Cartoons and Puppet Shows

[breathtest]

.....

[breathtest]

Comments would be appreciated as I hope to enter this into a competition next month.

[Bluehound]

I quite enjoyed this read, the characters are interesting and I can see some of my friends here. The one who smokes too much, the ones that slept together and think that no one else knows.
I enjoyed the little quirks and observations, the cheese, the swing set, Jan taking control of the remote.

But I must confess that after reading I was left wondering what it was really about. I don't think short stories have to have a beginning middle and end as such, but I tend to expect an event and a bit of a conclusion.
This is probably personal to me so feel free to disregard.

[breathtest]

Thanks Bluehound. I understand what you mean, although this was mainly a character development piece. I just began writing to see what would happen to the characters.

[Alexander III]

I quite liked it, one feels at ease and immediately immersed when reading. As usual of your writing the terse prose is well done and well crafted. I like the line about cheese at the end. But when talking about alex in the final paragraph you tell us to much, throughout the piece we sit and observe and through observation learn, by telling us things at the end instead of continuing to show us, some of the magic is lost. Also I think that for a piece like this the last line should have strong emotional power, which in your piece it seems to lack. Nonetheless well written as usual from you.

My suggestions were just some opinion of mine, I am by no means a great objective critic I just speak from what I like.

[Buh4Bee]

The character development is what stood out for me as a strength to the piece. These are characters that you may just be getting to know. I know characters are well developed when I start hating them and I really was annoyed by Jan. (She was irritating and pushy.) This is more like a scene than a short story. This is like an opening scene to a book. I didn't mind the ending. I think the cheese is symbolic of the monotony of the narrator's depressing life. I think a lot of writer's are out there currently are writing about the unfulfilling nature of life in the technological age. (Although, you make no reference to technology.)

[libernaut]

wow...

[breathtest]

Alexander III - I appreciate what you're saying. Perhaps i describe Alex too much at the end there. But i have to say that sometimes, an ending that seems to lack emotional power can be quite powerful. I learnt this from writers like Raymond Carver, whose writing a appreciate immensely.

Jersea - I'm glad you noticed the importance of the character development, because that's what this story was to me. I just wanted to see what i could do with the characters in a few thousand words. It was a nice experiment.

libernaut - I hope that is a good wow. Thanks for reading.

[libernaut]

yeah. its almost like an idle rant on some wild stuff. I love it tho, its like this distance it has to the subject matter. normally id say one would want to delve deeper into the "feeling" but the voice/perspective you've used really works here. and the dialogue is really great. high five.

[breathtest]

Thanks Libernaut I appreciate it