May My Way (A Collection)

[Jack of Hearts]

Please consider the fact that sometimes this can be a *very* busy section of the forums.

Everybody wants their poems read.

To be fair to others, if you are going to post more than one of your poems on the same day post them in the same thread.

Do not start a *new* thread for every single poem. It is not fair to others who also want their poems read.


May My Way
A Collection






1. Corpus

Here’s a fork and hungry knife
and minty floss for sawing teeth.
And here’s a neck and here’s a chest
if tastebuds want another piece.

It’s gonna cost you.
You’re gonna bleed.
We call this rule economy.

[Jack of Hearts]

2. Dusk

And now, burning free,
a stale summer breathes in your face.
The sun sinks rust-iron red while
laying daylight to waste.

Scared, spend tears on an evening
who’s day has proven too cruel.
You mother cries for your spirit and
everybody is mocking the fool.
See in tomorrow's edition,
another one eaten by flames.
It always was your youth to burn,
laying daylight to waste.

[hillwalker]

I enjoyed the rather macabre jauntiness of Corpus though I can't say I understood what lies behind it.

Dusk worked much better for me - particularly the breath of stale summer and rust-iron red sun. Again there were elements of it that passed over my head - the appearance of the mother and the fool - but it was a worthwhile read.

H

[AuntShecky]

It's a great idea to put all of your poems in one thread. This, as you astutely began your thread,
is the LitNet's suggestion, and one that yours fooly
has been advocating for a year or two. This way it helps to chart one's progress and secondly, it's a heck of a lot easier to find previous pieces when they haven't been scattered all over the forums.
(Every time you add a new piece or someone "replies" the thread automatically gets
"bumped" to the top of the "New Posts" thread.)

Here's my "take" on your inital offerings:

I don't get the first one, unless it really is a satirical metaphor on "The" Economy -- just like a hunk of meat, everybody wants a piece of it.

The thought behind your second piece does seem to be food for a lyric, but it needs a little editing and revision. Here's where you really should go for "economy": pare it down. For instance, I'd choose "rust" or "red," but not both. Go for
the more virile form of the verb: "mocks" instead of "is mocking" unless there is a pressing reason for the progressive participle.

Also, don't forget to proofread. In line 6 you've got the wrong "whose." And you're missing the "r" in "your."

Otherwise, both verses are valiant efforts.
This thread is off to a good start.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thank you both. The poems aren't quite 'there' yet in terms of quality, but the writer is working on it and trying to gain momentum as well. As bland as they might read, they're little experiments.

'Corpus' refers to both a human body and a written body of work.




J

[Delta40]

I like Corpus, although it makes me think of dental floss for some reason...

[Jack of Hearts]

3. Meet Cute

Sometimes, when your leading man
trips over his left shoestring
and you don't get your kiss in the rain

Or late to the airport
alone and staring through the window
at the sun-stricken tail of a plane

When the dogs at the park get entangled
and the lad with the leash don't like dames

That scrawl on the bathroom wall
is my name
Til you fill the next role, know
my name.

[AuntShecky]

Everything in the verse depicts its perfect title!

"Meet Cute" could be a verse profile of Tom Hanks, who said his strongest ambition was never again to make another movie in which his character trips over a lawn chair.

The closing lines are ponderous, I have to think about them some more.

[Jack of Hearts]

4. Untitled (June 2010)

It looks like play
because it's fun
like the dirt-field games
of little ones.
It seems so simple,
done with ease.
It comes so natural
it's a breeze.
It's done so easy,
you can tell...
It's done easy and
it's done well.

[Jack of Hearts]

5. Stick With Me

Sorry about that call last night,
I know I'm out of line.
It's like there's musk-scent in the air
and beavers on my mind.

Ok, bad metaphor.

I called at 3am last night
'cause I was wrecking kleenex.
Is a person licking cream cheese spoonfuls
an image you can respect?

Me neither.

I was crying 'cause my glasses broke,
now held in place by tape.
And I'm so old and all alone
and I'd eaten half a cake.

Boston Creme, incidentally.

Also,
My shoe's untied, I'm pigeon toed
I make far less than what I owe.
I ruined your birthday by dropping the cake
and lost my swimsuit in the lake
at that party, too.

But you love me like a collie,
you know this to be true.
I know you know I know you do.
'Cause when I rang at 3am,
answered incredible you.

I know you have caller ID and
answered incredible you.

[Jack of Hearts]

6. Her Body

The way she dances-
listen to me-
the way she dances
sucks the air right through my teeth.
I see the notch in every rib,
I see the way she breathes.

God made it for himself.

How could a body be so sleek;
it twists and turns in feuding motion
with no master to appease.
She moves herself the way she wants
and draws saliva out of me.
I am a feuding beast.

Her feastful flesh, her offered breasts
her back arched in delight...
A curled lip, but no look,
her image haunts your nights.

The body, smoke, the red light,
the ghost that haunts your nights.

[hillwalker]

Untitled - I liked the first four lines and felt this might be going somewhere else, but then it descended rather abruptly into banality (rhyme-driven by the look of it)

Similarly Stick With Me showed promise - the form and half-rhymes in particular - but by v3 I got the sense that the need to maintain rhyme had driven you to come up with certain lines rather than an exploration of metaphor and context.

Her Body signals a return to poetry. The best of this bunch by far.

H

[Jerrybaldy]

Dear Jack
I like to read your stuff, but now I have six to review. Dont buy into that single thread stuff, it doesnt work. When you post something new people have no idea if it is a new comment or a new poem, lots will get missed, don't believe the hype. If you dont believe me consider this... is there a Hill or Prince single thread? Or consider how few responses you have above compared to these pieces posted apart. I have no axe to grind, just my thoughts to a fellow writer
cheers
JB

[jajdude]

Good to see ya Jack.

[Jack of Hearts]

7. Salt Storm

It's a salt storm,
white useless specks
pelting and mixing
in the silky dirt,
swirls of silky dirt.
Good men kerchief their faces and
hunker down in ruined earth.

There's no fraternity in silhouettes,
just barren spectres and wailed regrets.

In them the earth was pale and salted.

[hillwalker]

I can taste the bitter sandstorm behind this one, Jack.

H

[Delta40]

I'm not one for continuous threads either. I like Stick with me due to the double entendre but it somehow loses its force by the end. Salt storm very economic and effective.

[Jack of Hearts]

8. Explaining These Things

'Going out of my mind'
is when the inside
of your head is pressed
because the 'self' is thrown
against the walls trying
to get away.

Mostly, the 'self' flees from
shattered dreams because
jagged edged future
cuts it deeply, leaves it weeping.

Heartbreak is
the muscles in the chest clenching
so tightly that it
shreds the flesh,
splits open-

- a defense mechanism-
the 'self' has one escape,
it spills out in blood
forever.

I'm going out of my mind
with heartbreak.

[Jack of Hearts]

9. We the Dead and Dying

The image in our hearts froze clear and sharp.
It grew until it cut our insides.
We grabbed our chests, doubled over
in ways no one could see.
We wrenched our necks
and broke our throats;
we howled in agony.

Serenaded to sleep by the sound of a hinge
swinging in, swinging in,
and never to be opened again;
the space in our hearts
never opened again.

[hillwalker]

Explaining these things reads more like a Wikipedia entry on 'Heartache' rather than a poem - I didn't get that you as the narrator were going out of your mind.

It came across as a rather cold, emotionally distant observation from the sidelines.

No. 9 I prefer the second stanza to the first. The images in the first are rather difficult to come to grips with - a little too melodramatic?

H

[Alexander III]

9. We the Dead and Dying

The image in our hearts froze clear and sharp.
It grew until it cut our insides.
We grabbed our chests, doubled over
in ways no one could see.
We wrenched our necks
and broke our throats;
we howled in agony.

Serenaded to sleep by the sound of a hinge
swinging in, swinging in,
and never to be opened again;
the space in our hearts
never opened again.

I like this one, there is a sadness to it which is done quite well. My only objection would be to remove the rhyme between "see" and "agony" I think that rhyme hinders the poem.

[Jack of Hearts]

10. A Window in May

The gardenias started swaying.
A breeze slow-sighed through,
singing petals to a window,
where elbows rested on the sill.

Cool traces over skin,
and for one breath deal a turn
to a tyrant, the angry sun,
too far from human touch,
that rein that never held.

[Jack of Hearts]

11. Out with the Old

And now it's over,
the top down and the fenders shining.
There's tin cans tied to the bumper,
strung along but not driving.
There's an old leather shoe by the side of the road,
the sole pulled up,
cracked, water stained and useless.
Cast out the window and useless.

[hillwalker]

Two quite different pieces - one reflecting on an early summer's day, the other recording the breakdown of a relationship.

They are both very effective - but I found 'slow-sighed' a little awkward. On its own this is a wonderful word match but it didn't fit well in the line meter-wise.

Similarly I found the double use of 'useless' at the close of the second piece rather underwhelming, though I'm assuming it was repeated this way for effect.

H

[Bar22do]

I think they are two excellent pieces, Jack of Hearts, effective and deeply moving. Agree with Hill regarding "slow-sighed", but like the repetition. Best to you and thanks, Bar

[Jack of Hearts]

Thank you all for reading. At parts this work is rough but the writer has the scent, now. A little more hound doggin' and we'll get there.





J

[Jack of Hearts]

12. Something Cries

Something cries.
Something claws itself in,
tender grounding,
mourns in depths unseen.

Here I am, it screams.

Something cries.
Not with air to move through throat;
a breath of time pushes out,
burning the world away.

And when it looks out,
something cries.

[jajdude]

Jack, you talented son of a ===

lend me some of that juice you been drinkin

[Bar22do]

I was going to say the same. This is solid and just complete. Stunning.

[Hawkman]

Yup, I have to agree - good one. H

[Jack of Hearts]

13. The Image of Myself

The image of myself, steely irises cutting light
through the darkness.
Ink strike symmetry, the sharp edge of a flowing pen;
eyes painted wide, wild mane sprawled as shadows
that consume all visage.

I saw the image of myself in the darkness,
not familiarly,
but like faces in cathedrals' sharp edges
where claws wrapped and suffering
was held downward, upon the earth.

The image of myself held their suffering downward,
upon the earth.

[AuntShecky]

13. The Image of Myself

The image of myself, steely irises cutting light
through the darkness.
Ink strike symmetry, the sharp edge of a flowing pen;
eyes painted wide, wild mane sprawled as shadows
that consume all visage.

I saw the image of myself in the darkness,
not familiarly,
but like faces in cathedrals' sharp edges
where claws wrapped and suffering
was held downward, upon the earth.

The image of myself held their suffering downward,
upon the earth.


Heartfelt, but a tad abstract, viz, it's difficult to picture "suffering downward," especially since the visage in the opening stanza ("strophe") mentions "mane" which is usually located on top.

Since the speaker is talking about "images" there should be more of them, specific ones that the readers can see, taste, hear, feel
This one is effective:

like faces in cathedrals' sharp edges

but I don't know if "claws" naturally follow. If these claws refer to gargoyles, the sculpted creatures have no previous precedent(s) in the poem.

By the way, there are errors in S/V agreement in these lines:

Ink strike symmetry

claws wrapped and suffering
was held downward, upon the earth.

"Edge" is the image to clarify and expand upon, but expressed in a way that the reader can perceive through the aforementioned senses.

Good try, though.