Addiction

[Pitchblack]

Stepping into the brilliant sunlight after being confined to the cave like excuse for a hotel room is as close to experiencing rebirth as I can comprehend. I've been experiencing these rebirths for most of my young adult life. I purposely leave my dark black Ray Bans in the night stand next to Gideon's crutch. Is it a self imposed punishment that I inflict for being in this place again? Maybe. I do know once the door latches behind me, I can never come back again. This is the last time I'll willingly rip myself from the safe, dark womb of the ***** mother I've created. I've no power left after this. Has it begun already or is it anxiety that make my hands shake so? Flashes of Ali post Parkinson's except I was never to be champ. I'm stuck in limbo, cornered by a three headed dragon, who I think I want to be, who I actually want to be and who I really am. Outward everything seemingly perfect. Inward, doubt, self consciousness and anger. The perfect storm, making me imperfect. Violent undulations fueled by fire. Someone please give me a glass of water to make it stop. No matter how much I plead, I know there's nothing you can give me to quench this thirst. I've tried just about everything already and it remains just as powerful. Sure I've beaten it down before, but like a burglar in the night creeping from shadow to shadow it finds an open window sooner or later. Slinking from room to room it pilfers my most coveted assets and leaves malignancy in their place. What's left after all positivity has been replaced by negative? A dark room off the strip, nice and quiet. Anonymity. Just me and my burglar, two old friends reliving glory days that never were. I hate him while he's here, but when he's gone I can't wait for him to come back. He makes me chase him, hunt him like he's a defenseless animal, but that's just an illusion. Ironically I'm the defenseless animal, cowering before the boogey-man that crept out from under my bed.

There's the door, all I have to do is leave him to his own devices. Without looking back I grasp the cold metal handle, twist it clockwise and pull. Suddenly I'm bathed in such brilliance as I've never known. It warms not only my body but my whole being. Floating in the golden light like warm honey the door latches behind me.

Rebirth.