My Grand daddy!

[Wendy M]

My Grand daddy was a lovely old fellow
He smoked a pipe and played the cello
Musical he was, played a jolly old tune
Painted landscapes, all green and blue

A pin striped suit and brown Trilby hat
He went to church, always he was sat
On the pew, closest to the door, for he
Would never miss his bottle of brown

Stout or Irish mist! An Royal Air Force
Man he was, all smart and graceful
But lost his looks, most distasteful, fell
Out of an army lorry, should of took a horse!

He had nine kids, five girls, four boys, all
Sent to mass, not spoiled with toys, but
Brought up strict, no time to play, had to
Work and attend mass every Sunday!

He was a merry old boy, liked a tune
Usually a Celtic song or two! He enjoyed
A few drams, with friends at the pub
Always came home and got snubbed!

When he died, half the village came to
And celebrated! If only they knew, how
Chuffed he would be at the site of a dram!
For he my Grand daddy was a merry old man

[hillwalker]

Oops....

1) firstly sticking to a rhyme for part of the poem then giving up does this no favours. It means you write convoluted lines like

Musical he was, played a jolly old tune

Does anyone ever talk like that?

And then later on the end rhymes become internal rhymes or disappear completely.

2) your line breaks are bizarre. Why did you split stanzas 2 and 3 when 'brown stout' is obviously a single phrase?

This would read better without being broken into 4-line stanzas, and the line breaks would work best if based on normal speech patterns rather than on syllable counts (?) or an attempt at maintaining some semblance of rhyme.

I'm guessing you once read a poem somewhere and thought "That's how it's supposed to look". My advice would be to do away with rhyme - it's not essential. Just try to write the way you would speak when telling this tale. And... focus on what made the man special rather than giving us a pocket biography. He obviously meant a lot to you but it doesn't really come across in this poem.

H

[Wendy M]

Yes I agree with you there, I have tried rhyme and i do not like it much, it throws my balance and flow a little, I posted these two poems to point out what it was, that I was doing wrong, but I had noticed it myelf! Yes sometimes in different areas of the country, people tend to have their own way of speaking, depends on local dialect to! I appreciate all your comments, it is all postive to my learning, thank you once again! :)

[Wendy M]

Yes he meant a lot to me, but was also a bit of a cantankerous old devil!! Irish and proud! I will work on this tomorrow and make it have the feeling I wished for in the first place....I do prefer free verse to be honest...