning was very interesting, but the 3 last stanzas were overextending a simple concept. Perhaps if you used a different rhyme scheme instead of ABAB it would freshen up the later half?

[Cunninglinguist]

It comes from Ancient Greece.

In retrospect, I don't know how that escaped me.

[IceM]

I actually didn't find the meter too bad. There were some misplaced stresses in some of your lines, which is just a little off-putting. Overall, I found the meter to be nice. Perhaps not totally artistic, but nice nonetheless.

I do agree with Sano, the first three stanzas seemed well-written. I, too, was disappointed with the latter three stanzas. The images and ability to connect to your reader are offset by more obvious cliche in the latter three stanzas--(Sunny and breezy, foul cycle). Also too, "bad thoughts," "gotta," etc. are all poor image choices that diminish the quality of your beginning.

It'd be fair to say your poem is alright. The ending is sloppy, and your poem is filled with abstractions (something a few posters on here are teaching me to stray away from). Aside from a few images (perhaps of Lethe), your poem deals with abstractions, which appeals to younger readers trying to ascertain meaning--of virtue and life in general--but doesn't bode well in more studious readings.

Best of luck with the poem.

[hillwalker]

I'm not sure how metre can be 'nice' - it's either consistent, or appropriate for the context of the poem, or irregular/non-existent.

In this case the rather jaunty beat introduced from the opening line is more fitting for a humorous piece than one contemplating painful memories.

'they sound so inviting' is a weak expression that suggests a visit to a sauna rather than a decision to seek oblivion, which is why the poem does not work as well as the writer intended.

The past promises pain and it's not exciting - again any intention to paint the poem in darker tones is ruined by the underlined phrase.


No forced rhyme here.

I don't believe you. Why otherwise would one choose two such weak expressions? - exciting??? - presumably you can only have selected that particular adjective because it rhymed.

Such a sloppy choice of words destroys any sense of regret or sorrow implied by the subject matter - they're ineffective and rather lazy.

As for needing to 'live in the writer's shoes' to understand the poem... surely it's the writer's duty to place the reader there by the skill of his writing, not expect it as a requirement if the poem is to work the way it was intended.

I actually thought V3 was the stand-out - in that the rhyme and metre were spot-on and the language and style genuine enough for the message to hit home.

But there's still work to be done to salvage the rest of it. For example, using 'so' three times in V4 is almost a crime against poetry.

H

[Pendragon]

Deleted

[Pendragon]

Deleted

[Delta40]

Good luck in your writing Pendragon.

[hillwalker]

I don't bite.

I gave what I considered an honest critique of a poem that was posted on here for us all to read and comment on. I was not alone in finding the piece cliche-ridden and the metaphor cumbersome. It just did not work the way it was intended.

And it's not a case of pleasing anyone - it's a case of presenting thoughts in a new or original way.

If you were depressed when you wrote this poem I'm guessing that you failed somehow to impart that feeling to your readers (assuming that was your intention). Not that knowing the fact now by way of your postscript in any way exonerates the way it was written.

H

H

[AuntShecky]

Ah, hell, if you try to please all, you please none.

Goodbye Litnet, it's been real. Think of me now and again. Farewell

For what it's worth, dear Pen: all my life I've been reading/hearing writers say that they write to please themselves. It's just like the lyrics in this old song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uAHR7_VZdRw). Strangely enough, the more you strive to write to please yourself, more often than not others will be pleased as well.

Don't leave.