Divine Blessings

[Wendy M]

In moonlit sky, stars shine so bright
Two lovers kiss in glow of night,
His hand meets softness of her cheek
Embrace in warmth of love so sweet;
Tender these moments, will they last
The test of time, or to disperse so fast?
If such passion were to last forever,
Perhaps loves young dream, keeps them together;
When two souls chance, finds divine fate
Epitome of innocence, welcomed at heaven’s gate;
Always will two hearts in pleasure, dance
Keeping all that’s wondrous, since first glance;
A love like this could never die,
Eternal blessings, in light of midnight sky,
The bond of love can never be broken!
His faithful, the sacrifice of words, unspoken
Of all gods blessings, marks forever peace
Until the day they lay the wreath.

[hillwalker]

The first four lines work well (though the bright/night rhyme has become over-used in this type of poem - and using the word 'so' to add a missing syllable twice in the same poem is a bit cheeky).
But then the rhythm loses its natural fluidity before finally disappearing off the page!

It's as if you had so much to impart that the metre no longer mattered.

I'm curious why in L5 you chose to use an archaic phrasing that disrupted the beat when - These tender moments, will they last - would have kept the beat regular for at least one more line. 'Tender' is normally pronounced with the stress on the first syllable - tender not tender.

It's incredibly difficult to write an original piece about something as abstract yet universal as love without coming over like a Hallmark greetings card. You don't reach that bottomless pit of mediocrity here, but this does get a little prosey particularly from lines 6 onwards and by the end you're just gushing.

And how many times have we heard/read the line A love like this could never die ?

Parts of this do need trimming back if you're to get your message across more clearly or manage to show us some element of romance or love or passion that we haven't come across before. It has potential but it needs a little rethink also in my opinion.

H

[Wendy M]

Well I am intrigued and happy to receive your strong critique, I must admit, I was hoping for this type of critque, firm but fair...It is the first time I have tried anything like this, so I do need practice and advice, I will take your advice and work at it, so thank you for your help here..:)

Wendy

[Wendy M]

That made me giggle...'A hallmark greetings card!'

[hillwalker]

thank you for your help here..:)

You're welcome.

Just an idea: to avoid the minefield of love poetry you might care to write about something a little more tangible; but something you obviously have first hand experience of.
You have mentioned elsewhere your love of times spent in the Alps. Would it be worth sharing those memories with us in verse?

H