A Weekend

[Alexander III]

This is not the full short story per se, rather it is more of a shortened outline. With the responses I recive I hope to be able to expand the story and flesh it out proper. Read this like an initial sketch of the painting I am looking to create.

[Bluehound]

Hmm, I like some of the imagery in here and I know that you have the skills to create an interesting fleshed out item, as I have read some of your other work and like it.
But is it a story? Maybe I am being old fashioned or missing the point, but something unusual usually happens in a story. I have had nights like this but they are only stories for me and the friends that shared them..."do you remember that night when x happened?"
If you are offering it as a setting for a story it is great, like I said the imagery is good and the last line I think is brilliant.

[Alexander III]

Thanks for the comment blue, and for appreciating my little tid-bits on the site. As you put it this is more a setting for the story, or rather a preliminary sketch of what the story will be, where I shall take this and expand creating it into a full formed story. I quite liked the last line to and intend to make it the last line of the story as well. As always thanks for your opinions :)

[hillwalker]

I also like the closing line - but reading this I'm conscious you may have never actually set foot in London (based on your rather stereotypical version of what Soho was like in the 60's).

I remember being taken on a 'field trip' there one Sunday morning in 1969 by our 'Human Geography' lecturer and for two hours he took us from one grotty flat to the next pointing out the names on the doorbells. Fifi, Janis, Ingrid. Then we watched the pavement hostesses sitting on their porches waiting for some action. You get the message.
So Brothels? I think not.
Lester Square - try Leicester Square.
Closing time in a lap dancing bar? Do they actually have closing times?

The background activity is vivid enough to become part of a story - but as it stands it's a made-up diary entry based more on in-your-dreams fantasy than fact.

H

[Alexander III]

Thanks for the comments, hill, but I think it is you who has not been to Soho in a long time. As this is roughly a description of my last weekend, trust me Soho is very much alive, I remember each time I go there I always get propositioned by male prostitutes as well.

But you are right that I spelt Leicester square wrong.

[hillwalker]

This is roughly a description of my last weekend, trust me Soho is very much alive, I remember each time I go there I always get propositioned by male prostitutes as well.

Apologies - I was mainly perplexed by your mentioning the existence of brothels since I assumed most of the propositioning is still freelance - or done through the slightly less obvious medium of clubs and bars.

And even in my day I don't think £30 would have got you far.

H :-)

[Jack of Hearts]

It was interesting enough to keep reading but it's more of a list of actions than descriptive writing. Then you tack on the final line and though it's a good one it's overly ornamental by comparison.

As for Mr. H L Walker's comment, times are tough. $15 USD, but this reader won't go any cheaper.




J

[Alexander III]

It was interesting enough to keep reading but it's more of a list of actions than descriptive writing. Then you tack on the final line and though it's a good one it's overly ornamental by comparison.

As for Mr. H L Walker's comment, times are tough. $15 USD, but this reader won't go any cheaper.




J


I do see your point about the distinct contrast between the last line and the rest which may make it seem affected. Thanks for that, I didn't think of it before in that way.

Ohh and as for 30 pounds for a 40 minute ride - yea we were all amazed at the cheapness of it. Thats why we did it, most of us aren't whoremongers, or rather habitual whoremongers, but at a price that low it's darn hard to say no.

[Buh4Bee]

I suppose what strikes me most about this sketch is how the sequence of events build on one another. It moves from the club, to the casino, to the strip joint, and finally ending at the brothel. There are drugs, gambling, and prostitution- some of the most empty and pleasurable experiences. There is a great joy or satisfaction at the end of the night. The story needs a conflict- what's the driving force into the night? Why so much satisfaction? Wouldn't one be somewhat depressed after such an intense night? Tired, worn? Just my thoughts.

[Delta40]

the conflict? Will I get more than I bargain for since it's only 30 quid.....lol

[Buh4Bee]

Hahaha! You are probably right.

[libernaut]

it is very "matter of fact" and minimalistic. I like it. Would like to see where it is going. Might consider adding some dialogue to develop characters further down the line. It is a great start. Definitely consider that in a short story something needs to be "at stake" because if the stakes arent high, why are we reading it at all? Very simply put and great detail at the same time. Good job.