Sweet Surrender!

[Wendy M]

He came to her in moonlight
She caught his gaze, calming
And overwhelming sense of
Simplicity, of his gestures as

Though he was immersed in
Forbidden purity; Oh how
He bathed her, how she felt
Deliciously sweeter, delicately

Giving herself to him, madly
Delirious, her body an act of
The sweetest surrender; his
Breathe, floating so gently all

Over her; softly she sighs, his
Warmth like a kiss from his
Soul; she felt ready to be taken
Trembling; flows in sweet nectar

[Hawkman]

Sorry Wendy M, but this reads like an extract from a Mills and Boon bodice ripper that's been divided up into stanzas. You might want to check the grammar and punctuation as well.

Live and be well. H

[Wendy M]

Now how strange Hawkman....you are not by any chance on another forum of poetry are you.....because for one I do not even know who 'Mills and Boon' are and secondly you are ripping into my poems very viciously....

Now this is your opinion, you who are one poet, yes the punctuation needs addressing, but quite honestly, I think you are over severe and should take a look at your own poems.....

I have never read 'Mills and Boons'...not even my type of book.
Every person has their own idea of what imagery they put into poems
if you don't like my poems...then do not follows

it is simple

[hillwalker]

I'll admit I also find this rather too gushing to take seriously. Even Barbara Cartland would have blanched at this so don't be so hard on Hawk.

There's far too much going on to figure out what they're actually doing. It's a bit like love poetry on steroids.

Some of it works very well - the way you build up the scenario makes us feel the breathlessness of the pair as they finally kiss (?) but there are so many cliches and tired images that have been used time and time again. It doesn't really say anything new.

And you might consider doing away with the 4-lines to a verse format since this works better as a single 16-line poem.

H

[Wendy M]

Hillwalker.......I guess you are right in a sense, I was trying to hard and like you say, we have seen it time and time again! but.....some, do like this kind of poem, to be honest not myself! just thought I would try it at anothers request last week, but........I am more of a deep philosophical type of person and I hate romance novels, but I am a romantic and sensual woman, so Maybe it came from there.....but reading wise, I prefer a good biography and philosophichal deep poetry, quite hardy in fact! I see where you are coming from and will take your advice, but I do prefer to be honest to write in my own natural style and let the rest of it come in time, as it will, all those touches of meter and rhyme etc etc....It is all new for me and i need encouragment in the right areas and guidance with advice, critique......I apologise Hillwalker for flying off the handle like this, I am over sensitive by nature and have no confidence in my ability at all.......

If you wish to comment in future, please do so, but make sure it is helpful to my learning....
and Mills and ~Boon, until last night I had never heard of it.....
The only romantic stuff I have read is Pride and Prejudice and the classics....romantic cheap novels are really not my thing....
rather eat grass!

[hillwalker]

If you wish to comment in future, please do so, but make sure it is helpful to my learning....

That is what we always try to do on here. There's nothing wrong with sensual poetry - and there has been a fair amount of erotically charged material on display on these pages.
It's not the material that's at fault, it's the florid language..... as you seem to accept in hindsight.
I'm curious that you believe some readers like this kind of poem, and would be surprised to find you're right.

As for your natural style, stick with that by all means. It just seemed that here you were trying to write something to satisfy a third party's request and that your heart wasn't in it. Unless you're aiming to be the next poet laureate, writing something to order is rarely a good idea. Most of us write to please ourselves rather than someone else. Something personal to us motivates us to put pen to paper. If what we subsequently write is appreciated by other writers then that's a bonus.

H

[Delta40]

I think if we contrast this against the 'love song' of a rapper and his *****, we would get an insight into the world of differences between the perceptions of men and women!

[hillwalker]

You're right Delta - up to a point. But there have been quite a few erotically charged pieces on here written by women (SaraDrago for example) that didn't have me reaching for my smelling salts.

It's the kind of stuff advertisers used to believe every woman loves - selling 'Milk Tray' and 'Black Magic' by the container-load on the strength of their stereotypical view of what turns a woman on. Perhaps it's me that's misguided but I thought your gender had moved on (in the same way men have, naturally!) ?

H

[Delta40]

There is a difference between erotically charged pieces and romance. Wendy isn't writing on the same plane as Sarahdrago (nobody does). although I think this piece is a bit thick and sweet, it does have a certain appeal - especially when I'm bawling my eyes out, wallowing in my own loneliness with a supersize bar of chocolate. I would get more out of this poem than a Sarahdrago 'washing the silk folds of my underwear, brings me to orgasm' experience. I don't think there is a comparison between the two.

i blush at the thought that I read Rosemary Rogers 'Sweet Savage Love' as a teen and pined sickeningly!

romance is often bouquets of cliches. there are millions of mills & boons, silouhettes and harlequin romances. For a reason. Wendy has captured that, at least. Now pass me the milk tray...

[IceM]

I didn't find anything moving about the imagery and the linebreaks appeared awkward.

Just work with it.