Its a quiet street

[MLHForster]

I wrote this when I arrived back from Paris having stayed there for a few months, the apartment was a rather grim reality with no heating in winter-time, which was quite cold to say the least!

Its a quiet street

a boy walks down the street,
its a quiet street,
shops line both sides of the street,
the boy becomes uncertain why he has come into town,
he knows there is nothing here for him,
he wishes he had stayed at home,
its cold outside and he can feel it,
he wonders whether if he had stayed at home he would be warmer,
of this he is unsure.

a boy walks down the street,
its a quiet street,
shops line both sides of the street,
the boy becomes uncertain why he has come into town,
he knows there is nothing here for him,
he wishes he had stayed at home,
its cold outside and he can feel it,
he wonders whether if he had stayed at home he would be colder,
of this he is unsure.

a man walks down the street,
its a quiet street,
shops line both sides of the street,
the boy becomes uncertain why he has come into town,
he knows there is nothing here for him,
he wishes he had stayed at home,
its cold outside and he can feel it,
he wonders whether if he had stayed at home he would be warmer,
of this he is unsure.

a man walks down the street,
its a quiet street,
shops line both sides of the street,
the boy becomes uncertain why he has come into town,
he knows there is nothing here for him,
he wishes he had stayed at home,
its cold outside and he can feel it,
he wonders whether if he had stayed at home he would be colder,
of this he is unsure.

[Bar22do]

Obsessively repetitive (not in the most efficient way, I'm afraid), cold indeed and --- not so much Parisian, if at all! I think your poem would benefit from thorough trimming plus some elements proper to Paris (a street name, a monument, a metro entrance or whatever can indicate N is walking in Paris.
Would you consider revising? Anyway, I'd be happy to read more of your poetry (though perhaps only aftre my trip is over).
Very best regards,
Bar

[hillwalker]

This is more like an idea for a poem than a poem, if that makes sense. Describing a scene from the pov of a boy then a man; and with two contradictory outcomes in both instances. It all seemed rather pointless though.

And having 'street' appear at the end of the first 3 lines (in each stanza obviously) is just lazy writing. Unless it was intentional - in which case, why?

I agree with Bar - it needs an injection of life and spontaneity as well as judicious trimming.

H

[MLHForster]

I was trying and quite possibly failing, to produce a piece of work that was mundane in order to mimic the repetitious nature of a seemingly aimless and monotonous existence, and with this, how in ageing ones outlook and uncertainties surrounding some instances do not change all that much from that of being a young person. Apologies if you found this reply vague.

Regards

[Delta40]

In the last 2 Stanza's you still refer to the boy as if to suggest the man is still a boy. Is that your intention or is it an oversight?

[Buh4Bee]

This is probably something experimental that was not quite as effective as was hoped. Still good to try things and figure out your writing style/voice. I didn't find it a complete failure.

[IceM]

I don't find it a failure either, especially in that, with each "disappointment" (although you may not find this product a disappointment), you gain valuable insight as to improving your craft, and, especially, the work at hand.

When I first read this, I found the man's sight, with boy references, to be a bit sloppy. I get the intention, I don't think the execution was spot on. As an idea, it may work.

I think your idea, though, would be better served as an unmetered, shorter poem than an expansive work: unmetered because rhythm adds a spice to poetry: shorter in it's brevity of interest. You should perhaps look into that.

[hillwalker]

I understood your intentions - to be banal on purpose in order to convey how life can often be a cycle of ennui. Which is why I said the idea behind it was better than the final product. Perhaps it does need trimming back - or a slight reconfiguration. But it's not a failure so don't think otherwise.

H

[MLHForster]

Thank you everybody for your input(s), I shall take it back to the drawing board, so to speak, and have more of a think rather than allowing bursts of enthusiasm to take hold,

Regards,