Nine Day Bender

[Pitchblack]

Fog's gettin' thick. Kind'a like when that cool September air used to blow in over the warm water outside granddads cottage. It's weird 'cause you can feel it comin', yet it don't register 'till your half-a$$ed blind' strainin' to make out the old dock lights that'll guide you to the safety of that faded blue boat house. Can't rightly say that it sneaks up on you, due to the fact that you know exactly what your gettin' yourself into the minute you prime the motor and untie the dock ropes.

You won't get lost this time though. Your the great Ulysses, bound to overcome anything that spiteful ba$tard Poseidon throws at you. It always begins with that familiar, fully tangible, tingle in the pit of your stomach. That same one you got when you snuck out of the house in the ninth grade to throwback whatever concoction you and the the neighborhood boys could thieve, unnoticed, from your parent's cabinet. Man, you used to be able to ride that feeling out for ages it seemed. Even relive it for a second or two when you glanced at the grass stained pants you wore that night. Funny thing happens to that feeling the more you chase it. It becomes elusive, like the motorized rabbit at the grey hound track your dad used to take you to. It really don't matter how fast you run. Couple of laps and it's gone, good luck gettin' it back. And just when you line up for another go 'round, in rolls that mist. Surprised? Nah. You knew it was comin', but it ain't that bad this time. Everything's gettin' done. Bill's paid? Check. Son's homework done? Check. Wood split? Check. Hell, you even got a couple of workouts in. Might as well stay on the lake for awhile longer, you seem functional to me. Just as that thought crosses your mind things start to get hazy.

Am I positively reinforcing my negativity?

Has my functionality become dysfunctional?

Ah hell, where the fu(k is that boat house!

[YesNo]

Son's homework done? Check.
Ulysses does his son's homework? I do like the question of whether one's "functionality" has become "dysfunctional".

[Pitchblack]

Yeah, growing up in a dysfunctional household heavily laden with drug, alcohol, and spousal abuse doesn't necessarily mean that that the family is living out of it's station wagon. I wanted to portray the fact that "business" could still get accomplished even with an underlying malignancy present. Thanks for the comment, I enjoy feedback and two way conversation regarding writing. Being a novice writer, I think listening to other's interpretation of your work is invaluable for gauging whether or not your point is being driven home.

[hillwalker]

I wasn't so sure about those two questions that seemed to appear from nowhere near the end. I was more looking forward to learning more about his quest - discovering where his boat might take him.

You did a great job of portraying that state of mind where a character says WTF - I always do my own thing regardless of whatever nature can throw at me.
I'm thinking you have a lot more to say on the matter.....

H

[Pitchblack]

@ Hillwalker: I think this is one of those stories that got lost in translation. There is no quest. No boat, nor lake for that matter. The whole "quest" was a metaphor for being a functional alcoholic. When "the fog rolls in" , or "when things get hazy" it just means that the narrator is drinking too much and not seeing clearly. He (the narrator) starts making excuses "bills paid", "sons homework done", etc.= his functionality being dysfunctional and positively reinforcing his negativity (his alcoholism). This is the best example why I love being a new addition to this forum, having not clearly driven my point home leaves the reader speculating and interpretating meanings that are not there. Thank you so much for taking the time to review my story, it truly helps me see things from the readers point of view,

[hillwalker]

I gathered as much from the title - and the boat metaphor works well, but you have let it run aground perhaps a little too soon. Losing sight of the boathouse suggests he's aiming back towards dry land but is that it? Is he still adrift in his alcoholic-induced lagoon? Or washed up on some rocky reef?

And for someone in a 'haze' I still wonder why you chose to have him ask those two questions towards the end. They don't really serve any purpose and seem a little obtrusive - as if it's the writer thinking aloud rather than the narrator.

H

[Pitchblack]

Ah, I see what you mean there. Things aren't getting hazy by asking those questions. There getting clearer! Haha! Leave it up to you to know what I'm saying better than myself! Thanks for the insight!

[hillwalker]

The questions are unnecessary - the story itself should invite the reader to ask certain questions about the character.

Having the writer voice them the way you have here seemed like you'd stepped completely outside the story and asked us "So, what do you think?" It just didn't make much sense to me.

H