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deltagirl06
05-04-2011, 09:31 PM
She, like any other girl always dreamed of growing up. Countless hours spent in her tree house, imagining and fantasizing almost became a script for how her life was to play out. From the way she would tuck her kids into bed at night to the career she would one day have, she had thought if it all. She had conspired every single important day of her life, including the day that she would walk down the aisle into the arms of the man she would spend the rest of her life with. And she would literally glow with anticipation of the day this daydream would become a reality.


But everyone knows, too many expectations can only lead to disappointment. Carla knew that, at least now she did.



The same day Gregory had gotten down on one knee and asked her to be his wife, she’d made “the list”. “The list”, long and difficult, was everything that her wedding dress must be. Now this same list that she had written in such excitement had become such a burden. Carla’s eyes skimmed the list. White, no lace, silk, modern, strapless, formfitting, beading, no floral design whatsoever, short train, designer, and exclusively made for her. She sighed, after ten months of searching, absolutely no luck and a few weeks left until the wedding; all she could do was sigh. She folded up the list and stuck it back in her red patent leather handbag, hoping it just wouldn’t be there the next time she fished around for it.

The phone call was unexpected, so was the person on the other end, not to mention the topic of conversation. Seven AM on a Saturday morning, it was her mother’s lawyer, discussing her mother’s very near death.


“Ms. Nichols? This is attorney Edward Smith. Sorry to bother you so early on a weekend but Iris is very ill.” He dragged out the word “very”, it was definitely serious. “I’m going to need you to come to Calgary this weekend to sign some papers as you’re the only immediate family we could get a hold of. The costs will be covered by her insurance company.”

Carla bit her lip as she scribbled down the address. Calgary? Was that where she lived now? Last time she’d heard from her, she was living on Vancouver Island. But that was nearly 7 years ago. A lot can happen in 7 years, for Carla, a lot did. She shook the thoughts out of her head, groggily thanked Edward and hung up.

Seeing her mother so sick was difficult, but not seeing her at all for the past fifteen years was worse. Carla had always considered it a thing of the past something she had gotten over, something that no longer mattered. But seeing her mother, a mirrored image of herself in a hospital bed withering away, made it matter. Her mother cried, she cried. Her mother apologized, she hesitated. She knew that as soon as her mother heard the news of her wedding, she’d have a reason to apologize.

Carla sat by her mother’s bedside and they talked. She talked about everything, everything but the biggest thing in her life right now, the wedding. How in the world was she to tell her own mother that she had not been invited to her wedding? Luckily for Carla, she didn’t have to.

Her engagement ring was hard to miss, even for a seventy-something year old woman with weakening eyesight. The twinkling diamond danced even in the dull lighting of the hospital and caught Iris’s eye. Carla knew the quizzical look that came over her mother’s face; she blushed and sat on her hands.


“Are you getting married Carla May?” The tension was heavy, lingering in the air. Carla squeezed her eyes shut and exhaled.

But to her surprise, her mother wasn’t angry. All she wanted was Carla to go with Edward to her house and get a chest that was in her crawlspace, her own wedding chest. With shaking hands, Iris sorted through the items, mumbling a short explanation for each one. The only thing not in the chest was her wedding dress, she couldn’t remember where she’d put it. Regardless, her face glowed with recollection, she smiled, and it made Carla feel less guilty.

Iris passed away the next weekend. Carla had never thought her mother’s death would be difficult due to their disconnection. But just a week of rekindling their connection was enough to make it hurt. She didn’t cry, she felt like the tears were stuck somewhere along the way.

After the funeral, Carla gathered up her mother’s few belongings from the hospital, and decided to drop them off at her house, before she took her flight back to Vancouver. She went to place the chest back in the crawlspace and noticed it was a mess. She began moving things around a bit and found a garbage bag, inside it was something that had changed Iris’s life and it would change Carla’s as well, and she knew it would right away.

Carla looked beautiful at her wedding, absolutely breathtaking, everyone had said so. Her long brown hair cascaded in curls down her back, her face was flawless, muddy green eyes twinkling in the sunlight. And her dress was off-white, all lace, no silk, dated, long sleeved, too loose around her waist, with a floral design on the hem, and the longest train anyone had ever seen, made by her grandmother. Her mother’s wedding dress was everything that she hadn’t wanted. It was perfect.

hillwalker
05-05-2011, 06:08 AM
This is not the kind of story I would normally bother reading – a bit too girly – but I did and I quite enjoyed it. The twist at the end was a little predictable but you handled it well – especially right at the finish where it turned out to be exactly what she had wanted.

You managed to keep the story flowing – again I was expecting a lot of back-story based on the opening paragraph but you spared us the unimportant bits of Carla’s past.
The death of Iris was perhaps a little too swift but I can see why it needed to happen the way it did for the plot to stay on track.

My only criticism is the rather repetitive way you have written the story. There are occasions when perhaps you need to think of a different way of saying the same thing – inject a little variety. If you look at certain paragraphs the same words keep cropping up which distracts the reader from the actual story.

Para 1 – ‘day’ x 4 (plus daydream)

Para 3 – ‘list’ x 5

Para 6 – ‘seeing’ x 3

Ok- you've noticed that I’m a nitpicker – but repeating yourself like this is a sign of one of two things – you’re stuck for alternative words (which I doubt) or you’re duplicating elements of the story when there’s no need to.
This story could easily be trimmed back by about 10% to make it run more smoothly. Sometimes we spell out too much to our readers. We should allow them to fill some of the blanks in for themselves.

H

Delta40
05-06-2011, 01:18 AM
there CAN'T be another Delta on this forum......Arrrgh!

only joking. I really liked this story Deltagirl but I felt its pace was a little drawn out at the beginning but then speeds up at the interesting part - the mother daughter relationship to finding the wedding dress. Although a little predictable, I think it would be more enjoyable if you space it out more, develop the characters and have more dialogue.

Look forward to reading more.

deltagirl06
05-31-2011, 08:52 PM
thank you both!
constructive criticism is a writer's best friend :)