Crevasse

[deryk]

Crevasse


Two adjacent cliffs


opposing rock to rock,
shelf to shelf.

At the top,


they are in remiss.


Only below the hips,





will they kiss.

[Jerrybaldy]

I would have to censor my scissor sister thoughts here.

[deryk]

I would have to censor my scissor sister thoughts here.

But May is self-indulgence month on Planet Earth!

Just ask the Romans.

[Jerrybaldy]

Then for the Romans and myself I read this as mutual lady pleasing but I am probably just an old perv .

[Delta40]

You know I would not have thought of it unless some old perv mentioned it but the poem definitely has an erotic quality to it.

[IceM]

I do appreciate the erotic nature of this poem, unfortunately I don't see much beyond it, unless eroticism was the only pursuit. If so, it succeeded. If not, sorry.

[deryk]

I do appreciate the erotic nature of this poem, unfortunately I don't see much beyond it, unless eroticism was the only pursuit. If so, it succeeded. If not, sorry.

It's only a glimpse of a landscape. It may not even qualify as erotic. It may not even exist.

Perhaps it needs a weepy mother at a funeral playing saxophone.

Or a dog that saves the day.

[IceM]

It's only a glimpse of a landscape. It may not even qualify as erotic. It may not even exist.

Perhaps it needs a weepy mother at a funeral playing saxophone.

Or a dog that saves the day.

When I read poetry, I read beyond the images being presented (at least, most times I try to--I'll read only for the images if, on a first read, the image is the only picture being presented). I'm suggesting in that regard, mainly in the erotic sense, it succeeded.

My comment that I don't see it succeeding beyond that isn't meant to diminish your work, but to suggest that I didn't see much beyond the poem aside from the image. Don't be offended (you might seem to be). I didn't mean to diminish you or the poem, just showing the limits of my appreciation.

I perhaps should have specified.

[deryk]

When I read poetry, I read beyond the images being presented (at least, most times I try to--I'll read only for the images if, on a first read, the image is the only picture being presented). I'm suggesting in that regard, mainly in the erotic sense, it succeeded.

My comment that I don't see it succeeding beyond that isn't meant to diminish your work, but to suggest that I didn't see much beyond the poem aside from the image. Don't be offended (you might seem to be). I didn't mean to diminish you or the poem, just showing the limits of my appreciation.

I perhaps should have specified.

Sorry about my retort. I thought you were accusing it of having no content.

I didn't place enough weight on the "remiss".

My intention was for it to be more of a launching point for underlying possibilities rather than a sexual ultimatum.

I read this as a relationship that has been reduced to sex over time.

But the writing became more of a snagged limb.

The eroticism is too "trapping". It overpowers the rest of the metaphor. That is my fault.

Sex will overtake broad daylight on these forums. I need to be more careful of that.

[Delta40]

Gosh Deryk I don't think your poetry is like you explain it. When Prince posts a poem, I'm conscious that I need to read and re-read it again because I take it for granted there are hidden meanings, subtle images and crumbs of self-reflection. I think your poetry has a similar demand. It can't be easily set to one side lest one thinks they have missed something important.

[deryk]

Gosh Deryk I don't think your poetry is like you explain it.

Hahah! It never is Delta. *Big Sigh*

Thank you for your astuteness as always, Delta. :)

[MorpheusSandman]

I like the suggestiveness here and the use of E.E. Cummings-like shape, although I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on why you shaped it this way. It's not that I disapprove, but rather I'm just not sure I can see how it adds to what's being stated/suggested. The only thing I can make out is that the lines are "almost" touching/parallel to each other, but not quite, until the end?

[deryk]

The only thing I can make out is that the lines are "almost" touching/parallel to each other, but not quite, until the end?

Bingo. I simply wanted it to inform the physicality of the shape of the narrative and of the subject. It was very visual for me, so I felt it needed a further visual inflection to reflect my experience.

Thank you for commenting, MS.

[Wendy M]

deryk....I like your imagery here of a crevasse, it is something that I have witnessed on the glaciers of the french alps, take me back to times of my life where I found solace....I feel the sense of this, but I am to much of an amateur to comment further on structure and meter etc....but in time i will make constructive criticisms here! Nice work..

[deryk]

deryk....I like your imagery here of a crevasse, it is something that I have witnessed on the glaciers of the french alps, take me back to times of my life where I found solace....I feel the sense of this, but I am to much of an amateur to comment further on structure and meter etc....but in time i will make constructive criticisms here! Nice work..

Thank you for your comments Wendy, I'm glad you were able to relate it to the natural beauty of your journeys!

[AuntShecky]

I didn't see any erotic elements in this at all, Deryk. What? From the innocuous word, "kiss"?

This piece succeeds very well as a nature study, expressed in simple and concise terms. Its most effective element is the arrangement of the lines -- they draw a "picture," so to speak. In this way your piece is a "concrete" poem (which is what we call modern poems that do this, or a "pattern" poem, such as George Herbert's "Easter Wings" (http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/herbert/wings.htm) from the early 17th c. (Turn your head sideways to look at it.)

When writing "free verse" we voluntarily give up the "tools" we use in formal verse, such as meter and rhyme. One of the tools we retain is creative use of line breaks, which this posting employs to great effect.

[deryk]

I didn't see any erotic elements in this at all, Deryk. What? From the innocuous word, "kiss"?

This piece succeeds very well as a nature study, expressed in simple and concise terms. Its most effective element is the arrangement of the lines -- they draw a "picture," so to speak. In this way your piece is a "concrete" poem (which is what we call modern poems that do this, or a "pattern" poem, such as George Herbert's "Easter Wings" (http://www.luminarium.org/sevenlit/herbert/wings.htm) from the early 17th c. (Turn your head sideways to look at it.)

When writing "free verse" we voluntarily give up the "tools" we use in formal verse, such as meter and rhyme. One of the tools we retain is creative use of line breaks, which this posting employs to great effect.

Thank you for your insight AuntShecky!

I admit I did have a "concrete" poem in mind when mentally scaffolding this image. I enjoyed "Easter Wings".

I also must admit, that I did try to sensualize the subject, although I didn't have anything explicitly sexual in mind. Specifically, I was hung up on whether or not to exchange the word "hips".

Thanks for the read!

[Jerrybaldy]

Aunty is a respected member but your poem could be no more suggestive unless it was entitled twinlabia :D

[Wendy M]

Your welcome,

[Bar22do]

Special and inviting to dig more into it! I wonder how you achieved the layout, in addition to the good content and poetry job you did here!
bar

[deryk]

Thank you kindly, bar. :)

[Wendy M]

Yes I did thank you deryk...
Always a place where I find solitude is on top of the mountains in view of Glaciers and Crevasse....:)