Moment of calm

[Wendy M]

Perfection is early summer breeze
Like a flower
Turn your head to sun
Scents fill the air
Of fragrance sweet
Gently sway the willow tree
A peaceful, serene melody

[tailor STATELY]

Perfection is early summer breeze
Like a flower
Turn your head to sun
Scents fill the air
Of fragrance sweet
Gently sway the willow tree
A peaceful, serene melody

Love your poem.

If I may make a few suggestions:

Perfection is an early summer breeze
Like a flower
Turn your head to the sun
Scents fill the air
With a fragrance sweet
Gently sways the willow tree (or: Gently sway the willow trees )
A peaceful, serene melody

Thank you for sharing.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[blank|verse]

A pleasant poem, Wendy, but I agree with tailor's suggested amendments.

I've noticed this habit among amateur poets (if you'll excuse the phrase) of excluding in/definite articles (a, an, the) before words which would otherwise take them, and I'm not sure why this is, or if I like it. That aside, the poem has a quite haiku-like feel to it, and maybe you could condense it even further to fit the exacting syllable count of that form?

Are you a fan of that other famous Wendy of British poetry, Wendy Cope (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoet.do?poetId=5677)?

[Wendy M]

Tailor Stately! what a star....funny your suggestion, because in all honesty that is exactly how i wrote it in the first place, and then changed it to what i posted, why i done that I am not sure, but wow.....thank's for you posting, yes I totally agree with you, :)

[Wendy M]

Hello again Blank verse, I think what you say amateur poets excluding the (a,an,the) is qutie correct, I feel they are tryng to hard! but As I said, I did write those parts in and took them out, after reading it to myself, a wrong move it seems! glad you both pointed it out, I should always now go with my first thoughts...

Yes it was a taster to enhance further, not really finished, just a start at the time of writing and could not think of anything else...I put it out there to see what people thought or what else could be done, and of course criticism, it is in the whole process of learning for me, so thank you so much for you kind and constructive feedback, so much appreciated...

No I don't know 'Wendy Cope!'...but I will look her up, thank you :)

[Jerrybaldy]

Do you know Wendy Bull who let me unzip her, in a caravan in Hastings in '78?

[IceM]

I agree with Tailor's amendments, only because it adds greater specification.

Blank, I find myself omitting those phrases when they interfere with the meter I'm trying to accomplish. If I'm going for dactylic, I'll take out those words because including them throws off the meter. Iambic, I might have to force them in.

It's a nice, idyllic poem though. A cheerful ode to Summer, essentially.

[Cunninglinguist]

Do you know Wendy Bull who let me unzip her, in a caravan in Hastings in '78?

Who doesn't? :D


A cheerful ode to Summer, essentially.

Really? I thought it was a conceit about peanutbutter!

[MorpheusSandman]

Honestly, I like the removal of the articles here. I think the reason you removed it in the first line is that you intuitively didn't like the 3-unstressed syllables it would create: PerFECtion is (an) EARLy SUMmer BREEZE. There's two arguments to be made there though; one is that if you read it in perfect iambs, "is" would be stressed and remove the problem of including the unstressed "an", the other argument is that common speech would mostly likely run "tion is an" together unstressed, which creates a very different feel next to the falling "early summer"' rhythm. I'm more inclined to agree with the second argument, because common speech usually predominates UNLESS meter is established first, and considering it's the first line I don't think most would stress "is" there. The same is true for the sun line, although more definite there: "TURN your HEAD to (the) SUN". The "the" would insert an extra unstressed beat. This isn't really an issue of good or bad, but whether you prefer maintaining the meter or varying the rhythm; it depends on what effect you think each option has on what you're saying.

Overall, I really love the peacefulness of this piece. It is very much like the haiku, but it's also nicely varied, with 3 different natural agents, 1 speech-act change, and the main clause add-ons balancing each other. It's quite elegant.

[Wendy M]

"Do you know Wendy Bull who let me unzip her, in a caravan in Hastings in '78?"

Jerryblady..of course dear fellow...she was my friend back in 78.....Ooops but I am afraid we were only 12 years old then!

[Wendy M]

cunninglinguist ....I hate peanutbutter!!!

[Wendy M]

Thank you to all of you guys who wrote very fine and constructive comments on my small verse here, it is all in the learning curve to feel the criticism that is most helpful and ideas each of you have, and feeling of my words here....

And Morpheus, your criticism is to perfection, exactly what one needs to gain any ability to become a fine poet in time...so thank you all, it is much appreciated indeed :)

[blank|verse]

No I don't know 'Wendy Cope!'...but I will look her up, thank you :)
Thanks Wendy. If by this comment you were wondering why Wendy Cope appears in a different colour and underlined, it's because I included a web-link to her page on the Poetry Archive to help start your 'looking up'. She's very popular and easy to read, but tends to divide opinions because of this!

Try this poem, Flowers (http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/singlePoem.do?poemId=5679), which is one of her most popular and much anthologised.

[Wendy M]

Your welcome....Yes I did wonder actually! Okay, I shall view her poetry, thank you for the link, Poetry has always got divisions, especially free verse! anyway...I will nosey now and much obliged blank/verse :)